It's been a long time since I last posted. Life can be very busy and working the NHS can leave you feeling drained. The NHS, like many public services, has been criminally underfunded and gutted by the last few Governments. The current COVID19 crisis will hopefully highlight how vital some of the lowest paid roles are - not just in the NHS - compared to the value of some MPs and their Duck Ponds.
For the past 6 days, I've been in isolation. For the first couple of days it was a novelty but now I can't help but feel frustrated and useless. I work with a brilliant team of Consultants, Nurses and Admin staff - in my department specifically and around it. Before I left, I had been giving our service 120% and really stressing myself out with the workload of altering appointments to telephone rather than patient facing and the added triage involved. The poor NHS funding doesn't just mean there isn't enough staff - and therefore no flexibility in times of need - but our computer systems and the processes involved are not as streamlined as they could be. The technology exists for me to work from home but, now in a time of crisis, there isn't the resources to roll it out to everyone. Which means I'm sat here, reading work emails, feeling nothing but guilt and anger.
Almost our 1 Year Anniversary!
I want to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in but it's quicker for those on site to do it themselves than pass on the jigsaw pieces to me via NHS email. When the flood is rushing towards you - its often easier to just crack on and that's exactly how I was feeling a week or so ago when we started to try and get ahead of this curve.
Another source of irritation is the fact that some people seem to be able to get COVID19 (Coronavirus) testing without symptoms. There are Doctors being taken from clinics and the front line due to a cough. My wife's asthma cough, forced us away from our supportive roles. With testing, we could all be back at work if clear. However, I'm at home for another week becoming further isolated, abashed and in the end, worthless.
The situation is ever changing but this is a time of crisis. We originally thought this may go on for 3 months but I think it will cripple the NHS for much longer. The recovery back to any sort of normality (such as 18 week target times) will take years if funded properly - which you know they won't be.
Another niggle in the back of my mind is - I don't think Mrs Streuli and I have had COVID19. I honestly think it was her complicated and severe asthma with allergies. Does this mean we'll have to go through all this again?
And that's without thinking about the worries everyone has right now: where do I get fresh vegetables? Milk? When will I see my family?
Last night, I think Mrs Streuli and I both realised that our mental health had taken a battering. Again, another source of guilt and anger is that while I did alot of the prep work for this crisis - I've been sat on my arse useless because we don't have remote access.
It is the poorest who will be the strongest in this crisis. It is those people who need your love and support and those with the biggest bank balances will face the shame and retribution.
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Sometimes, just acknowledging your feelings is enough to refresh and move on to something more constructive.
Keep an eye on the website of your local hospital and check the Government's official twitter for the latest news. Things we have all taken for granted, even getting loo roll, is changing every day.
I will not end this post on a low note. I will remain optimistic. If nothing else, I have a pretty good life. Mrs Streuli and I were in San Francisco when the COVID19 virus started to appear. We have taken up streaming games and chat on YouTube. It's actually been something really nice to look forward to - a reward for getting through the day. With the Drama Club closed, for the first time in living memory, we are looking to host a 'pub quiz' through a YouTube Stream. It's free and fun and a great way to socialise from your own sofa. Friends and family of IHDC are invited and everyone is welcome - whether you are near to Iver Heath or hundreds of miles away. Thanks to the internet, we're not so isolated after all.
When you get an Uber and you are alone, do you sit in the front or the back? That is my current level of social anxiety. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to get in the car let alone survive that awkward “are you busy today?” chat.
It is amazing how far to think I have come in the past few years and the last few weeks since our wedding has been the perfect time to reflect. The months leading up to the big day can be so stressful but it is important to have friends and family around to support you. Please, reach out, you are not alone.
The vast majority of your friends and family will be flattered or over the moon that you want their help or input into your special occasion so don’t be shy to ask. I’m so glad we asked for help and I owe those nearest and dearest so much. Maybe it's asking for help setting up the favors on the table or even a special reading. It is the little personal touches, that you and your closest family bring to the day that makes it important, unique and memorable.
Does anyone else have a pork pie in their wedding photos?
Who else had a big red bus for the closest family to ride?
Who else had a flash mob after their first dance?
Just us.
It might be a little 'out there'. But that's us. We're special. Unashamed.
We had a 'Mind' theme photobooth!
Could you support a charity important to you on your big day?
Since mental health has been such a huge part of our lives, we wanted it to be part of our huge day. In fact, I've written a blog for Mind which will hopefully appear soon on their website.
