If I was counselling someone else I would of said it, so why didn't I say it?
Emotions can seriously hinder OR enhance your capacity, success and logic. I've derived this all from "you shouldn't apologise for how you feel".
You are never wrong for feeling how you do. You might feel it and then find out the cause (what you heard, or meant) was in error. You might even learn they didn't mean to say or imply what she did. Even so, it was hard for my logical mind to change my emotional heart; I feel anger, hurt untrusted and oddly guilty.
I often wonder, after observing others, am I the only one who feels such guilt? Have you felt that?
If everyone else felt such guilt about upsetting people, even when they have right to feel hurt themselves, then wars and the pettiest of arguments wouldn't never come be.
When it comes to a dispute, I still feel anger and hurt and enormous guilt so I'd much rather crawl back and grovel. Even after all this time its somehow easier sacrificing how I feel and its cause so I can end the pain and make everyone else ok. But then, I could argue that that maybe if I'm the only one feeling great guilt over it, then it is unlikely they feel the same great pain I do. Surely if they felt the same pain they would feel the same guilt over upsetting someone? - Cause and effect?
Just by reading that last paragraph you can see why we shouldn't counsel ourselves.
Right now there is someone I think a great deal of having this internal monologue. I've had it many times. Yes, taking all the blame even if it isn't your fault, is the easy option. But that option will eat away at you and slow burn you from the inside out. It will pollute how you see, feel and interact in the world. The right option is honesty. The right option is standing your ground, holding your morals and defending yourself. You are loved and deserve the real love of a good person - not the murky waters you're settling for.
For those of you who like to put everything in writing, so you can plan and think your feelings, then I recommend contacting the email team of the Samaritans.
📷 bryantmcgill: Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. —... https://t.co/ZhifdCIHsm
____________________________________________________________________
Oh my blessed relief, I crave you.
A tiny flinch and that combustion is released: a pool forms
and with a wipe, I'm briefly fine.
I'm into my second week here in France with my sister and our best friends. A couple of YouTube videos below to show just a couple of highlights but stay tuned to my instagram & twatter as we have a few days left and the long drive to London - Calais should be fun!?
Last week I wrote a confusing jumble. After a bit of mindfulness, sugary snacks and "SH" I am back to normal. We've had a great time and I've spend a good few hours living life, here in the moment, not worried or anxious about the next days or weeks.
I'm happy and I hope you are too.
As a proud member of the mental health charity,MIND, I just wanted to wave the below link. Does your company support those with mental health? Is there basic things you could improve on? Have a look and share it on.
Thank you for reading & sharing this week's short post. TTFN xx
Why can't I just enjoy being with my best friends on holiday?
Am I being self-centered and selfish?
I have been waiting for this holiday for a few weeks. The perception I have is that most people look forward to their holidays for months but I didn't. For one, I didn't know if I would be alive and two, why. I'm not saying why look forward to a holiday but more why look forward to anything.
Whatever I do, things will end. Whatever I try things will go wrong. When you put in 110% and things go right, you will be barely noticed; if you are lucky you might get a thanks or two. If it goes wrong, suddenly you are centre stage.I have to fix it. Even if it is not my problem. my limbic system kicks me into that survivalmode.exe that you might call flight or fight. For some logical and rational problems, this is actually good news. The issue is resolved methodically or I direct the person who is panicking rather than doing the obvious. But too few problems are rational, logical or even worse, controllable.
Before this holiday, the strikes in Calais and the ongoing efforts by the migrants camped there caused upheaval in my job. Aside from keeping my key customers and my colleagues updated there is nothing I can do. And this frustrates me. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry.
During this holiday, I am aware that these issues will be creating issues for my colleagues and I am sure there are other problems. I have full faith in them, most of them do things much better than me. Yet, I feel guilt for leaving them and also a sense of stress and panic that there will be a workload for me when I return. Why did I even take a holiday in the first place when I have impending doom in 10 days... 9 days... 8 days...
I upset people. I say things I shouldn't in an attempt to be funny or I try to communicate that I need a hug or to be told its OK yet I just annoy people or upset them. I let them down.Maybe I didn't do enough. At work, you are always encouraged to go that one step further - so why didn't you? You didn't do enough.
Am I being self-centered and selfish?
Even now there are problems and I wish there was something I could to fix them. If it as digging a hole or buying and building something, I'd be there at lease trying.But how do I solve a problem thats out of my remit? How can I allow myself to admit that it is out of my remit, let alone something I cannot solve becuase no one can? I can't. It scares me. I lay in my bed here in a warm muggy French valley worrying. No more than most days but yet I still worry. Alot of my worries are cared for by my closest friends whom I trust but there is always a plan B.
Today, I re-visited the site of a massacre. Oradour-sur-Glane was left in ruins with over 600 people brutally murdered in some of the most horrific and most uncessacry ways. My best friend, Mr Aidan Parr has written a fantastic blog about it and included some images to help you picture the scene.
Seeing that destroyed town preserved makes me wonder that:
A - I can't do or save everyone
and yet even if I try
B - The End will come
Everything must end. Your friendships, your life, The loves of your friends and their happiness. The youth you currently enjoy. Your surroundings.
