Showing posts with label menta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label menta. Show all posts

It's Good now... Surely I will falter again?


Sometimes this blog quietly ticks over. Other times, it goes slightly viral. Last week I discussed how I saw my alcoholic Mum, despite the fact she died some thirteen years ago. Within days, partly thanks to Mental Health Awareness Week, it became my 4th most popular post of all times. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for reading and sharing my blog and website - not only does it help fight stigma and raise awareness but every click helps my ad revenue. It might only be a few pence but it really does make a difference when you have so little income and no support from the benefit system.

Carrying on from last week, it took a few days for me to return to any sort of normality. I've been slightly low for almost a week but think I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. That normal is also about to change. I know it was only three-ish weeks ago that 'Blue Smudge' and I started dating but its just falling into place and clicked so well. So, I've asked her to move in. Having her around makes me feel like I share the burden of my life - she's so good at keeping track of me and organising things. Before my life fell apart last year (discrimination at work, stress and a suicide attempt) I had been lucky and organised enough to buy and run my own flat which I've really struggled by myself.

In other news, my Z-list minor celebrity fame is on the rise and in a good way too. I've had a few locals contact me or speak to me in person in regards to mental health in education and in the workplace. School Counsellors have been a 'norm' in the US for at least a decade but are only starting to appear here. I went to Chalfonts Community College where, through hard work and help from charity counsellors, I gained 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels. I am ecstatic to hear my old secondary school now has a counsellor however, 1 counsellor for 1800 students is like climbing up a waterfall. It is the right direction and I truly think that a key part of preventing the crisis we are suffering from growing any further is education and early intervention and support in education.  Given the chaos and stress of modern education is it any wonder when our poor students fall apart at exam time? Perhaps with better education more students would thrive into university than collapse. I would love to go into more schools and speak not just with students but also with teachers and staff about looking after the mind, in just the same way we have all been focused on taking better care of our bodies.

It is also worth saying that whether I am in #LollipopMan mode, or mental health blogger or just being Chairman of the drama club; I am always willing to openly and honestly talk about mental health and male suicide including my own experience - so never worry about talking to me. Come say Hi :)

Notice the segway there? Every Wednesday I have been directing the Youth play. My cast have been working really hard and seem to relish in fun and limelight having their own show gives them. The ideas and laughter have been great fun. I must also say a big thanks to Terry, Vikki with Conor, Josh and Les who have worked so hard with my amazing lighting, sound and scenery. Luda has been brilliant with the costumes, something I'm not good with! I've also had good support from Kiera, Carol and my pretty Girlfriend. The play is one of two being performed at my summer show - one by the Youth and one by the Adults. Both are really funny and have had a lot of work put into them. From my mental health perspective, sometimes drama is big cause of stress. Cast missing throws me and my plans into the air. However, it is always worth the fight as these youngsters deserve the benefits of drama and indoctrination into the big community spirit. Most of all though, they make me laugh my freaking buttocks off! The show is in less than two weeks and you can buy tickets now at www.ihdc.co.uk or direct from www.ticketsource.co.uk/IHDC
Follow the fun on Instagram @matthewstreuli

"A soulmate is someone who appreciates your level of weird"  - Bill Murray 
Before I wrap up and leave you with my media highlights (they are always at the bottom of my posts so please do have a browse!) I just wanted to explore how I feel about trying to return to work. It is something that has come up a few times with my parents and friends trying to encourage me back into a full time job and career. Perhaps I am being a slob but I really don't want to. I've touched upon this in past posts but I'm convinced I will fail. The moment a stressful day comes along I will break. I am broken. At the moment, if I am failing and falling I can just isolate like I did last week (see my last post) with minimal consequences or letting anyone down. In the world of mental health, people are a lot more understanding and forgiving of such failures. I know what you are thinking, failures is a strong word, but it is exactly how I feel. I wonder if I have typed this hundreds of times but, if I was hearing anyone else say that I would tell them they are not a failure and the daily fight against the black dog is a massive achievement. Why does mental health illnesses prevent us from seeing ourselves the same way? Given the chaos and demands of our modern world, is it any wonder when our minds fall apart from the shouting, stress and strain?

Everything is good now but...  Surely I will falter again?

As always, thank you for reading and sharing. Every share and ad click, subscribe and follow, means so much to me. Thank you. xx








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Buzzing yet nervous. Excited yet sleepy.

A question I am almost always asking myself is Am I right to feel how I feel or is it just my illness?
Come see me in panto! MORE INFO at the bottom of this post

Last week I explained how I was signed off work and was told "no one else has a problem" which given I tried to kill myself only four months ago is at least 'unhelpful'. I went on to make some good connections with MIND, the mental health charity, and with the Huffington Post; this is why I am buzzing. I wrote an article called Perhaps I Can Survive which has been liked on Facebook over 40 times. One person called my article "shocking", another said "painfully honest" and a third called it "inspiring".