While 2015 was the worst year of my life, it was the catalyst for so many good things. Getting support and diagnosis on the NHS helped me get the right path to recovery and trying to stay healthy. For me, having a diagnosis of EUPD meant I had something to learn about and focus on; it wasn't a horrific shadow or even unknown.
Mind helped me to find a voice and to take ownership of my story – rather than letting my story or my mental health own me.
With the help of Mind, I’ve told my story on BBC News and to The Guardian. They also introduced me to the Mind Media Awards where I have helped shortlist entries for 3 years.
During this time, I also became reacquainted with a friend from school, Caroline. We had drifted apart, as you naturally do after school. Caroline had a difficult time and suffered her own frightening mental health issues at university. However, those experiences helped us see past each other’s flaws and into our future. We weren’t damaged or scarred. We’d survived and were starting to thrive on the adventure of a lifetime. Within a few months, I knew I could never be without her and on New Years Eve, I asked her to marry me.
We were married on 6th April 2019 at our local church where we both grew up and we are thrilled to share some photos with you here. We used Mind wedding favors, name cards with pins, on our tables. On the back of our order of service, we asked people to make donations to Mind via the website. We also had leaflets, flags, and donations around our photo booth.
I don't know if we raised much, but it felt nice to have a positive story linked to mental health.
If you had asked me in 2015, I couldn’t see a future. Yet the right help has helped me on a path to where we are now. Mental health doesn't have to be a bad news story. Good things, like happy endings, can happen too.
Human nature seems to like maintaining the status quo however when that is the routine deaths of 100,000 people each year linked to issues with mental health care, I can’t help feeling something can and should change.
Whilst the male suicide rate was at its lowest in 2017 (since 1981 when the Office for National Statistics started) it is still the biggest killer of men from their teens to the time they should get their bus pass. In 2017, 5,821 people ended their own lives. 4,382 (75.3%) of those were male.
There are many ways to tackle this and different organisations are taking different multi-pronged approaches. In fact this week sees the Mind Media Awards which does a fantastic job of promoting sensible and careful conversation of mental health in the press or on films and TV. It also rewards those programmes, journalists and producers who undertake this difficult conversation and encourage people to talk and seek help. I was very proud to be on the shortlisting panel for the awards for a third year running and as ever found it a rewarding, enlightening and humbling experience. You can watch the event live via the Mind website.
One of the prongs to tackle this killer is the idea of self-care. In the ever hectic world where stress is the biggest cause of absence at work, helping people make healthier decisions can not just save the NHS millions or decrease your waist size but actually steer people away from the edge. The image of having a relaxing bath, or sitting still for 5 minutes of calm with candle or wax melt can at first feel quite… ladylike. But why should there be anything wrong with looking after your mind if it’s OK to look after your body?
I asked on twitter: When was the last time you did nothing? Just focused on a raindrop, sat still, silently noticing the world around and what your senses' sense?
Every vote was either 'Rarely' or 'Never'.
One of the ways I practise self-care is to sit still and practise some simplified mindfulness with a wax melt or a candle to focus on. How does it smell? Can you see the flicker of the flame or the wisps of fragrance raise from the pool? Taking 5 minutes to notice these things allows your body and mind to reset from the chaos that is your pinging emails, buzzing text messages and banging of children or telephones.
Below is a video review for Pick N Melt who reached out to me and given the nature of my blog and social media wanted my view on their products. The Mrs-to-be and I adore a Yankee Candle so went in with high hopes. It would be nice to spend some money on craft-made UK candles and wax melts?
I have been blown away by the beautiful scents available and how well the fragrance remains. I've used big brand wax melts before and ended up with 'scent-less' wax lining my bin after a few hours but the 'Seville Orange' has been going for almost 35 hours now and it still smells like we've zested our own fruits right there. It's not overpowering but it is strong and lasts really well. I'm really impressed with the value of money their monthly subscription pack provides - a perfect gift for Christmas or for you to share with your friends and promote a bit of #selfcare. #BeTheMateYoudWant.
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This is a question I've been avoiding for a while.
On paper, it seems a nice idea to have a candle or a sign - perhaps even some photographs - of loved ones who have died and so are unable to attend your wedding day. My problem is that I don't particularly love my alcoholic Mother who drank herself to death when I was 13.
WedMagazine.co.uk is one of the many sites that have heartfelt articles on remembering your deceased family members and I think the idea of honouring someone close, especially when they have helped shaped who you are today, is a lovely tribute. This particular article talks about mentioning them in the order of service, using their favourite flowers or piece of jewellery. The only proposition suitable for my dead mum is raising a glass to her but I'm not sure saying "Cheers" to so someone so dependent to booze it cost them their marriage, dignity and life is something worth writing home about.
