This is a question I've been avoiding for a while.
On paper, it seems a nice idea to have a candle or a sign - perhaps even some photographs - of loved ones who have died and so are unable to attend your wedding day. My problem is that I don't particularly love my alcoholic Mother who drank herself to death when I was 13.
WedMagazine.co.uk is one of the many sites that have heartfelt articles on remembering your deceased family members and I think the idea of honouring someone close, especially when they have helped shaped who you are today, is a lovely tribute. This particular article talks about mentioning them in the order of service, using their favourite flowers or piece of jewellery. The only proposition suitable for my dead mum is raising a glass to her but I'm not sure saying "Cheers" to so someone so dependent to booze it cost them their marriage, dignity and life is something worth writing home about.
Part of writing my blog is to help me understand and process how I feel and what I think about certain issues or situations. It is also a great opportunity to hear your honest feedback through social media and the comments below. I guess what might seem alien is that even though she finally died in 2003, I don't think I have forgiven her. In fact, I'm still quite annoyed with her. It's not the anger I felt when I was a teenager - time has mellowed this pain to that of a mild itch.
I remember sitting on the hospital bed in which my Mum died and holding her hand. I told her that despite everything that had happened, I forgave her. I didn't really forgive her and I still don't but I couldn't let her die thinking her only Son hated her. I was 13.
We've already decided that at our wedding there will be 'nods' and elements highlighting mental health; so important to the journey that the bride and I have made to reach this day. Just in case you haven't seen my mug on TV, heard my effeminate voice on radio or my trotters on the stage: my story starts as a carer for an alcoholic Mother and leads into mental health as a teen and adult suffering workplace discrimination culminating in a suicide attempt in 2015.
Given that my Mother played a key role in creating a dysfunction home of my childhood which in turn warped the cogs of my mind and altered my programming - should I be thanking her? As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I know forgiveness and learning to love again is key. However, I will never really know the what and the whys that drove my mum to find relief in her dry white wine. Continues Below...
All of this brings me back to the idea of remembering that lost loved one. They helped shape who you are today. There can be no doubt that the actions and inactions of my Mother were a huge influence in the avenues my life has travelled. Perhaps rather than raising a glass, I could raise a middle finger? Despite everything, look how far I've come and look how far I will go.
What would you do? Do you have a loved one you're not entirely sure you want to remember? Do you just ignore them and gloss over it? Or should I stop my whining and do a small tribute so I'm not being such a monster? Leave a comment below or my Facebook page.
Research released today by Mind, the Mental Health Charity in England and Wales, show that men are twice as likely to suffer from mental health issues caused by their job than women. If you've been reading my blog for while, this will resonate with my story. My previous job caused my mental health to diminish until in 2015 when I tried to kill myself.
I asked for help several times and was signed off work more than once. When I went to the office with the 'latest' sick note and told my senior manager I had been signed off due to stress he replied "No one else has a problem." He even tried to convince me to resign. Despite the reports and advice from the company's appointed Doctor and the evidence from my NHS psychologist and GP, they simply didn't care enough to make minor and cheap changes. I felt disposable. I had been injured, my mental health had been made worse to the point of suicide and yet I was made to feel it was my fault. How can it be my fault for hitting targets, asking for help and reasonable adjustments while trying to keep on ever increasing piles of work?
And yet, as shocking as my story might be, it is not a one-off. Stress and other mental health problems are the second biggest cause of sickness absence, accounting for 70 million lost working days every year.
In 2016 the family of Dr Rose Polge, 25, called for action to halt the "crisis" affecting trainee doctors after she went missing and took her own life. According to the BBC she is one of three Junior Doctors to go missing or take their own lives related to their employment. One anesthetist wrote on the British Medical Journal website that "Just as safety is everyone's business, so is safeguarding friends & colleagues."
