Showing posts with label counselling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counselling. Show all posts

Empathy is a Superskill that take time to Recharge

 On the surface, sympathy seems helpful. The problem with sympathy is that while it acknowledges the hard times someone is facing, it doesn't offer them any support whether be a listening ear or something practical. 

If sympathy is looking into the pit of depression or grief and saying "Sorry", then empathy is climbing in and saying "I'm here for you. We'll get out together".

"I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the steelworker who's been laid off, the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town. When you think like this, when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathise with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers; it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help."
- Barrack Obama - 2006

The problem with sharing someone's pain is that it will drain you. To give you an example, if someone is constantly demanding empathy from you yet dismisses your thoughts and feelings then you don't have the foundation of an equal or healthy friendship or relationship. It is possible to burn out from empathy especially if your job or role involves listening to and support people- whether you are an aid worker, a Doctor, a teacher or a therapist.  

Interestingly, Scientists have documented empathy in toddlers who showed concern for a parent - yet showing concern for another's wellbeing is often something that has to be taught or reinforced for some older children (and adults!). Empathy is something we can call do but it takes thought and effort to create a real rapport and put yourself into their metaphorical shoes.

I'll share with you a problem and see if you can use empathy while reading it. Think about what you would if we were sat next to each other. What could you say to share the problem rather than just observe it and sympathize with it?

There is a person I want to be part of my life yet the care and concern for this person and their antics can be draining to the point of frustration. Their silence in the communication can make people feel unwanted or perhaps just that they lack the care and energy to bother with anyone but themselves. Maybe they are selfish. An event happened recently, with plenty of warning, that was very important - or maybe I just felt it was important. While others made the effort, this person was no show. This person has missed or avoided or not bothered with several other events in the recent past without a message or post-event apology. A relationship should be two-way but if they don't care or can't be bothered; maybe I can't be bothered anymore either.

If you read that and your internal voice was saying "Oh I'm sorry, there's plenty more fish in the sea"; then you were sympathizing. While your thoughts on other fish/friends are true, it doesn't share the pain and make that connection. If your reply was "I can feel how angry and how sad it feels. I'm here." then you were empathizing. 

It's not easy. Much as it isn't easy to give up and cut loose someone who doesn't give equally to a friendship. Perhaps this part is even harder: you have to make a concerted effort to look after yourself so you can recharge your empathetic battery. If you are worn down and clobbered, then you won't have the emotional gusto to support yourself or give to those friendships and relationships around you.

If you'd like to read more on empathy, have a look at this fab article: https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/EmpathyatWork.htm

 

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Scented Candles and #SelfCare

Human nature seems to like maintaining the status quo however when that is the routine deaths of 100,000 people each year linked to issues with mental health care, I can’t help feeling something can and should change.

Whilst the male suicide rate was at its lowest in 2017 (since 1981 when the Office for National Statistics started) it is still the biggest killer of men from their teens to the time they should get their bus pass. In 2017, 5,821 people ended their own lives. 4,382 (75.3%) of those were male.


There are many ways to tackle this and different organisations are taking different multi-pronged approaches. In fact this week sees the Mind Media Awards which does a fantastic job of promoting sensible and careful conversation of mental health in the press or on films and TV. It also rewards those programmes, journalists and producers who undertake this difficult conversation and encourage people to talk and seek help. I was very proud to be on the shortlisting panel for the awards for a third year running and as ever found it a rewarding, enlightening and humbling experience. You can watch the event live via the Mind website.


One of the prongs to tackle this killer is the idea of self-care. In the ever hectic world where stress is the biggest cause of absence at work, helping people make healthier decisions can not just save the NHS millions or decrease your waist size but actually steer people away from the edge. The image of having a relaxing bath, or sitting still for 5 minutes of calm with candle or wax melt can at first feel quite… ladylike. But why should there be anything wrong with looking after your mind if it’s OK to look after your body? 


I asked on twitter: When was the last time you did nothing? Just focused on a raindrop, sat still, silently noticing the world around and what your senses' sense?

Every vote was either 'Rarely' or 'Never'.