Part of writing my blog is to help me understand and process how I feel and what I think about certain issues or situations. It is also a great opportunity to hear your honest feedback through social media and the comments below. I guess what might seem alien is that even though she finally died in 2003, I don't think I have forgiven her. In fact, I'm still quite annoyed with her. It's not the anger I felt when I was a teenager - time has mellowed this pain to that of a mild itch.
I remember sitting on the hospital bed in which my Mum died and holding her hand. I told her that despite everything that had happened, I forgave her. I didn't really forgive her and I still don't but I couldn't let her die thinking her only Son hated her. I was 13.
We've already decided that at our wedding there will be 'nods' and elements highlighting mental health; so important to the journey that the bride and I have made to reach this day. Just in case you haven't seen my mug on TV, heard my effeminate voice on radio or my trotters on the stage: my story starts as a carer for an alcoholic Mother and leads into mental health as a teen and adult suffering workplace discrimination culminating in a suicide attempt in 2015.
Given that my Mother played a key role in creating a dysfunction home of my childhood which in turn warped the cogs of my mind and altered my programming - should I be thanking her? As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I know forgiveness and learning to love again is key. However, I will never really know the what and the whys that drove my mum to find relief in her dry white wine. Continues Below...
All of this brings me back to the idea of remembering that lost loved one. They helped shape who you are today. There can be no doubt that the actions and inactions of my Mother were a huge influence in the avenues my life has travelled. Perhaps rather than raising a glass, I could raise a middle finger? Despite everything, look how far I've come and look how far I will go.
What would you do? Do you have a loved one you're not entirely sure you want to remember? Do you just ignore them and gloss over it? Or should I stop my whining and do a small tribute so I'm not being such a monster? Leave a comment below or my Facebook page.
To take big risks like going into a new full-time office job. A job with similarities to the one that nearly killed me.
I've been in my new job for just over two weeks so I'm able to look back without too much impact. It would be an understatement, however, to say it was easy. The days leading up to my new job were a holiday - even with the stresses of Summer Holiday Eurotunnel or a wheel nut disappearing on the French toll routes. The night before the new job, however, was a concern. Outside I tried to wear my old mask of 'Stiff Upper Lip' and 'Soldier on Through' but inside I actually felt scared.
A lot of my concerns are pretty normal. What will the people be like? What are the expectations? Where is it? Will they be understanding? Will they make judgments? In the hours leading up to my start, all my mind would focus on is: "why am I taking the risk?"
I was happy where I was. OK, I need more money for the wedding but... I loved working in a school. I love the caring, funny yet devastating way children can be. I have had one blip. It was two weeks in. Perhaps a shadow from my mental health diagnosis? 15 minutes from the end of the day, I'm pretty close to being on top of everything. Bam. A tonne of work hits my desk. This load behaves like an ignored parking fine: its grown from being a small fluffy annoyance into a cave-dwelling angry twit and has sharp pointy teeth. It could have been avoided. It almost ruined my night. The next day I crack on into the workload and realise that unlike the 'toxic waste dump' that I worked in during my lowest point (back in 2015), that the expectations of me and those around me were pretty reasonable. I wasn't forced by evil glare to stay late and try to solve every woe. Actually, with a good supporting team around you - even a bad day can be OK. In fact, the worst day so far was pretty good when I compare it to that company that nearly killed me.
I am very fortunate that my colleagues and superiors are nice, approachable and reasonable. I guess I should have expected that as I am now working for the NHS but as we've discussed before on this blog sometimes the biggest stigma we face is the threat and fears that our mind creates.
I'm going to show a selection of things from my radar and throwback to past posts on my blog. Comment with your favourite and with your suggestions for next month's collage
A post shared by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
I'd argue cutting police numbers and railroading the Investigatory Powers Act through Parliament is 'naughtier', Prime Minister https://t.co/614ahZRUML
In 1973, security at the BBC took 3 hours to decide whether to let in an invited interview guest for Radio 4's TODAY programme who, as a patient himself, was founding a union for mental health patients. In 1974 the US Civil Service finally backed down and removed the question "Have you ever been mentally ill?" from Government employment forms. Only a few years earlier had the fearsome US mental institutions we now picture in nightmares had started to close after a court had ruled it was unjust to make inmates patients work for free. With the economic issues in the UK, institutes were closed but this was abandoning and leaving people without the education or just simply too ill to survive or thrive in Thatcher's Britain.
