As always - please remember I am quite open about my mental health and so this blog and my other social media will contact trigger warnings.
Is your mind really set on suicide later on your life or does it just happens to be your ask for help?I understand that other people don't want to die. I get that. Why would you want life to ever end? But I honestly find the prospect of fighting to survive for another few months, yet alone another 25 years, a frightening one. Previously I have used the analogy of climbing a waterfall. Some days the stream of water is gentile and cooling. Other days the stream is a torrent that pushes you back and drowns you. Just as you complete one week filled with the stresses of seeing two Doctors or having to confront and handle people, you think you reach the top of that waterfall - yet you look at your diary and see the cliff face grow in front of you. I'm 25 years old. When I think I'm at the top, I realise I'm not even half way.
Suicide is the only way I can take control. It is the only way I can decide how tall that cliff face is.
Perhaps suicide is my way of asking for help. I don't know what more help I deserve though. I am much happier now I have a 'plan of action'. I hate not knowing what to expect or even a guide to how things will go - it makes me nervous.
Either way, when I put that belt around my neck a few weeks ago I did not want to live. It is as simple as that. There was no premeditated thought that I would get attention or that I might get time off work - in actual fact I'd prefer to have neither of those things as they result in confrontation! If the very simple version of me that was running, an emergencyMatt.exe , had the simple problem solving skills required to secure a belt to a door with a screw then I would now be dead.
Do you feel better now that you are on therapy?Now I know that I am attending group therapy, which starts next week, I am much happier. I am also getting some great support at work and having seen the report from my Occupational Health Doctor a couple of weeks ago I am somewhat optimistic. I'm actually nervous about my next meeting with HR as I don't know how my management will feel about the NHS assessment and the OH report.
The more aware and educated you are about a problem, the better you can manage it. I am trying to be more forgiving with myself, without being lazy or self-centred, and manage myself better. This weekend I saw signs of another black patch coming, so I left. I avoided the situation and gave myself some time.
Thank you for your question. Please comment below or tweet me - I'd love to see your feedback and even a question for next week.
Don't apologize for your #mentalhealth diagnosis.You wouldn't apologize for having diabetes or cancer. #StigmaFighter pic.twitter.com/TluB3VdiuY— MentalHealthPlatform (@MEHEP4U) July 5, 2015