One of the ways I practise self-care is to sit still and practise some simplified mindfulness with a wax melt or a candle to focus on. How does it smell? Can you see the flicker of the flame or the wisps of fragrance raise from the pool? Taking 5 minutes to notice these things allows your body and mind to reset from the chaos that is your pinging emails, buzzing text messages and banging of children or telephones. 


Below is a video review for Pick N Melt who reached out to me and given the nature of my blog and social media wanted my view on their products. The Mrs-to-be and I adore a Yankee Candle so went in with high hopes. It would be nice to spend some money on craft-made UK candles and wax melts? 


I have been blown away by the beautiful scents available and how well the fragrance remains. I've used big brand wax melts before and ended up with 'scent-less' wax lining my bin after a few hours but the 'Seville Orange' has been going for almost 35 hours now and it still smells like we've zested our own fruits right there. It's not overpowering but it is strong and lasts really well. I'm really impressed with the value of money their monthly subscription pack provides - a perfect gift for Christmas or for you to share with your friends and promote a bit of #selfcare.  #BeTheMateYoudWant.

Thanks for reading! Please share, subscribe and comment. Why not have a look at some past popular posts I've linked below!?



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Regular Blogging is hard....

I'm still available for Media things :) 
Click Image to view on SkyNews
Regular blogging is hard. Especially when you work two jobs (or thanks to some crossover it has been three!).

For those of you new to my story, I had an incredibly difficult time with a past employer which led to attempt to end my own life in 2015 and employment tribunal action for discrimination. It's taken a long time to get comfortable with my mind but also feel healthy enough to take risks.

To take big risks like going into a new full-time office job. A job with similarities to the one that nearly killed me.

I've been in my new job for just over two weeks so I'm able to look back without too much impact. It would be an understatement, however, to say it was easy. The days leading up to my new job were a holiday - even with the stresses of Summer Holiday Eurotunnel or a wheel nut disappearing on the French toll routes. The night before the new job, however, was a concern. Outside I tried to wear my old mask of 'Stiff Upper Lip' and 'Soldier on Through' but inside I actually felt scared.

A lot of my concerns are pretty normal. What will the people be like? What are the expectations? Where is it? Will they be understanding? Will they make judgments?
In the hours leading up to my start, all my mind would focus on is: "why am I taking the risk?"

I was happy where I was. OK, I need more money for the wedding but... I loved working in a school. I love the caring, funny yet devastating way children can be.

I have had one blip. It was two weeks in. Perhaps a shadow from my mental health diagnosis? 15 minutes from the end of the day, I'm pretty close to being on top of everything. Bam. A tonne of work hits my desk. This load behaves like an ignored parking fine: its grown from being a small fluffy annoyance into a cave-dwelling angry twit and has sharp pointy teeth. It could have been avoided. It almost ruined my night. The next day I crack on into the workload and realise that unlike the 'toxic waste dump' that I worked in during my lowest point (back in 2015), that the expectations of me and those around me were pretty reasonable. I wasn't forced by evil glare to stay late and try to solve every woe. Actually, with a good supporting team around you - even a bad day can be OK. In fact, the worst day so far was pretty good when I compare it to that company that nearly killed me.
Read more on my front page - www.MattStreuli.uk
I am very fortunate that my colleagues and superiors are nice, approachable and reasonable. I guess I should have expected that as I am now working for the NHS but as we've discussed before on this blog sometimes the biggest stigma we face is the threat and fears that our mind creates.

After all, everyone is human, mostly. 


NEXT TIME: More Wedding Tips & Visiting Caen







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Why can't you Counsel yourself?


If I was counselling someone else I would of said it, so why didn't I say it?
Emotions can seriously hinder OR enhance your capacity, success and logic. I've derived this all from "you shouldn't apologise for how you feel".

You are never wrong for feeling how you do. You might feel it and then find out the cause (what you heard, or meant) was in error. You might even learn they didn't mean to say or imply what she did. Even so, it was hard for my logical mind to change my emotional heart; I feel anger, hurt untrusted and oddly guilty.


I often wonder, after observing others, am I the only one who feels such guilt? Have you felt that?
If everyone else felt such guilt about upsetting people, even when they have right to feel hurt themselves, then wars and the pettiest of arguments wouldn't never come be.