Meanwhile, a Psychiatrist from Wales wrote:"Every suicide is a potentially preventable tragedy. Each one of my medical school reunions is marked by ... our fellow med students who are no longer with us - we have lost more to suicide than for any other reason" My story is just one of the 15,000 in this research that show this 'disposable' use of humans isn't limited to the medical profession or to office workers; it's an epidemic.
The research, which comes from a survey of 15,000 employees across 30 organisations, is released as Mind urges employers to sign up to the Workplace Wellbeing Index 2017/18.
The new data from Mind also shows that men are less prepared to seek help and take time off than women. Alarmingly it suggests that although men are more likely to have mental health problems because of their job, women are more likely to open up and seek support from their line manager or employer.
In the end, I took the company to employment tribunal through ACAS but settled before the first hearing. By this point, it was months after ending up on long-term sick and having my pay cut off, I needed the money. Yet all of this, including my ongoing mental health issues, could have been prevented if the adjustments recommended by the company's Doctor weren't ignored or if the ideas in the Workplace Wellbeing Index were adopted.
(Workplace Wellbeing Index) is a benchmark of best policy and practice when it comes to staff mental health, designed to celebrate the good work employers are doing and to provide key recommendations on the specific areas where there is room to improve.
For every 80p spent on Mental Health promotion, it has been shown to save £4 on costs (sick pay, tribunals, HR interventions, lost business). According to Mind's 2016/2017 Index, 10% of employees rated their current mental health as currently poor or very poor. Over a quarter said this was due to problems at work, not home.
Thirty organisations have joined the previous Index including the Environment Agency, Jaguar Land Rover, PepsiCo, Deloitte and Barnardo’s. Mind is now calling on forward thinking employers who want a thriving workforce rather than a barely surviving one to sign up and join these companies in the 2017/2018 Index.
If you are an unconvinced Manager or without-heart in HR, then look at the figures - can you afford not to join the Index?
with thanks to Claire Bennett at Mind's media team.
For interviews with Mind or myself, please contact the Mind Media Team on 0208 522 1743 or email media@mind.org.uk
Mind, the mental health charity, provides advice and support to empower anyone experiencing a mental health problem. They campaign to improve services, raise awareness and promote understanding. They won't give up until everyone experiencing a mental health problem gets both support and respect. www.mind.org.ukI'm proud to be a member.
Mind has a confidential information and support line, Mind Infoline, available on 0300 123 3393 (lines open 9am - 6pm, Monday – Friday)
In a crisis: Samaritans are open 24/7. Call free from any phone on 116 123
If I was counselling someone else I would of said it, so why didn't I say it?
Emotions can seriously hinder OR enhance your capacity, success and logic. I've derived this all from "you shouldn't apologise for how you feel".
You are never wrong for feeling how you do. You might feel it and then find out the cause (what you heard, or meant) was in error. You might even learn they didn't mean to say or imply what she did. Even so, it was hard for my logical mind to change my emotional heart; I feel anger, hurt untrusted and oddly guilty.
I often wonder, after observing others, am I the only one who feels such guilt? Have you felt that?
If everyone else felt such guilt about upsetting people, even when they have right to feel hurt themselves, then wars and the pettiest of arguments wouldn't never come be.
When it comes to a dispute, I still feel anger and hurt and enormous guilt so I'd much rather crawl back and grovel. Even after all this time its somehow easier sacrificing how I feel and its cause so I can end the pain and make everyone else ok. But then, I could argue that that maybe if I'm the only one feeling great guilt over it, then it is unlikely they feel the same great pain I do. Surely if they felt the same pain they would feel the same guilt over upsetting someone? - Cause and effect?
Just by reading that last paragraph you can see why we shouldn't counsel ourselves.
Right now there is someone I think a great deal of having this internal monologue. I've had it many times. Yes, taking all the blame even if it isn't your fault, is the easy option. But that option will eat away at you and slow burn you from the inside out. It will pollute how you see, feel and interact in the world. The right option is honesty. The right option is standing your ground, holding your morals and defending yourself. You are loved and deserve the real love of a good person - not the murky waters you're settling for.
