The Long Awaited Update

 Quickly mention the 5:2 diet (Hello Heather and Sara!) - I don't have will power. I've been eating celery and soups and my lunches have been low calories. It's when I get home alone that it all goes wrong.

Anyway... I typed this yesterday to get things off my chest and this might be the only way to express it with certain people. I should say, after spending times with my best friends last night, I do feel better. Just tired.

I think I have bi-polar but the help I’ve had from my GP in the past wasn’t really helpful.

Long story short:

I’m 24 years old.

My mum and dad split up when I was 9. My mum was already a heavy drinker but it got worse. At one point when I was 12 I drove her home from the pub. When I was 13 my mum died from liver failure. I later found out that my mum had had multiple affairs. I can only assume that it was this combined with the death of her father and close family friend pushed her over the edge.

Throughout my teens I’ve battled with depression which I honestly thought I had beaten when in February 2012 I completed 18 months of counselling with a new counsellor.

Since then I’ve bought my own flat and was very happy in a new secure job with pay that keeps getting better as I’ve improved. Until April 2013 I had a loving understanding girlfriend who I had been with for over 2 years. My girlfriend turned round to me one day and just told me she didn’t love me anymore. She was 4 years younger than me and I idolised her

Since then l I’ve been feeling like I have random phases – just where life gets to me. For a few days every few weeks I think about death or dying or how much the world demands and how little fight I have. On my 24th birthday I honestly thought about jumping off a bridge onto the M25.

My dad lives with my half sister, she’s 11, and my step mother – who has always tried to mother me but given my young independence that was something I never wanted to give her. I barely see them. I moved out and got my own flat because I wanted that independence back but also I couldn’t put up with the confrontation that my stepmother represents. The continuous shouting at my sister, rather than actually turning the TV or walking up stairs to talk to her, not only wound me up but also made me anxious.

I feel excluded from my father’s new family. Twice in 3 years they have gone to Australia over the Christmas/New Year break. I have never been consulted or invited. (I was consulted after they bought the tickets. And if I remember correctly both times I heard it from Anna not my parents). It really hurts to think that my ONLY family would rather be on the furthest part of planet Earth than to spend this family holiday time with me. My sister’s 11th Birthday was last weekend and I waited to be invited or involved in the plans. Nothing. My dad didn’t answer my messages. We both work for the same company, different departments, and often lunch together but he was too busy to lunch that week. My step mother sent me a message asking if I had got Anna, my sister, a present and saying she had a skating party on Saturday but nothing planned for the Sunday, her actual birthday. No invitation. She even said “We haven’t organised anything”.

I went over to their house unannounced  on the Saturday night to give Anna her present (I struggle to make ends meet even though my salary is actually OK). I refuse to go anywhere unless I’m invited – its something my Nan’s upbringing had installed in me. I couldn’t knock on the door. Zoe’s family was there. She hadn’t organised anything for me. She had organised for her sister’s family to come from Fareham/Southhampton and stay the night. On Sunday morning I got a text, around 11am, saying they were going to the pub for lunch as a spur of the moment. Nan had already got food out the freezer but I said no politely on merit.  If Zoe is pushing me out the family why isn’t my Dad, my only living relative, looking out for me? Cos he’s a soft touch and all he wants is a easy life. I doubt he even thinks what repercussions his actions or inactions might have.

I have spoken to my Dad since the weekend. He called me at work and asked me work questions. Nothing about Anna or me.

My Father’s parents emigrated to the UK from Switzerland (I have dual nationality) at the end of the second world war however they both died when I was a child. This means whilst I probably do have Swiss relatives, I’ve never met them. My family on my mother’s side is spread out over West London. I haven’t seen most of them since her funeral. I am in contestant touch with my Nan (my mum’s mum) but she’s only family I have. I feel like she bought me up. But I think she has Alzheimer’s. I can tell her things several times and they get immediately forgotten and whenever I broach the subject she gets hostile. I try to spend Friday night and Saturday day there but it really wears me down.

At the moment, I am in my low phase. My flat is a mess.

I feel happy at work, maybe a bit overworked and stressed but my co-workers are great. But the moment I get home and it’s me and the cat I feel alone and empty.

I just feel down for a random few days every few weeks.

And yet, i can go through a few days where I can’t sleep – I’m bouncing off the ceiling and making plans and putting 110% into the amdram club that means the world to me –planning trips to take the kids to the theatre or buying props for panto. I’m creative. I make videos on YouTube and organise events for me and my friends. And my friends are amazing. Last Christmas when my own family went to OZ, they took me in. I was there for 3 days. They even organised a stocking for me. I’d never had a stocking before. It meant soo much to me.

I should be immensely proud of everything I have done – I have 11 GCSEs, 3 A levels, a flat I own (mortgage), a cat, amazing friends, a secure job and I’m the vice-chairman of a community drama club. 

So why do I want to die? Why can’t I function like everyone else? How can everyone tolerate this?

I’m sick of fighting, even though I know I should.

I don’t know where to go. I felt that counselling really helped the last time but I know what the solution they will offer will be: go talk to your dad. But I can’t. What will it solve? It’s easier to just bottle it up and keep going. Maybe I’m more like my Dad than I want to admit.

On the other hand I don’t want to lose the epic highs I get once a month. I feel so creative and outgoing. Whenever I’m up there it makes these black patches seem tolerable. But now I’m in a black patch, it seems unbearable. I don’t want to do it anymore.

I don’t keep my mental health issues a secret but I don’t publicise it either. My friends all know but my work has no idea and it worries me to think they might find out.

 In other news I went Ice Skating last night. They broke my bum. It hurts sooo bad.