"Just hang it up and let it go... the end will come for us."
Holidays are nice and its good to enjoy yourself but how can you stop worrying about the debt and bills and commitments and workloads of life.Do you normal people just ignore it and think its all under control for now? Because that is only for now - its still coming.
And with everything that is coming, I can't keep trying to save the day. Yet I so desperately want to.
IF I could do something to make the lives of those at the therapy session better I would. If I could do more at work or drama I would - yet I am seemingly doing less and less because I'm mentally ill and I can't do it now.
If I could fix my friends problems, I would. So why do I feel so guilty and horrible that I can't.
Perhaps that is why I want to find someone to love. Someone to care for and focus on and perhaps they would do the same for me. My friends are great but sometimes I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be equal. I don't want to be alone.
Yet, I sit here in bed choosing to be alone and wishing I was at home alone so I could cry and not put on this mask.
I have so much going for me and how ungrateful I must seem but I don't want this it anymore. I want to tag out.
Tag me?
Please.
Yet I enjoy this holiday. I wish it didnt have to end. And ending it or tagging out, would be letting you down again. Guilt overload.
I'm going to wrap up this shambles. Writing feels good but I'm not sure what I'm achieving.
Here is some quotes from my "Pysch Assesment". Maybe they some it up better than I can.
"I must say I found him friendly, engaging and far from self-centred. He was able to appreciate and take the position of others... Despite his ratings of
narcissism I think he would take care of others in a group. Indeed, the
potential risk would be his need to ‘look after’ the group...
He gets recurrent bouts of low mood with associated
suicidal ideation. These last for a few days and he will usually self-harm at
these times."
Why can't I just enjoy being with my best friends on holiday?
Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived.
Do your best to live in the NOW and make it beautiful.
Thank you for reading and sharing my blog. I'm going to try some mindfulness rather than self-harm
In school, in
work, in play and in religion we set each ourselves targets and
goals. I live rather literally day to day and week to week so my
goals are always getting through the next few days and whatever those days may
have planned. You might think that means I leave everything until the last
minute but it is actually the polar opposite. I try to be over-prepared setting
myself little goals along the way and getting the majority of the work done
early, so when the day or event does appear I pull my Action plan out the
filing and open it up.
Since my post last week I've hit quite a few of those targets and whilst it hasn't
always been easy, the end result it that I've enjoyed it. I've had a good week.
CLARIFICATION - I'm pretty good in bed. I sleep the whole night through.
Previously in this
blog I've pondered what it the meaning of it all and I think I've worked it
out. Rather than being 42, the reason for living is the journey or the
adventure of life itself. In short, the reaching the goal and its reward is not
as good as the journey to get there.
This week I made a status on Facebook.
One person described it as shaming but it is only shaming you, if you have a
guilty conscious to make you imagine it is about you. It has meant
that a friendship has ended but if I am being realistic it ended with this
person's betrayal and bitching that kept escalating over the past 8
to 12 months. When you live a few days at a time, some stupid nastiness is
easy to ignore. You are still hurt by it, it is still nasty behaviour, but you
have bigger anxiety battles to brace yourself for. At some point you decide
that you are in a good enough place to confront it or it reaches a limit - and
that was this week. Being selfish when you are too caring is tough. Sometimes, you have to be selfish and make sure you are not suffering for those who are truly selfish and do not appreciate it.
Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either. - Erich Fromm
This person will never apologise despite people
explaining their friendship sins to them. This person did things for
others in the name of friendship and charity but actually they do things only
because it offered a benefit to them. "Oh look how good I am"
Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return. - Courtney Olsen
I write this blog as I feel it is therapeutic and I enjoy it - if you enjoy it and it gets a bit more popular each week that is great - but its not why I do it. I like driving for the fun of the drive, not for getting to work. I like running the local drama club because I get to do something quite important for my community and have an epic amount of fun at the same time! - not for the glory of being a panto dame!? I do all these things because I enjoy it - if I get a round of applause or you all nominate me for an OBE (hint) that is just a bonus.
This week I write and ask that you do things
because you want to and not because of the rewards. Buy the homeless person a happy meal, not because someone might see but because you think he deserves a meal and you have £1.99 to spare. Stay behind at work not because people will notice (those in charge don't care) but because you want to help your team be ahead tomorrow.
Take a moment to think about this second.
Are you worrying about work tomorrow? Or have you got everything ready for your holiday? What about that birthday card? Or that meeting this week?
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha
What I am saying links in nicely to mindfulness. I'm not expert and it was only briefly covered in this week's therapy. The idea is to sit still and focus on a the sound around you. Focus on the sound of the clock or the cat licking away at his balls bowl. It is so hard to stop your mind wondering back to the panic and the anxiety of life but maybe if you can take some time out to rest those grey sounds you can some back to reality and face your issues with a more level-headed view; not one driven by emotions.
Still not convinced? Below, as always, are my favourite moments from the past week
where I have loved life and been 'in the moment' enjoying "the ride"
Let me know what you think about living in the moment and enjoying the ride!