For those of you who like to put everything in writing, so you can plan and think your feelings, then I recommend contacting the email team of the Samaritans.
📷 bryantmcgill: Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. —... https://t.co/ZhifdCIHsm
____________________________________________________________________
Oh my blessed relief, I crave you.
A tiny flinch and that combustion is released: a pool forms
and with a wipe, I'm briefly fine.
I knew my Childhood wasn't normal but I certainly didn't dwell on it. Children don't. They can be a lot stronger and more adaptable than we realise, depending on their age and how it is explained to them. My mother was an alcoholic.
What was a typical day like as a child? Well I got up and went to school. I've never needed a parent to wake me, did it all myself. Couldn't really be bothered with breakfast but I acted old enough to get to school and nag myself to do homework or clean the house.
I was her sole carer until she died when I was 13.
Flash forward to June 2015 and I tried to kill myself. Depression has been an ongoing symptom of my battle with mental health and the discrimination and stigma I have faced, mostly in the workplace, has only exacerbated the problem.
The main cause of my suicide attempt was stress and workload at work, since we had lost several members of staff without them being replaced, but the trigger was an incident at work where I defended someone I 'saw' as vulnerable but I came under attack. Without consciously knowing it, I needed to look after that vulnerable person just as I did when I was the sole carer for my Mother between the ages of 8 (my Step-Mum says it was when I was 10) and 13. She died from alcoholism. My 'damaged' hardware and software of my mind crashed.
I lasted just over 3 months. The trigger was when I brought something to the attention of my Senior Manager and challenged him, just like we are always being told to. I told him he had offended some of the staff and he replied with "I don't care". It set off the same cascade failure we had seen a few months earlier except this time, I asked for help. When I told that same manager I had been signed off due to work he replied "No one else has a problem." He even tried to convince me to resign. I've seen GPs, my NHS psychologist, I've spoken with solicitors and legal teams at Citizens Advice Bureau and ACAS as well as the fantastic team at MIND. He discriminated against me, I assume because of my disability.
I self harmed because of him. They knowingly exacerbated my condition. If I didn't ask for help they would have my blood on their hands.
In the end, with thanks to ACAS, I took the company to an employment tribunal but settled before the first hearing. Part of me wishes I held out just to have my ‘day in court’ but by this point, months after I ended up on long-term sick and having my pay cut off, I needed the money. I went from taken 100+ phone calls a day, handling orders in excess of £1m to being unable to make or take phone calls and crying when trying to handle basic paperwork.
Almost Two years on I am so much better than when I tried to kill myself, I am will always suffer anxiety and depression linked to my condition (Borderline Personality Disorder).
I then saw a job offer as a Lollipop Man. Perfect.
Stop Means Stop!
Failing to stop for a Lollipop Man or Lady is a £1000 fine and 3pts
A great way to get me out the house, give me reason to wake up and avoid the risks of an office. It hasn’t been easy – I’ve been sworn at, had cars swerve round me and I was even hit by a courier van in February 2017 – but in the last year I’ve become a Teaching Assistant, re-met an old school friend and fell in love with her. MADLY in love. She moved in with me, taken care of me and I proposed to her on New Years 2017. She has given me hope in life and love. We've had a few explosive adventures! The council has given me hope in employers again and being one of two male staff at the school has given me a lot of lovely caring mother figures – I can’t get away with anything!
Follow me on Instagram and Twitter - @MattStreuli
I should also mention how amazing my drama club has been - giving me love and care of a family of friends as well as a way of self-exploration and desperately needed distraction.
Despite being busy with road safety and school work, I still write and I aim to reboot this blog. Over the 2 years, I've produced YouTube videos and I have even taken part in Public Speaking to the MoD with Time To Change to actively encourage everyone to speak out and seek help in an attempt to fight the frightening suicide rate, despite my ongoing depression and anxiety. I even help with shortlisting for the Mind Media Awards – this will be my second year. I've even appeared in The Guardian and written for HuffPost.
