Why can't you Counsel yourself?

If I was counselling someone else I would of said it, so why didn't I say it?
Emotions can seriously hinder OR enhance your capacity, success and logic. I've derived this all from "you shouldn't apologise for how you feel".

You are never wrong for feeling how you do. You might feel it and then find out the cause (what you heard, or meant) was in error. You might even learn they didn't mean to say or imply what she did. Even so, it was hard for my logical mind to change my emotional heart; I feel anger, hurt untrusted and oddly guilty.


I often wonder, after observing others, am I the only one who feels such guilt? Have you felt that?
If everyone else felt such guilt about upsetting people, even when they have right to feel hurt themselves, then wars and the pettiest of arguments wouldn't never come be.

When it comes to a dispute, I still feel anger and hurt and enormous guilt so I'd much rather crawl back and grovel. Even after all this time its somehow easier sacrificing how I feel and its cause so I can end the pain and make everyone else ok. But then, I could argue that that maybe if I'm the only one feeling great guilt over it, then it is unlikely they feel the same great pain I do. Surely if they felt the same pain they would feel the same guilt over upsetting someone? - Cause and effect?


Just by reading that last paragraph you can see why we shouldn't counsel ourselves.


Right now there is someone I think a great deal of having this internal monologue. I've had it many times. Yes, taking all the blame even if it isn't your fault, is the easy option. But that option will eat away at you and slow burn you from the inside out. It will pollute how you see, feel and interact in the world. The right option is honesty. The right option is standing your ground, holding your morals and defending yourself. You are loved and deserve the real love of a good person - not the murky waters you're settling for.

For those of you who like to put everything in writing, so you can plan and think your feelings, then I recommend contacting the email team of the Samaritans.

📷 bryantmcgill: Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. —... https://t.co/ZhifdCIHsm

— Matt Streuli (@mattstreuli) 30 July 2017

____________________________________________________________________
Oh my blessed relief, I crave you.
A tiny flinch and that combustion is released: a pool forms
and with a wipe, I'm briefly fine.

#poem

depression is not a weakness, it is a recognised #mentalhealth issue www.MattStreuli.uk #blogger #sorrynotsorry 😯 #timetochange #timetotalk 🤒 #imnotashamed #sicknotweak #InTheMind #endthestigma #BPD 🖖

A post shared by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Jul 13, 2017 at 11:47pm PDT

It's OK, It's a Disability

Last week I finally had some luck with legal aid and met an employment solicitor! I've written an article for the Huffington Post which explains more. In essence, it feels so good to feel that it is OK to have my mental health. Perhaps it is my illness, but I always feel like I'm the odd one and I'm the one who should always check what they say and think and feel.

 I've been made to feel at times that I'm not reacting appropriately to things and sometimes that is my own frustrations such as I can't make telephone calls anymore. Either way, meeting someone who knows the law and to hear that my efforts and feelings are justified made me feel so much more accepted and I'm not being a burden or overreacting!! It's like the world saying, we recognise you are trying and thats why its a disability.

Once you've  read my article (click here peoples!) I've included a tumblr post I posted last weekend as well as an inspiration quote at the bottom :P

Yes, it is me singing but even more important was the feedback.

Please read and share my article on HuffPost

Feedback is so important and I know some of you have been reading my blog for months or just since that uber popular one where I spoke about suicide and discrimination but it is all big steps towards making mental health normal. The only difference is that the further down the scale you go, the more you mental health 'disables' you from living a normal life. So thank you, for all your feedback and please do keep sharing and retweeting my blog.

Talk about normal life, did I mention I'm in pantomime in a few weeks? Tickets on sale. Thank you :P

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/134618583017/this-is-the-comments-within-an-hour-of-someone

Lounge fifteen presents Matthew E Streuli xxxx
Posted by Carol Campling on Saturday, 5 December 2015

Some informative writing from @mattstreuli over on the @HuffPostBlog... https://t.co/7JoN5xXNy1

— CALM (@theCALMzone) December 7, 2015

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/134786871111/heartswillrecover-httpchibirdcom-read-my

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA!! TWITTER, TUMBLR and INSTAGRAM!! 

New blog post now live www.MattStreuli.uk #mentalhealth #f1

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Nov 30, 2015 at 6:26pm PST

What is the point of it all?

 xx click for full screen xx

Last week I told you how excited I was to be finding positives in my current negative and anxious situation. This week I should be excited as again I'm on the Huffington Post, my radio show is getting good ratings but most of all it is my 26th birthday on Saturday or Hallowe'en. So please tell me why I feel unconvinced about it all?

Why do we all put so much effort in? Whatever problem you are facing or task you are battling, once it is over there will always be something else.I found a poem which I put at the very bottom of this week's post I'd like you to read.