Have I just become some 90's religious pastor? TWEET me and comment below"
I am on holiday to France with my best friends and little sister but there will be lots of fun on my social media! Stay tuned! xx MWAH!! xx
I
write this post after reading about a new exhibition (the violence of IS or
ISIL or whatever) at what I would call the most offensive but felt worthwhile museums
in the country.
Last Summer I visited a former local jail near Cinderford,
Gloucestershire with Louis, Falcon and her family. Littledean Jail itself looks
like a fortified house from the outside and was in a use a police station and a
prison but in 2012 the old building was refurbished (in places) and turned into
a museum of crime through time. Some of the reviews you may have read about it will
include words like graphic, offensive and shocking but I would still recommend you
(as long as you are a sensible enough adult) go and visit it in the same way I
would ask you visit a concentration camp from the Nazi holocaust or a town such
a Oradour-Sur-Glane at least once.
Each
prison cell and room of the building is filled with pictures or exhibits of
serious crimes varying from British serial killers through to KKKand Nazi uniforms. In one cell you see the
artwork of convicted murders and ponder their mental state whilst in the next
room you are confronted with items made from the flesh of those murdered in the
aforementioned concentration camps.
Local
resident Beth Taylor, from Berry Hill, said: "I don't think it's in the
best of taste. Nobody wants to see those awful [images] of what is actually
going on."
However,
another local, Linda Hornchurch, said it was "good to make people aware of
it".
Quote
from BBC’s Newsbeat
Picture with thanks to BBC / Littledean Jail
I
completely agree with the quote from Linda and would even go one step further. I
think our GCSE-aged children should visit places like Oradour-Sur-Glane or
concentration camps and should be aware of that is “actually going on”. The
point of history is not just to learn what happened or why it happened but to
make sure that humanity does not make the same mistake or allow the same
atrocities to happen twice. Part of me lives in fear that my 12 year old sister
with her generation of ipads and 300 TV channels will only learn the ‘rose
tinted’ version of history and will never appreciate the marvels they have. I
never fully appreciated the marvel of having a PC with a 3.14mb floppy disk let
alone my Game Boy Colour. Think about it? That My Little Pony or Power
Rangers figure; millions of people died in the last 100 years so you could
have that and most of them were not in the field of battle.
Yes
– what you will see at a any of these places will be shocking and somewhat
graphic but can you say it is any less graphic than a 18 rated horror film? There
is an argument that violent media such as video games and film desensitise us, especially
when we are young, to these horrors. This is why I argue a real life visit to
these places would open our eyes to true reality of the violence we (as a
society) are apparently accustomed to. Perhaps
the romance of violence would be less appealing.
Oradour-Sur-Glane
was a small town in France destroyed during the Second World War. In what is
believed to be some misguided retaliation, a Waffen-SS company came into the
town and murdered the residents. Some were shot in their houses, others lines
up in the town square and some gathered and killed with grenades in the church.
The wreck of the town still stands today in France near Bordeaux and can be visited
for free. The memory of my visit is clear in my mind. Bullet holes in walls.
Cars still parked, unmoved, exactly where the driver was murdered. On the 10th
June 1944 over 600 people, many being women and children, were murdered and yet
we as a society forget because in the bigger picture of World War atrocities, it
is an insignificant event. But, I would argue when you are stood there looking
at the graves, the relic of houses and shops, you sudden realise how significant
every life is and how significant an event such as this is to the beauty and benefits
of today.
Taken days after the event
Pictures and stories just don’t
have the same effect.
Today
I hate being scared. I hate horror but I somewhat enjoy visiting places like
this as I would enjoy visiting any museum. My rationale is, surely we owe those
who have died for today the benefit of a few hours of our time to reflect,
remember and learn as a person and as a species. Those few hours, just one time
be at any of the places I’ve mentioned but also at any museum or cultural event
would be will invested because to ignore
the history, especially the more shocking and gruesome aspects of it, is a
censorship and dishonour we should not allow.
And
to those of you who read this and say that “I’m sad enough as it is” or “I’ve
read all about that stuff before”, I simply ask you donate a few hours of your
time. When you see and then understand the context of the books you’ve read or
the films you’ve seen, you will find you leave better appreciating the 'paradise'
of what you have and how lucky we all are to have it.
You’ll
probably still hate Monday mornings though. :)
Thank
you for reading my blog ;–
What museums or site do you think are forgotten
about like Oradour-Sur-Glane? Should we ever censor history? Are we as a
species in a better place (in terms of ending violence and improving our learning) today
than we were 60 years ago? Let me know on the comments below.
Finally,
talking about somewhat unnecessary violence, I co-produced and presented almost
5 hours worth of live content on YouTube earlier this week. Off The Radar watched
Wrestlemania in a Gogglebox style and perhaps because it is ‘staged’ and the violence
was limited, I have to admit I quite enjoyed it. Over 500 people have watched so far. You can relive the comedy of
our broadcast on my YouTube channel or listen to our regular podcast covering
comedy and the forthcoming General Election at www.Facebook.com/OffTheRadarPodcast