I might be a lot poorer than when I worked in that office, but I am happier and physically healthier than ever before.
BELOW are links to some favourite posts of my past blog. Every view and share is really appreciated.
When I looked at my friend sat on the kerb, I didn't see her. Just how am I to describe it? A hallucination? A flashback? It was like watching a film and suddenly the actress playing my friend was swapped with the one playing my dead mother, but I was the only one who could see it. Why did my head decide this was a helpful thing?> http://mattstreuli.blogspot.co.uk/2015/12/i-cannot-do-2015-again.html
Depression can feel like a lead weight on your chest whilst a vacuum drains the joy and energy from your soul. Some days, suicide did seem like the best option. It even felt uplifting to consider that I might have a solution or a conclusion for it all. Other days I didn't want to die but I wasn't too fussed to stay alive. To quote a Nik Kershaw song I covered last year; "It's getting harder, just keeping life and soul together. I'm sick of fighting, even though I know I should."
"Self-observation is the first step of inner unfolding."
~ Amit Ray
Workplace discrimination is illegal. However, 48 per centof people with a mental health problem still say they would not be comfortable telling their employer about their illness. As you may of read over the past year in my blog, some employers can actually be more destructive than supportive. In fact, that employer exacerbated my condition to the point I actually tried to kill myself last year. Yet something has changed.
It dawned on me the other night.Suddenly I spotted that I wasn't just surviving to the next event or checkpoint in my life. Pushing myself to reach the next week. As I laid on the sofa, staring at the artex it clicked. I was shocked and slightly baffled. Even though the next day was just another day of volunteering, working (nearly getting hit by cars speeding on on their phones) and trying to do the basic things of being an adult (paying bills etc), I noticed that I was actually looking forward to the next day.
That's not to say that over the past thirteen years I've had some form of mental health issue that I have not looked forward to things or events. I have. I really have. But said events have been a goal to aim for and something to enjoy if or when I complete the battle to survive that long. This feeling was warm and different. Tomorrow wouldn't just be another day of putting on my outward facing mask, I'm actually looking forward to my life and I am actually enjoying it. Part of that is certainly down to my amazing friends and especially my girlfriend who not only shares my love of fun, taste in music and comedy but our bond unites and balances us in the same way 'ying and yang' or two fat kids on a see-saw do. For that metaphor to work both children would need to be equal weight and it would be the dullest day at the playground but ignoring that minor issue, I hope you get the general idea. Post continues below video: Making YouTube videos is a great way to share the fun and make people smile - plus it gives me a postive creative outlet. Your support really matters - thank you for your comments, shares, likes and views :)
I'm aiming this at myself. The person who I was in the days following my suicide attempt. If you can't imagine what that mindset is like there is a fantastic TED talk at the bottom of this post. Essentially, I tried to act as if I was OK and get back to some normality as quickly as I could but I deep down knew I was broken.
The 'Mrs' and I
Deep down I was worried I might never be fixed. Some of you reading this will be stuck in the same rut. Today, I can tell you that we may never be fixed and I'm pretty cool with that. In fact, it defines who we are. Today, I can tell you that not every day will be an exhausting battle - some days will and they really drain me. I know I'm not fixed or perfect but for the first time, in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to each day and not just seeing it as another battle in the war of life.
Whether I'm volunteering with he brilliant yet wacky children, acting on the stage of my local club, presenting my weekly radio show, writing this blog or just being with my partner; I am happy to admit that I am OK and slowly getting back to some normality. It isn't easy and I don't think my battles, based upon my tweets anyway!, will ever be over but hopefully you can see some hope to motivate you to where I am and beyond.
Thanks for reading - every view and ad-click does really make a difference. Please share this blog and my social media.
Thank you for your support and love. #MentalHealthMatters
Where does time go?
Welcome to my new look blog! I've spent the last day or two tweaking its facade as everything needs a refresh from time to time; so welcome to it. Unless of course you are new to my blog and didn't see the last look - I mean you are still welcome but it is all new. Or perhaps you are visiting in the far future and the blog has gone through one or more updates still. Either way, I'll wipe the dribble from my chin and welcome all of you to my blog.