That said, I do understand the completing a task or challenge can be fun and rewarding. I really enjoy making my radio show and writing here and on HuffPost. I find it quite therapeutic and gives me something positive to focus on. Pantomime is coming along well and actually ticket sales are quite good so I am proud about that. On the whole I guess I am looking forward to my birthday; a group of freinds and family gathering to eat sweets, punch local trick or treaters and set off some fireworks. I'm currently debating whether I need The Reckoning Barrage from Tesco.

In good news, I spoke with Vodafone who upgraded me early with no fee to the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+ and I love it. There are a few things I'm a bit iffy over but as the OS updates come through I am sure it will be great. The quality of the screen and the speed of the thing is very impressive. I also got my new washer dryer from AO.com. The product is fine but not overly impressed with their delivery staff - commenting on my flat being cluttered and so on. I have had a few downs this past week but I am trying to power through them. I dealt with the bombardment of my job so I can keep on top now.

This week's post is short as I would love it if you could go and read my latest article on HuffPost called You Give A Little Love and It All Comes Back To You after the song from Bugsy Malone.

 I used to consider myself as somewhere between the Conservatives and the Lib Dems on the UK spectrum but the more this Conservative Government does, the more I am convinced we as a country were safer when the Lib Dems were there in some role.  I'd like to finish on a poem (AT THE END/BOTTOM OF THE POST) which made me deeply think about my suicidal thoughts in the past few days.

Well Billy rapped all night about his suicide
How he kick it in the head when he was twenty-five
Speed jive don't want to stay alive
When you're twenty-five

- All The Young Dudes, Mott the Hoople - on this week's show on SouthWaves Radio!

Thanks again for reading and sharing xxx

Ooh Party Rings! With a cup of tea xx perfect #selfcare for #anxiety @ Iver Heath Village Hall https://t.co/6hQjfhyhEj

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) October 26, 2015

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/132006585424/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself-i-woke-up-i

#AskMatt - Is your mind really set on suicide later on your life or does it just happens to be your ask for help? Do you feel better now that you are on therapy?

Have you ever wanted to ask me a question or ask someone with a mental health condition a question? Well, #AskMatt is your chance. This week's question was a comment on the last edition of #AskMatt and it is a damn good question. On one hand, I feel very anxious about answering this but on the other hand, I know answering it is probably very good and therapeutic for me - and maybe for you too.

As always - please remember I am quite open about my mental health and so this blog and my other social media will contact trigger warnings.

 Is your mind really set on suicide later on your life or does it just happens to be your ask for help?

I understand that other people don't want to die. I get that. Why would you want life to ever end? But I honestly find the prospect of fighting to survive for another few months, yet alone another 25 years, a frightening one. Previously I have used the analogy of  climbing a waterfall. Some days the stream of water is gentile and cooling. Other days the stream is a torrent that pushes you back and drowns you. Just as you complete one week filled with the stresses of seeing two Doctors or having to confront and handle people, you think you reach the top of that waterfall - yet you look at your diary and see the cliff face grow in front of you. I'm 25 years old. When I think I'm at the top, I realise I'm not even half way.

Suicide is the only way I can take control. It is the only way I can decide how tall that cliff face is.

Perhaps suicide is my way of asking for help. I don't know what more help I deserve though. I am much happier now I have a 'plan of action'. I hate not knowing what to expect or even a guide to how things will go - it makes me nervous.

Either way, when I put that belt around my neck a few weeks ago I did not want to live. It is as simple as that. There was no premeditated thought that I would get attention or that I might get time off work - in actual fact I'd prefer to have neither of those things as they result in confrontation! If the very simple version of me that was running, an emergencyMatt.exe , had the simple problem solving skills required to secure a belt to a door with a screw then I would now be dead.

 Do you feel better now that you are on therapy?

Now I know that I am attending group therapy, which starts next week, I am much happier. I am also getting some great support at work and having seen the report from my Occupational Health Doctor a couple of weeks ago I am somewhat optimistic. I'm actually nervous about my next meeting with HR as I don't know how my management will feel about the NHS assessment and the OH report.

The more aware and educated you are about a problem, the better you can manage it. I am trying to be more forgiving with myself, without being lazy or self-centred, and manage myself better. This weekend I saw signs of another black patch coming, so I left. I avoided the situation and gave myself some time.


Thank you for your question. Please comment below or tweet me - I'd love to see your feedback and even a question for next week.

Don't apologize for your #mentalhealth diagnosis.You wouldn't apologize for having diabetes or cancer. #StigmaFighter pic.twitter.com/TluB3VdiuY

— MentalHealthPlatform (@MEHEP4U) July 5, 2015

Awesome day with awesome friends :) #summer #2015 #fete pic.twitter.com/XRP71NiggO

— Matthew E Streuli(@mattstreuli) July 4, 2015

Come and Splat King Rat ♔ 🐀! #summer #fete #funfair #fundraiser #sun #sunbathing

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Jul 4, 2015 at 3:36am PDT