When it comes to a dispute, I still feel anger and hurt and enormous guilt so I'd much rather crawl back and grovel. Even after all this time its somehow easier sacrificing how I feel and its cause so I can end the pain and make everyone else ok. But then, I could argue that that maybe if I'm the only one feeling great guilt over it, then it is unlikely they feel the same great pain I do. Surely if they felt the same pain they would feel the same guilt over upsetting someone? - Cause and effect?


Just by reading that last paragraph you can see why we shouldn't counsel ourselves.


Right now there is someone I think a great deal of having this internal monologue. I've had it many times. Yes, taking all the blame even if it isn't your fault, is the easy option. But that option will eat away at you and slow burn you from the inside out. It will pollute how you see, feel and interact in the world. The right option is honesty. The right option is standing your ground, holding your morals and defending yourself. You are loved and deserve the real love of a good person - not the murky waters you're settling for.

For those of you who like to put everything in writing, so you can plan and think your feelings, then I recommend contacting the email team of the Samaritans.




____________________________________________________________________
Oh my blessed relief, I crave you.
A tiny flinch and that combustion is released: a pool forms
and with a wipe, I'm briefly fine.

#poem


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#Stress can mean Death or Success - #MHW2016 #MensHealthWeek

Sometimes I feel an enormous sense of a frustration. It can feel like I'm screaming. I'm not the only one but it can feel few and far between and ineffective to say the least. There was a time when the screams were for cancer. The horrible pain, high death rate and inexplicable stigma; yet everyone knew someone close who was suffering or suffered. Over time, charities along with institutions like the NHS and the HSE (Health and Safety Executive) have rallied the screams and presented a united front line.

So where is that rally call for mental health? Slowly the stigma is being tackled yet in 2016, suicide remains the biggest killer of men aged under 45 and teenage men. Meanwhile, more teenagers are self harming than ever before. Gradually support in schools is improving but still falls far short of basic levels found as standard in the US. If you have been reading my story then you will understand that I found myself trapped in a job as my mental health deteriorated until, 12 months ago, I tried to kill myself. I had been choosing my job over my own health and as we've discussed before, with a unsupportive employer this nearly killed me.

Stress is a key theme this Men's Health Week and sometimes stress can be good. It is perfectly reasonable to feel some stress as you are heading towards a deadline. A prime example for me is the work I've been doing with the Iver Heath Drama Club. For the past 5 months, I've been in charge of the Youth efforts. I've been coordinating with Scenery designers, painters and builders. I've liaised with the director of the Adult team's production. I've enlisted the help of our costume team, make up and tried to help run the box office. I've lead the way on the club's social media. I've done all of this with the help and support of some amazing friends and comrades. I've done all of this on top of actually planning, producing and directing a show with 15 people in it who are mostly aged 7 to 15 and a mixture of abilities and disabilities. I've felt stressed. I've seen some bad rehearsals. Yet when the curtain closed on our first performance to a big applause, I felt a huge wave of achievement. Stress was there to keep pushing me on, ensure I appreciated the task and its burdens and strive for the best I could do. To those fantastic youngsters on the stage and to those behind you, you did me and your club proud.
Life is full of stress but there are many different kinds. For example, did you know an average officer worker is more stressed on a busy commute than a stunt pilot? There are different kinds of stress and while no one can deny a stunt pilot is under pressure, he experiences the stress as a positive adrenalin rush. Where as Mr MiddleManagment's heart is exploding as the traffic again slows to a crawl on the M25. - My Blog on my Pessimism from early June 2016
However, too much stress can also cripple you. You might just be pushing on but physical pain can appear in your back as a sign of your hidden stressful burden. In fact, in 2013 the HSE recorded 9.9 million sick days due to mental health. The biggest culprit of those days was stress.

Sometimes stress can be really short term - building up to a project or a meeting. Sometimes it can go on forever and getting worse along the way - my experience as discussed on this blog is that staff were not replaced and workload steadily increasing and becoming more complicated without adequate support despite asking and getting a Doctor's support for it.