If you are new to the story, or just in need of a recap, I'm Matt. I'm 26 and lucky enough to live in my own flat with my cat and my girlfriend who has just moved in. We met as teenagers and drifted apart over senior school until a few months ago our paths crossed again. Despite being apart our paths have similar parallels. I mostly blog about my adventures and battles in life; the biggest one being with my mental health. My diagnosis has evolved since my teenage years from Depression to Bipolar Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and most recently onto EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Depending on the specialist and their field of study there is some debate over nature and nurture as to the source of my mental illness. Perhaps it is inherited or it is the breakdown of my parents' marriage when I was 7 and 8 which lead me into being the sole carer for my alcoholic Mother until her demise when I was 13. I've had good and bad: I've achieved 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels but I have also suffered from Workplace Discrimination.
Whether you have just joined us or you've read a few of my past posts (or you are a star and read them all including clicking on adverts hehe!) then you can see how understanding mental illness has been a key part of my life. At times it has lead me into darkness - my suicide attempt a year ago and the scars I bear from past Self-Harm. In other times it has given me power and strength - I've written for The Guardian, spoken publicly on stigma and discrimination in workplaces for charities on mental health and stress. It even helped introduce me and connect me to my partner. For quite a while now, I've dabbled with the thought of a tattoo until on Saturday a chance tweet from my best friend Aidan ended up in the three of us getting the Semicolon Tattoo.
"The semicolon is used when a sentence could have ended, but didn't."
Post continues below video:
Within 90 seconds the permanent, matching and deeply meaningful marks were done. They still need a bit of care with some moisturiser but they look pretty good - except for the obvious shaved patch where my tattoo lives! I felt incredibly anxious about the pain which is why I needed the group mentality to ever do it but like with so many things I over worry about - it wasn't all that bad. Caroline, my girlfriend, is interested in more but I have no intentions.
When I'm not blogging, I am the proud Chairman of a local drama club which helps install confidence and social or community ethics into our youth - as it did for me. I like to make a few YouTube videos, mostly of drama shows and unboxings. I also present a weekly radio show as well as stop the chaos as a Lollipop Man. Recently, thanks to the support of my amazing Lady, I have become more active in a local primary school which has included making snails from pipe cleaners and pruning the outdoor area while on a treasure hunt.
Initially I was petrified of any big working commitment. As I've mentioned in previous weeks - why risk what I have now? Whether you look at my mental or physical health, I am better today than I have been for years although having no full time job or support in state benefits means the contrary for my bank balance. Just a few days here and there at the school and instead of being overwhelmed or flooded with depression and anxiety, I find myself excited to be there more and sad when I'm not. Even if it is just supervising or hovering around, our youngsters are bright and imaginative each with a unique personality of cheekiness and charm. I've been with Caroline to a few open days on teaching and Primary Education and I can tell you that despite it being a slightly bizarre world, it is a beautiful and intelligent one.
I've prattled on enough for one post so as one youngster said to me recently: "Zip it!"
#TheCheek! #Kids...who'dhave'em!
Oh and I didn't even mention how amazing Coldplay were - big thanks to my Bestie Aidan for organising that fantastic event. Their latest single is Caroline and my current favourite - hence the title for this week. With Caroline potentially off to Uni and I'm getting better and well enough to volunteer more and more - things are going Up and Up.
Thank you for reading, sharing and clicking all over my blog. Please do have a look at the links above and the social media fun below.
You are stars! xx
So... That was a crazy week. Where do I begin? I guess where our last post ended.
I was being called a 'crusader' by the local press so getting so frustrated with people breaking the law and trying to kill me, I started filming and posting it.
It is a tricky situation. My anxiety skyrocketed after so much press interest last week and some of the initial responses as I began have an internal struggle between venting my frustration and doing something about these incidents and trying to follow the correct channels and procedures which may not get me any results of if they do, get there too slowly.
