Starting 2015 Scared

I went to my GPs. As it was Christmas they were running a 'walk in and take a ticket' service which actually seemed to run better than the regular service. Suggestion there for them...

Anyway I met a great GP who was understanding. We talked about how a stupid thing - something that would not normally affect me - made me emotionally crash. Remember the bi-polar diagram I drew in the last post? Where my emotions seem to fall off a cliff into the clip art rain cloud? For a sold week I was suicidal and self harming. He asked me how I did it and where and whether I was going to hurt myself or anyone else; which my cynical brain heard "Do I need to section you?". Part of me wanted to scream "yes" and be taken away from it all without dying but the rest of me was too frightened so I immediately assured him I would never  harm anyone else - which is true - and that I don't intend to kill myself. Although I do remember telling him I knew exactly how I would kill myself in a pain free way because "I am a coward".

Either way, he thanked me for coming and gave the talk about how asking for help is an important step. I am on a low dose of the non-branded Prozac called Fluoxetine which falls into a class of drugs called SSRIs or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. This sounds clever and fancy but in simple terms; serotonin is used by the brain to carry messages around its different departments and is absorbed in the process. SSRIs seem to slow the absorption which means there is more Serotonin in your brain and testing shows this helps emotion and sleep (which when I'm high I get very little of and when I'm low I can't seem to wake up). It does have some side effects but the only one I have noticed is some shaking however at this point I haven't noticed any change to my cycle. You may have noticed this shaking in my recent YouTube videos - go look and it's easy to spot.

He then gave me a poster and asked me to self-refer myself to a 'Talking Therapies' service run by NHS Berkshire which I did online and I expect a email next week. From reading their website it seems there is a 30 minute telephone assessment and then they decide if I should get what services they offer, ranging from online tutorials through to CBT / Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or be escalated to a different Mental Health thing within our local NHS. Taking the online test would indicate that I am simply depressed but it (the test) is far too simplistic to leave it at that. A good analogy would be to say the First World War was caused by an man being shot in a car; whilst technically true it doesn't reflect the full situation.

This made me start looking online for easy mental health test that would show a better understanding rather than giving a simplistic depression result. I found Whats My M3 which rather than being about a London to Southampton motorway was a clever 3 minute self exam which if you use private healthcare and a central record system (Microsoft HealthVault) appears to monitor your mood and changes in mood similar to a mood diary. I've attached my results below which still screams depression but does point out that some of my behaviour does appear to be anxiety and 50% bipolar - irony included.

So why am I scared of 2015?
Because I am alone at the end of each day and, perhaps this is my anxiety but, I do not think my work will appreciate my efforts to get help and that is leaving the stigma to one side.

However I should look at the positives; panto is a few weeks away and I know that it will be draining but I do really enjoy it and that club is my passion (HINT HINT I WANT A OBE!!), I am going on a great holiday with my sister and best friends in August and finally that our comedy podcast just hit 6th place on the News Chart. Have a listen using the player below whilst you browse the web and my pictures below.

Anyway, thank you for reading my blog and supporting me. It really does mean the world to me and anytime you wanna give me a hug and a caramel hot chocolate - its always welcome.

Please do keep supporting the charity MIND (I'm a member), share my blog and YouTube videos and finally come see me in pantomime! Enjoy the stuff below - hope you had a great crimbo and may I wish you the very best for 2015.

Thank you. xx

Photo courtesy of VERVE ARTS