My girlfriend, Blue_Smudge, and I:Click here for our latest unboxing video!
My mental health disability can be a cycle. This means that when I am OK or feeling good, I pressure myself to get as much done as I can and to a high standard. This combines with other stresses in my life, other triggers, and therefore causes my condition to worse. In essence, sometimes we can generate our own stress and particulary so with the stress and stigma of mental health. Sometime I worry what people will perceive, think and feel of me that I struggle to do anything but feel anxiety (stress) over it.

One in four of you will develop a mental health problem. That is odds of 3 to 1. According to the Men's Health Forum it is the same as France or Germany winning the Euro 2016 .
"There are many things we can do to beat stress: exercise, sing, dance, laugh, play or listen to music, paint, write, volunteer, learn something new and lots more. Tell us what you do. Let's talk.
Our message to men: talk about how you beat stress, talk about what causes it. Talk to your mates, talk to your family" - Men's Health Forum
Earlier in the year I visited AWE Burghfield (link here) with Time To Change. This is one of many employers who realise that it is far cheaper, healthier and profitable to prevent serious or long term sickness caused by mental health and stress but early intervention and basic plans of support. We should champion and support these forward thinking supportive employers because far to many of us are being damaged (in terms of mental health) and left on a scrapheap. Left as a burden to the NHS and, if we are 'sick enough' to qualify for some benefits like PIP. 
Search #HelpGBWorkWell on Twitter

 Sometimes I stress about things outside of my control. Sometimes that stress is closer to anxiety. Will I ever be normal? Will I ever go back to having a relatively successful office career with a decent wage? The anxiety and stress of no benefits, little income and my mental health issues slowly bounce from one question to the next with my pessimism saying "Don't Risk It!"  In short, bad stress pins you down and exacerbates any doubts or depression you may have.

I worked in customer service and logistics. We used to say "Manage Expectations". Perhaps its time we all managed our expectations of ourselves and learnt to not only share and support our friends and colleagues who need it but also call out those building the problem stress in the first place.

The first thing you can do is take time to talk about your mental health, especially stress, and find good supportive managers, friends and family. To be that supportive friend too. By reading and sharing blogs and stories like mine, you are fighting the stigma on stress,

My anxiety says I shouldn't risk going into any work but I know most managers and employers want the best from and for you. Do not be afraid to seek professional help, speak to a manager and a GP, if you feel that you are no longer able to manage things on your own. Many people feel reluctant to seek help as they feel that it is an admission of failure. It is part of the reason why it took me so long to even get on the waiting list for NHS help - I kept trying to 'man up'.

It is important to get help as soon as possible so you can begin to get better and stay in work; not end up damaged and unable to work like me. With Suicide being the biggest killer of men, isn't now the time to issue that rally call and unite the fight?

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog. All comments and tweets are welcome xx 

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
 Click here for my HUFFINGTON POST article: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/matt-streuli/my-amygdala-brought-my-al_b_10435194.html







I'm Matt. I'm 26 and I write a mental health blog and articles for the Huffington Post. I'm also the Chairman and dame of the Iver Heath Drama Club in South Bucks. I host The Matt Streuli Show on Southwaves Radio and live near West London. 
Videos: YouTube.com/MattStreuli
Twitter : @mattstreuli
Tumblr : mattstreuli.tumblr.com/
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Amygdala - Your Brain's Red Alert Sensor (plus a British Beach Holiday)

Only two weeks ago, I discussed how I saw my alcoholic Mum, despite the fact she died some thirteen years ago.

That post is still steadily growing in views. I thought it would be a good place to start this week by analysing that flashback which I did with my psychologist.
My Skoda/VW/Garmin Sat Nav crashed like my mind did!


The amygdala is a small nut shaped blob at the bottom of your brain. It is essentially the caveman part of your brain. On a side note... should that be caveperson not the gender-specific caveman?