As you can see from the press article linked above, my County Council are being very supportive and I think this is something I can be proactive about and bring a positive change with safer roads for everyone. Hell, if the we can get a method working of actually fining the worst offenders, it could even fund itself!
Perhaps it is my own frustration but what is the point of having laws if they are not enforced? If people can commit crimes, such as never stopping for me, and never get a telling off or a fine then they have no reason to stop. When other people see this behaviour, they start to follow suit.
As the week continued there was a 'Open Mic Night' (I'm planning on editing the footage later this week so keep an on my Twitter@MattStreuli) and a trip to Costco where I didn't spend any money. Now is perhaps a good time to admit that I've shown an interest in a certain young lady for a while now. I tried not to act upon but it had been mentioned to a couple of friends. The same friends who encourage said Lady to attend those events and my friend's 50th birthday on Saturday (again footage to be edited but there is some here on my Instagram).
My mind can be evil. Who could ever be attracted to me? I used to think I was the 'Leonard' from Big Bang Theory but I'm more like 'Raj'! Except Raj doesn't crossdress on stage and I'm not a PhD of some sort. Given the depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts I've discussed with you, why would someone choose me as a boyfriend? Yet after some flirting and hand holding from both sides it happened. She kissed me as I dropped her off from our long weekend and then in Brighton, on a day out with friends and my little sister, she asked me to be her boyfriend. Yes, I know that tradition dictates I do the woo-ing but I could never refuse her!
Speaking of weird things...
I was asked to help 'Time to Change' by attending another event (click here for info on last one) and talk to small groups about my experience. All I was told was it is a MoD building site. MoD standing for Ministry of Defence. I was expecting an old airfield or maybe a barracks that is being modernised or turned into housing. Nope.
I woke up feel anxious already. Talking on stage in heels, even if I ad-lib and ignore the script is almost second nature. Yet the prospect of appearing on 'a stage' as myself is more than scary. I pushed myself to do it and dosed up on meds. Coming off the M4 near Reading, I followed the directions I'd been given wondering why there were no signs and little traffic. As I turned the corner of a country road, with high hedges and farming fields aplenty, a giant site looking like a cross between Auschwitz and a radar station just appeared. It appeared in a way that immediately made me think that if I ever go down that road again, it would not be there. Parking in a car park outside the parameter I went into the reception rooms and bus station. There was a continuous bleep. Every second. That just built my anxiety. It was like being in George Orwell's Supermarket. Armoured vehicles and armed Police everywhere. I probably should not go into too much detail but the site is run by AWE who use it to store, construct and research nuclear weapons. We weren't talking to the MoD itself, but the building contractors and managers building the new modern buildings and silos. As you may of read in a previous post, I visited the 'Secret Nuclear Bunker' with my Father a few years ago and this, from what I could see, was the hi-tech futuristic version of that cold war history. This blog isn't the place to discuss whether we should rearm, renew or relinquish our nuclear deterrent and missile capability but simply having us there to discuss mental health and combat stigma can only help their staff and in turn keep them healthy and at work. Getting better and earlier intervention is a key element for everyone including businesses.
I guess that is it for this post.
Maybe it is my mind but I tend to feel that these are not the powerful poignant essays or rants I used to have. Perhaps you could comment with examples below or let me know if you think this borderline diary is still useful. If nothing else it does show the struggle of someone with mental health issues as they try to rebuild their life, if there is a future at all. Yet, I've been asked out by a stunning caring and clever lady - so I should never complain again! - Good luck hehe!
Thanks again for reading, following and sharing. x x
THERE'S MORE MEDIA AND LINKS BELOW - Thank you for reading and sharing my blog. Every view and Ad Click makes a HUGE difference!
Since my suicide attempt less than a year ago and my continuing story on this blog, I've quoted statistics and recounted tales imagining the world to be shocked and suddenly wake up. Perhaps trigger a moment of sudden realisation that we are living in a true crisis. After a flurry of tweets, my blog and its archive see a spike before falling silent. I'm frustrated and the world just keeps on, keeping on.