I feel quite excited that the negativity that surrounds mental health in general and my current situation can be used in such a positive way. My new radio show has some fantastic ratings (the second show is this Friday so please do listen!) and my blog is steadily growing in visits along with my followers on Twitter. With my birthday only a week or so away and I'm signed off work until at least November, why am I nervous and sleepy?
My new DFS sofa! :)

I am signed off sick with a formal complaint lodged so I am hoping I am being paid. If not, how will any of this pay my mortgage? I am not sick enough or disabled enough to get any benefits, yet anyway so what hope do I have. Either my illness or love of gadgets, or both, is trying to get me to buy a Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge +. It's my birthday right? I've had a hard year, I almost died. I deserve this right? Yet, when I look at my credit card, I already have a debt, unless I get lucky and I do get a few radio interviews or whatever, how I will I clear it?

I don't want to rely on my parents. I don't want to beg to the state. I feel like i'm sponging meals off family and friends already.

Yesterday my washing machine passed away by creating a small swimming pool in my kitchen. I ordered a new one with fitting but that's more money I can't risk on my credit card. That is why I am nervous -being sleepy is the side effect my illness has decided is the best reply.

Still... lets focus on the positive. I have a new washing machine dryer coming, the kickstarter for our community drama club is going really well (although there is a few more adverts and VIP ticket available). I have an amazing set of family and friends and I am 'healthier' today than I was 3 weeks ago.


I guess I better go get a Euromillions ticket!
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Thank you for reading and sharing my blog  - keep scrolling for more!!    :) xx

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My Lego Wall of Thoughts and Feelings



My blog is late this week and actually I was thinking of not even writing it.

I have been brutally honest on my blog. It has been very therapeutic for me to think through and explain how or what I am thinking and feeling; especially as the two might not be the same!. I also hope that my honest has at times been shocking but also helpful in breaking down some of the stigma surrounding mental health. It is fine to be honest about myself – I fully give my consent – but how can I be honest about others? In past editions of my blog I have tried to give a vague impression of the situation but with my current life that would not come close to doing it justice; and that contradicts the point of this blog. I don’t want to write because I have to, but because I enjoy it and hopefully you enjoy it, or at least find it interesting. So how can I explain how I feel and why I am thinking the things I do when these things are not my life and not my story?

I don’t know. It winds me up. It’s only a small Lego brick in a wall of my life.

Originally I planned for this post to be about my bedroom which over a long weekend with help from friends and family I have renovated; new carpets, new bed, new storage, new lights and a new paint job. I am really proud of it. 

It was a lot of work but having a tidier house can only help with a healthier mind. However, on Sunday as I stood in a carpet shop I found out my best friend’s mother had passed away after a long and bitter fight with breast cancer. Just days before my big sis Claire has raised hundreds of pounds for Cancer Research UK by getting caked in mud on a fun run and her donation page is still open if you have any spare change. Helen was an amazing woman with a brilliant sense of humour, something that kept everyone going through her many stages of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. For the past few months her condition had steadily failed until she moved into a hospice and then a care home. Rather selfishly, I had chosen not to see her recently, instead wanting to remember her from parties and drama club events and not the figure in the bed. She passed away peacefully with her family around her. Part of me is so glad for her, to be free from the pain of that bitter battle but also that her family are released and, while in the short term I know it must hurt, but they can now have closure and rebuild their lives. I will miss her and maybe as I slowly realise she is gone, it is magnifying the effects of those ‘lego bricks’ I mentioned. 


I can’t tell you the details of my lego bricks but they all interlock into big issues that are making me very angry and sad. Even though I should now have tools such as mindfulness to combat this, I want to be angry and sad. Again, if I could explain to you each brick and how they fit you would hopefully agree that it is so unfair and I have every right to want to scream and smash and shout. Everything exploding, back in my face despite all my effort becuase its never ever good enough. There is always more!
Yet, here I am, just trying to keep myself to myself feeling angry and hurt yet trying to be supportive for that family and my friends. Once again, I feel that I can and should suffer because that is better than anyone else hurting. I know it’s wrong but it feels like what I deserve and the noble thing to do. A chunk of this wall is to do with work – as I have said before I have reports from the Occupational Health and an NHS psychologist. I have been getting legal advice from MIND as despite being open here and in meetings, I do not think overall conditions are better. In fact, with staff leaving I can already tell they are worse – or is that the magnification of Helen’s death?

I had suicidal thoughts at work today.

But why bother being upset? Why be angry? I’ll just hurt you. So I just swallow it into my black hole. I don’t know.
Should I fight? I don’t want to.
I don’t belong here.
 






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