Anyway, this blob is found throughout the animal kingdom in creatures that have the almost instinctive fight or flight reactions. The amygdala is your inner caveman sensing predators and making your legs run away before 'you' know it! Analogy time... Imagine it is the computer you bought in 1999 - it even had a floppy disk drive! The issue with our modern mind and our 21st century life and stressors is that we are trying to run Windows 10 on that 17 year old computer or even running a 'state of the art' Sat Nav and Car Interface on Windows XP! The two struggle to run together.
Post continues below tweet/video:     

You spot something out of the corner of your eye. Your amygdala fires chemicals into your body putting you at alert status. The bigger the threat, the more chemicals it fires and the higher you go into Red Alert. Your rational mind turns your head and focuses on the item, comparing it to your in build wikipedia of experience and knowledge before logically deciding a response.

However, if your amygdala is already at Red Alert, your rational mind doesn't get a chance to anaylse the situation. You are hit by such a wave of stress, adrenalin and anxiety, you run. This would of been a handy instinctive-response if prehistoric you bumped into a sabre-toothed tiger. Every millisecond waiting for the rational mind to anaylse and process is a millisecond you need to run away from that deadly creature. My issue, and an issue alot of us face, is that our amygdala is putting us into the 'Red Alert' or 'Run Away' setting for situations that do not need it - such as the situation I encountered with my girlfriend in that aforementioned post (linked here for you to catch up on :) ). Rather than analytically seeing my drunk friend, my amygdala saw a threat which triggered the memory of dead alcoholic Mother. This quick recall function would be dead handy if you saw a big beast and your brain needed to quickly decide whether it is time to run from Mr Tiger or fight Mr Toad but when it is reloading and rebooting the anger and fear of my Mother and the awful situations I faced with her; it is less than helpful to say the least.
Selfcare at the beach
with @blue_smudge

I'm paraphrasing quite a bit here so I am sure some of you will argue with the details but in essence I suffered a PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) type flashback. At some point, some detail of the event, or similar enough, happened with my Mother which is why my amygdala felt it relevant to re-experience the situation or parts thereof. It was a horrible experience, something which in 'the cold light of day' doesn't stand up to my logical mind's scrutiny but then emotions and the drivers of them, such as anxiety, rarely do.

In treating PTSD, Psychologists look to identify and gradually expose the patient to the stimuli involved in an attempt to reprogramme the amygdala not to have such a high alert response OR at least to try and process and analyse the scenario through therapy. It is interesting that I have only ever seen two people 'turn' into my mother. One as a teenager, which lead me to panic and get help and this occasion just two weeks ago. Trying to analyse the 'stimuli' or circumstances of each times doesn't quite work as the only matching criteria is a very drunk female yet I have been around very drunk Ladies before from family to best friends to customers and not suffered a response anywhere near that level.

That pink blob bought my Mum
and all my fears and anger back to life.
Am I doing the right thing trying to process and correct what seems to be 'programming' errors in my system, seemingly my amygdala, or is it better to admit I will never function quite right and just try to live with life?

Psychology and Philosophy! Lucky you!

Anyway, I am going to wrap up here except to mention the fantastic holiday I just returned from with my amazing girlfriend. We were even recognised in a local pub this week! #localcelebs! :P As discussed in last week's post, please do come say Hi - never be shy!

The drama club Summer Show opens in just a week and ticket sales still need a boost. I'm out of ideas but I know I have given my show my best, as director, and the second play is also really good. It is just down to the casts to sell it better. Our webmaster Rob has just relaunched the club's website, www.ihdc.co.uk, which looks amazing so please have a browse and tweet either of us if you spot a hole.
@ Wookey Hole Caves, Somerset
 See more below on my Social Media

As the norm, below is some social media highlights. I'd love to hear your feedback on on my blog but also the video - is a buddy box worth it? Does it make friends or family feel they are helping or understanding or does it help you share the burden of your mental health?

As always - Every view, share, advert click, Facebook like, twitter or tumblr follow and Instagram heart not only supports me and my work, but helps fight stigma. Everyone has mental health but you can make a real difference in how we win the fight on looking after our minds.
Thank you once again for your support and reading my blog.












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A Chance to Change the World - yet I still think about Suicide... Typical.

Yes! That's me!
Picture with thanks to Twitter/Laurenmclcreate
My mind felt on edge. I'd taken my meds and planned my route, even looking at it on Google StreetView. As I walked past 221b Baker Street (which doesn't technically exist) my mind still wanted to run away. "I could just step into the road" is a thought my brain kept popping up over my shoulder as buses past me.  This is the first day of the UK's inaugural Youth Health Parliament. A keen initiative to bring together people from across the Healthcare Sector into looking at the big problems we are facing today and what policies we can find and campaign on; hopefully bringing change and saving lives.