This week is Depression Awareness Week yet male viewers of the popular ITV morning show Lorraine are being encouraged to check their testicles through a 'Check Your Chaps' initiative. A worth cause and something all men should do but given that suicide kills more men then any and all cancers, perhaps we should all start to fight that war.
People have been sharing their feelings and views on depression on social media, using the hashtags #WhatYouDontSee and #DAW2016. Now seems like a good time to collate where I stand.
In 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder although this has changed to Borderline Personality Disorder over time.
With thanks to SANE and 23weeksocks
In previous posts here I've tried to describe the rather up and down, almost cycle or sine wave type, ride my emotions go through. Most of last week, I was pretty hyper. I was a buzz! I started my new job as a Lollipop Man (click link here for more) which doesn't quite pay all my bills but with my media work should keep me safe. Despite a huge downpour on Friday, its been sunny and all the parents and youngsters are lovely. I even went to see two TV shows being filmed at Pinewood Studios - which was brilliant free fun! - and even sang a few songs with my best friends at a local 'Open Mic' night. Yet, I still had depression. Yes; just because I am happy doesn't mean it has gone. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication which, with talking therapy alongside, helps me function in a some-what normal way.
A diabetic person who takes their medication, still has diabetes; even if like me they function pretty normally at least some of the time.
If a diabetic person stopped their meds, their condition would get worse. The exact same applies to mental health and, in turn, depression.
Read more on my work with YHP on last week's post - click here
I don't show the outward signs of depression all the time because of my condition but what is depression actually like?
I start to become grumpy. Snappy too. Before I had ideas and excitement, now pessimism is so powerful I cannot push myself to think anything is achievable. Living from one day to the next in almost a daze can lead to confusion and overwhelming feel that I'm too busy or under pressure even with a empty diary (not that happens anymore!). Occasionally we all like a lie in, but I feel drained every second resulting in my sleep pattern growing from 7 hours to 12 hours; waking up feeling just as tired as when I turned the light off. My enthusiasm for anything from friends and family, to this blog, radio show and even a love life is snuffed out. Everything will fail. I will fail. People are nice to me, remind me how talented I am whether in acting, singing or editing a YouTube video, yet I question their motives and flood with doubt and anger.
At worse, I cut myself off from the world. The pressure of even seeing the notifications on my phone are too much. Just back off! My curtains stay closed and isolate in bed where I cannot hurt you anymore. The only person I am violent to is myself as I mark, score and cut just to feel an emotion. Everyday life, like cooking, cleaning and even washing myself become almost too complicated and frightening.
Depression can be debilitating. It can kill. As we've discussed in past posts, more teenagers than ever self harm.
So what is the big dragon we all have to target? How do we fight this battle?
Yep. Not that easy. Modern life is full of stress. With the recession business slowed and so people were made redundant but as we slowly emerge and business regrows or is replaced, we find managers chasing sales and profit margins, not worrying about how safe, happy or healthy their workplace is. It might be illegal to ignore the mental health and safety of your staff but we are just a Human Resource after all. 9.9 millions sick days in 2014 encouraged the HSE, Health and Safety Executive, to launch a #HelpGBWorkWell plan.
It isn't just down to employers. Some schools now teach yoga to help children learn to look after their mind, as well as their body. Techniques for helping the brain grow and relax as well as caring for our physical body can help them through exams and into a busy, stressful life.
There are plans across the UK, in pockets, to try and get people the mental health treatment they need. Although, a lack of funding and cohesion, means that there is a 2 year wait for talking therapy in some areas on the NHS.
What can you do? Right now? Share this post.
Have a read back through the past few weeks, maybe my article for The Guardian and tweet your thoughts on them. Openly talk to people over lunch. Everyone has lost a close friend or family member so we can all relate and see how grief could merge into depression; they are almost the same thing at times. Even pop along to a local event; I'm at the Beaconsfield Beer Festival this weekend (details far below!)
