Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Post Panto Blues

It is very hard to write a blog post when it feels like there is nothing wrong. In short, I feel fine.

The last time I blogged about my mental health adventure (click here to see it) I was waiting a referral which I am please to confirm did happen.



Last Thursday I met a therapist at Upton Hospital in Slough. From the outside Upton looks like a Victorian mansion that’s been requisitioned into the NHS. In a small corner is the Slough Memory Clinic but once inside it feels like a very clean and modern GP surgery. I was met by a therapist who took me into a ‘Group Therapy’ room. With its high sided armchairs reminded me more of the lounges in care homes where the inmates wait for death. I filled out the same questionnaires that I completed a few weeks ago over the phones – to track any changes I assume – and then I was ‘interviewed’. I think interviewed is the best word to explain it as it didn’t feel like any CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) session I have had. I gave a summary of recent highs including pantomime and the last low. In her opinion, it does sound like bipolar and she said she would refer me to a specialist team who using tools like CBT would help me. At this time, just over a week later, I am yet to receive a letter with an appointment.  

At the time of the meeting I was low; not lowest and not in a bad place but just low. I don’t know if it was that meeting or perhaps some unimportant (in hindsight) news that triggered my crash. Over Thursday night and into Friday morning I crashed to the bottom of my ‘cycle’. I had extremely worrying thoughts even testing whether a belt would take my weight. I severed all contact with the outside world and refused to even acknowledge it. The last thing I felt I could do is socialise with people because it is so draining. Everyone gets those days were we just can’t tolerate that loosed jawed person at work who won’t shut up or that one member of the family everyone limits their time with. I felt that there was no way I could put on the Matt Streuli act at all and I didn’t want people seeing me unable to engage. I know the people reading this will say that “we love you no matter what” and it does mean a lot to hear that. However, I do not love myself and I feel I am burden; a burden I would hate to impose on anyone. If I ever become a burden or severely disabled with age where I do nothing but hinder the lives of others, I would kill myself. I would kill myself in exactly the same way we euthanase pets when it’s the ‘kind’ thing to do. Why am I any different to your cat?

Except that I don’t shit all over your floor.

On Sunday, my close friends Louis and Falcon turned up at my flat. Knocking on doors and windows, they sent me texts demanding to see me. I hid. I pulled my covers over me. I wanted to be alone in a self imposed exile. Everyone was obviously worried about me and my unusual media blackout to the point that Falcon and Louis went to my Dad’s house. My dad called me. My immediate reaction was that I felt betrayed. Rationally I of course understand why they went to my Parents and I am so grateful I have fantastic friends like this. Emotionally I felt betrayed and this isn’t something I can justify. Over the next few days I forced myself to interact with people and apart from a ‘low tolerance’ moment of deleting a certain backstabbing hypocritical bitch from my facebook, I have been coming up the other side of the ditch. I would like to point out that, sometimes, it is worth purging some people from your life as you realise that those people are purely toxic. Yes, that means upsetting people which I do not like BUT I would rather sever the link than continue to be hurt by their nasty behaviour.

I have been to my GP and got another 4 weeks of meds and had my dose doubled. It could just be the placebo effect but acting happy is a lot easier than it was a week ago.

Part of me is looking forward to the next step of my referral but somewhat dreading the inevitable step it brings with it; officially informing my employer.

Now cheer up. Its not all bad.



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