Soon enough I was at the London Business School on the edge of Regent's Park in Central London. After a cup of tea and relying on my acting skills, I buried my anxieties and actually said "Hello". I guess you could call it networking. Talking to an assistant in a shop can make me feel flustered so I'm quite proud of myself. Everyone I met was kind, friendly and passionate - oh and equally cynical as me!

There were some incredible speeches come lectures from people in PR, through to former Government advisors and a panel of experts on the current frontiers of the NHS. By lunchtime we had found two major problems. Firstly, our population is aging. Soon we will have more 'pensioners' than ever before. It is not just a question of how to treat them all in crisis or in a preventative way but also gaining, training and maintaining an already overwhelmed workforce with limited budgets. The second issue is mental health. For reasons I covered last week and throughout my blog, we are living in a time of crisis.
Find more on my Facebook page: Click here!

In the afternoon we had split into sub-committees and it would seem that I am the only 'service user' in the team. Everyone else works in the healthcare sector, either in Pharmaceutical or the NHS. I am proud to have been 'elected' as the Communications Officer for the Mental Health Committee and we are looking at policies to not only fight the stigma surrounding mental health, something I've discussed on this blog before, but also offer earlier intervention. Despite suicide being a bigger killer than cancer there is too little effort into 'early intervention' or detection. As I mentioned last week: it's all too easy for those in power to let patients kill themselves while waiting for treatment.  
 Please do follow our Youth Health Parliament Mental Health Committee Twitter!

Fun with friends at
Alice's Treehouse
 I know I shouldn't be a pessimist, but I am. My mind is conditioned that sometimes life isn't even worth the challenge of trying to achieve something but hearing the views and energy of the speakers and my fellow members of Parliament, I really think we could bang on the doors of power with a reasonable, practical yet life saving change to mental health across the UK. In the comments below, I'd be interested to hear if you have come across any 'early help' aside from having to be referred by a GP and waiting up to two years for help or the crisis support. To those of you outside the sphere of mental health; Yes, it really is this bad. Imagine breaking your arm and being told the waiting list for plaster casts is two years.

Speaking to my fellow committee members reminds to once again thank my friends and family for their support and love. I sometimes take it for granted how horrible it must be to read this blog or how difficult it must be to try and understand or imagine my mind. If nothing else, I hope this blog and my work on social media help you understand what's in my head - not that I do!

Finally my Psychologist has agreed to join the campaign to try and appeal the decision not to give me PIP, which is the current disability benefit. Along with my friends and family, we are all writing to the 'Department of Work and Pensions'. Last week I ranted about how I have worked and contributed to the system yet found myself abandoned when I've asked for aid. In my meeting with my Dr he asked about my suicidal thoughts.

Life is such a battle and I'm really jealous. You all seem to be winning. With a smile too. - Life is a battle : My blog from August 2015

When we compare who I am today, to where I was around the time of my suicide attempt last June, I am very much on the road to recovery. Yet, I still have episodes where I want to die. They don't have quite the impact they used to but I've grown so accustomed I don't even think to mention them. It made me look back through my blog at how suicidal I have felt and why I keep planning for my own death.  To quote that post: "Suicide is the only way I can take control. It is the only way I can decide how tall that cliff face is."   For the most part, it is still true but not as intense a drive - more controllable.

Apologies to everyone who prefers my rants, a little bit diary-esq this week!,  but I implore you to put your email address in the box on the top left to receive a little alert letting you know I've posted. Also, please do follow my Facebook page where I try to offer advice and a different insight which I've embedded below the usual twitter and instagram antics below. Every view, like, share and ad click makes a big difference - so thank you.

PLEASE so scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on


How do you support friends and family through mental illness? What messages have you received that helped? Share, Like and make Mental Health Aware
Posted by MattStreuli.uk - Mental Health Aware on Monday, 4 April 2016
http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/142096307900/i-watched-criminal-minds-tonight-it-wasnt-the

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Happily Suicidal

Find me on twitter @MattStreuli
I should be happy. Yet all I can think about it how I empty my future is and my lack of enthusiasm for it.