You can also look after you, your friends and your family by giving yourself the time to relax, recharge and process the hetic life you lead which when I start to feel low is something I practise in selfcare.
Thank you for reading this week's post and please do have a browse though the last 12 months of posts using the tags to see how depression has completely changed my life.
PLEASE scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx
Yes! That's me! Picture with thanks to Twitter/Laurenmclcreate
My mind felt on edge. I'd taken my meds and planned my route, even looking at it on Google StreetView. As I walked past 221b Baker Street (which doesn't technically exist) my mind still wanted to run away. "I could just step into the road" is a thought my brain kept popping up over my shoulder as buses past me. This is the first day of the UK's inaugural Youth Health Parliament. A keen initiative to bring together people from across the Healthcare Sector into looking at the big problems we are facing today and what policies we can find and campaign on; hopefully bringing change and saving lives.
Soon enough I was at the London Business School on the edge of Regent's Park in Central London. After a cup of tea and relying on my acting skills, I buried my anxieties and actually said "Hello". I guess you could call it networking. Talking to an assistant in a shop can make me feel flustered so I'm quite proud of myself. Everyone I met was kind, friendly and passionate - oh and equally cynical as me!
There were some incredible speeches come lectures from people in PR, through to former Government advisors and a panel of experts on the current frontiers of the NHS. By lunchtime we had found two major problems. Firstly, our population is aging. Soon we will have more 'pensioners' than ever before. It is not just a question of how to treat them all in crisis or in a preventative way but also gaining, training and maintaining an already overwhelmed workforce with limited budgets. The second issue is mental health. For reasons I covered last week and throughout my blog, we are living in a time of crisis.
I know I shouldn't be a pessimist, but I am. My mind is conditioned that sometimes life isn't even worth the challenge of trying to achieve something but hearing the views and energy of the speakers and my fellow members of Parliament, I really think we could bang on the doors of power with a reasonable, practical yet life saving change to mental health across the UK. In the comments below, I'd be interested to hear if you have come across any 'early help' aside from having to be referred by a GP and waiting up to two years for help or the crisis support. To those of you outside the sphere of mental health; Yes, it really is this bad. Imagine breaking your arm and being told the waiting list for plaster casts is two years.
Speaking to my fellow committee members reminds to once again thank my friends and family for their support and love. I sometimes take it for granted how horrible it must be to read this blog or how difficult it must be to try and understand or imagine my mind. If nothing else, I hope this blog and my work on social media help you understand what's in my head - not that I do!
Finally my Psychologist has agreed to join the campaign to try and appeal the decision not to give me PIP, which is the current disability benefit. Along with my friends and family, we are all writing to the 'Department of Work and Pensions'. Last week I ranted about how I have worked and contributed to the system yet found myself abandoned when I've asked for aid. In my meeting with my Dr he asked about my suicidal thoughts.
When we compare who I am today, to where I was around the time of my suicide attempt last June, I am very much on the road to recovery. Yet, I still have episodes where I want to die. They don't have quite the impact they used to but I've grown so accustomed I don't even think to mention them. It made me look back through my blog at how suicidal I have felt and why I keep planning for my own death. To quote that post: "Suicide is the only way I can take control. It is the only way I can decide how tall that cliff face is." For the most part, it is still true but not as intense a drive - more controllable.
Apologies to everyone who prefers my rants, a little bit diary-esq this week!, but I implore you to put your email address in the box on the top left to receive a little alert letting you know I've posted. Also, please do follow my Facebook page where I try to offer advice and a different insight which I've embedded below the usual twitter and instagram antics below. Every view, like, share and ad click makes a big difference - so thank you.
PLEASE so scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx
On paper, it seems a nice idea to have a candle or a sign - perhaps even some photographs - of loved ones who have died and so are unable to attend your wedding day. My problem is that I don't particularly love my alcoholic Mother who drank herself to death when I was 13.