I met with my psychologist on Friday who I mentioned in my article for The Guardian. He was really happy with the article especially as we live in world all too quick to complain and too slow to compliment. I explained that the 'conflict' (my disability discrimination complaint) is still ongoing and the system seemingly biased towards the employer.

Financially, I am OK for now but what happens when this debacle rolls on for another few weeks or months? I've applied for jobs but I agree with my Psychologist who I felt was being very honest when he said it would be a shame if I could not making writing, talking and presenting especially on mental health into a career.

The problem is, how the hell do I get there?
I have been writing a mental health blog for almost a year after suffering disability discrimination at work and then surviving a suicide attempt. I am looking to do more work with the media and I would also be interested in events such as ‘After Dinner Speaking’. As mentioned in my article in The Guardian, I have been a pantomime dame for almost 5 years so performing a script or ‘ad libbing’ in front of an audience is almost second nature. 
Life has drained the enthusiasm from me - so why would I keep fighting? Where would I draw the strength to do more?
Click pictures to view fullscreen

My mind keeps throwing up this idea that it's time to resign from life. I've done enough. For more opportunities you have to be in the right place at the right time or know the right person; so do I just keep shouting out the window and annoying retweeting this blog?

If I had cancer, I would have the right to refuse treatment. To slowly let the disease I've been fighting kill me. So when can I turn off my life machine? When can I shut down my life?


12 months ago on this blog I spoke about Post Panto Blues and this quote is still relevant and makes me realise I suffer more than the 'Post Show' blues: "I would kill myself in exactly the same way we euthanase pets when it’s the ‘kind’ thing to do. Why am I any different to your cat?"

In last week's post I spoke about how our pantomime had been a brilliant success with each cog working together so well.

There were some silly little issues that in pantomime past would of been key triggers to a black patch however they seemed to have minimal effect; I assume thanks to therapy and medication. I am so proud of the club and every member. Some of those people are amazingly talented and beautiful - not just in looks but also how they treat others. At the moment I am due to produce and direct the summer play for the youth team but how I can lead them feeling the way I do.



I've been ignoring messages from people because I couldn't face processing what they might of said - to the point where I've ignored invites to events. The only person I've spoken to in the past 24 hours is my cat - and if it wasn't for having to get medication and bread I could easily go several days in isolation.

Have you ever stared off into the distance? Found yourself having a dream but you're awake? They have happened to me a few times since my last post. In one I was driving a Transit van with a lift on the roof. I parked opposite the entrance to my old work and lowered myself on a noose from the cradle. In another I sat in the middle of road and reenacted the famous immolation photograph from the Second World War. Either way I get to end my life and it would mean something. You only ever hear suicides on the news as a footnote for delays on your local rail line or motorway. Did you know Grant Shapps, a Tory MP resigned after a member of the youth team committed suicide over bullying?
I'm not sad or low. If anything, I feel content. I've had a good crack at it and would leave a good impression on this Earth. - Read more from last week's post here
I know you really don't want me to be sad or for me to die. You may say to me how much hurt it would cause and how much fun we've had. It's better to rip the plaster off. I keep thinking about going to 'A and E' and asking to be admitted but I've heard the horror stories. I think I'd rather die at home.

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/138825575112/thank-you-clairelouisef1989-champagne-from-the
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I Cannot Do 2015 Again

It's over.  2015 c'est fini. Last week I talked about reflecting upon how lucky we are compared to others and how I was trying to be positive. This week, with a funeral to attend, I am in no mood to candy coat it; in essence 2015 nearly killed me, literally, and I cannot do it again.

Obviously I cannot do 2015 again without the use of a TARDIS, although I am sure everyone has things they would love to try and do differently. I literally mean, there is no way I could face a 2016 as bas as my 2015. In June this year, my mental health had become such an issue over the 6-8 months that I tried to kill myself. With my work situation and the stress playing a key part triggering my condition from an occasional thing to a legal disability. In 2015, I went from having a career and being excited and committed to being unfit to work and unable to make most telephone calls. I know it is the last blog of the year and I should reflect on all the good but, perhaps a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, all I can sense is how awful this year has been and therefore the next 12 months shall continue the trend. I've tried to remain positive; reading quotes about courage ad fighting the good fight.
Please read and share my blog.
Together we can defeat MH stigma

I've had a couple of high rating blogs over the past 12 months which do reflect some of the bigger issues and now is a good time to reread them and throw my 'tuppence' in. All of these received hundreds of reads, sometimes hundreds more than I normally get - so thank you for sharing and commenting, Click the title to open and read:
 
> Blowing Anxiety Away and Accepting Distress
Part of this post was worrying about the UK pondering about hopping in and out of the EU and how that would affect my duel nationality. The rest was looking at some arty farty cloud blowing. I still think it is arty farty but I enjoy mindfulness and thanks to my Godmother, I've even dabbled in Reiki; and that does work.
www.MattStreuli.uk

> What is the Point?
Re-reading this post I seem to be sending some bizarrely mixed signals. It seems I am thriving and better able to live with the pressure easing on me yet that nagging anxiety and suicidal thoughts still plague me. I sometimes feel like this now; overall it is OK and yet I can't help ponder if suicide is an easier option. There is a fantastic poem at the bottom of that post which should answer that thought.

> Mental Health is like Diabetes
I really like this blog. It reads quite well despite how I confused and panicked I remember feeling around that time. The overall point still stands and it is something I would like to emphasise and revisit: all of mental health is a spectrum. It is equally like Diabetes given that when under control, we can all live happy and fulfilling lives.
I love my friends and family.
They have kept me alive
A shoutout to my twitter/tumblr
friends too who have held my hand

> Closing the Door
It was around this time I went from being upset to feeling anger and also a sense of injustice. As I have argued throughout the past few months of my blog, mental health is legally equal to physical health. Reading this again reminds me of how hurt and betrayed I felt. The law appears to be on my side but time will tell.

> The Mental Health Fight - MOST BLOG VIEWS IN 2015
When I wrote this I literally wanted to give a brief overview of my story thus far and then review a fantastic project providing distractions to those like myself who can spiral into black patches. Writing honestly and openly not only fights the stigma surround mental health but also helps me understand, rationalise and process where I am and how I feel. This post was summary and included key themes such as my alcoholic mother, my interview on LBC Radio this year, discrimination and my suicide attempt. I am proud to be where I am. It has been so F##KING hard.

> I have a disability - MOST HUFF POST VIEWS
This was a gateway into a eye-opening article I wrote for the Huffington Post. I've received some amazing feedback through emails, my recently updated website and places like tumblr; yet I post and print screen of some amazing feedback on that post. It makes me feel I have achieved something and I'm not failing at life. Having a disability means I'm succeeding in survival. The linked HuffPost article is my personal favourite.
Follow my Story on social media
Links below 

I have come soo far and there were some good times in 2015 too. There is a video with a few fun moments at the very bottom.

Anyway...

Thank you once again for all your support - please follow me in all the right places on social media and share the link to this blog.

A big thank you to all my friends and
family for putting up with me. You are stars
So before I conclude with another shameless plug for the pantomime I starring in (4 weeks away!!) and I share some pictures and videos of 2015.

I'd love for you to comment here and share what your favourite post of 2015 has been.

Was it a blog post or perhaps something on my twitter, instagram or Tumblr? Comment and links are below.

THANK YOU


Here comes 2016... Best of Luck.

I'm Matt. I'm 26 and I write a mental health blog and articles for the Huffington Post. I'm also the Chairman and dame of the Iver Heath Drama Club in South Bucks. I host The Matt Streuli Show on Southwaves Radio and live near West London.
Videos: YouTube.com/MattStreuli
Twitter : @mattstreuli
IG: instagram.com/p/_hk9w9AiBS/
Tumblr : mattstreuli.tumblr.com/
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Hope you had a Safe and Merry Christmas
Need help? In the UK, call Samaritans free on 116 123. Alternatively, further information plus legal support lines are available from MIND, the mental health charity, at www.mind.org.uk 



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