A 1970s Office at the Cambridge Museum of Computing
It took 66 years from the first powered flight to humanity landing on the moon. The pace of advancement is amazing. In 1976 the Queen sent her first email. A few years later the Commodore PET appears with an amazing 8KB of memory. Here we are 40 years later and I'm typing this blog on a laptop which is smaller, lighter, half the price (ignoring inflation) with 8GB of RAM. In 40 years humanity's advancement means my computer is cheaper and has a mind boggling 1,048,576 times the memory. Our advancement also means I get several hundred more emails a week than Queenie did in 1976 with over 70% of them landing in my spam folder for their 'unique' content.
In 2015, more than half the ambulance call-outs to York university students are for self harm. Tabloids no longer shout about teenage pregnancy rates but instead that more teens are self-harming than ever before. In my last post I explained how some unfair and extremely rude behaviour nearly pulled down all my progress in my own EUPD/BPD battles.
"It’s morally repugnant to neglect mental health, but it is also economically stupid, with its cost to the economy. The fact is, we’re not smart on how we spend money. We spend a fortune, rather than preventing it at the start.” - Norman Lamb MP
Click images to view full screen
Over the past decade, the trend has become more and more pronounced; more young men are dying by than own hand than through drugs, traffic accidents or heart disease. For UK women, suicide rates dropped over the 1960s and into the 1970's and have stayed steadily low even dropping slightly lower. Suicide rates for UK men slightly dropped in the 1970s, partially credited due to cleaner engine exhausts, but steadily grew since creating the large gap between men and women. According to the World Health Organisation data, UK women have their lowest suicide rate ever whilst our men have shown little improvement compared to 40 or even 60 years ago.
More young men are dying by than own hand than through drugs, traffic accidents or heart disease.
In other news... we now have two cats! Video below!
Why is there a gap? How has the fight become so lopsided?
Or are Women just better when it comes to mental health or the stress of our modern world than men?
Are they better are confronting it, handling it and as such discussing it?
“in the medical community, you would never deny a diabetic his insulin.” - Kristen Bell, Actress who plays Princess Anna in Frozen and has Depression and Anxiety.
Join @bluesmudge and @mattstreuli on twitter
I simply have no idea. I just know we need to do more. Please use this chance to flick back through the past weeks of my blog; you can see the most viewed articles in the left-hand sidebar which feature my own battles with depression, self-harm, anxiety, workplace discrimination, speaking in the media and public and being diagnosed with a mental health illness. Would my story been drastically different if I didn't have a penis? Or is it just that society may of treated me slightly differently and I may have been more willing to seek help sooner? I read the blogs and watch the vlogs of fellow mental health advocates (such as Laura's vlog below), sometimes with some envy at how well they can express and articulate their feelings, story and situation. My GCSEs and A Levels tell me that I am a smart enough person but is there something in my male nature or my nurture that prevents me and my fellow men from achieving the same? Or do we not generate the same response from the media or public? Is this discussion sexist for suggesting that women are better at emotional regulation or discussing and resolving mental health issues than men? I don't mean to cause offense but the evidence is all repeated in stats and graphs all over my blog.
PLEASE Comment here or on my facebook page with your thoughts.
Is now the time for local "Time to Change" action groups to just simply highlight the matter and signpost the options for everyone? Including the silently suicidal men?
Just before I go, thank you to everyone who has clicked DONATE below - every penny really helps. As you may of seen from my social media, links below, I have my first professional feature-length acting role and I'm excited to share it with you. You can see more here: DOGGED
I really struggled with what to write this week. Generally I am quite happy. Everything is slowly going my way.
Fantastic friends help bring joy to life
Except it isn't. Life is full of little snags and I just don't understand why it is these morsels of injustice that infuriate me so.
For example a local road to me, used by 8000 vehicles a day is to be blocked, closed, by the neighbouring council. Why? Said neighbour has been promised funds from major infrastructure projects that need the adjacent land and the road closed. Nearby roads are jammed at rush hour but they are sure an extra 8000 cars, vans and HGVs will make little difference. Why should local people have to suffer for a greater good? Why couldn't a reasonable compromise of new relief roads etc be offered instead it has to be demanded and rioted for? Why is it unfair that those with money get what they want?
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Cats have such an easy life but they
overflow with love and empathy
Sometimes we have to accept what we have. Sometimes we have to try and make the best from a bad situation. Its hard to accept because life is unfair. However, mental health is very fair as every has it. It doesn't care how well adjusted or wealthy you might be. It never discriminates against culture, religion or creed.
Prince Harry was 12 when his mother suddenly died. I was 13 when my alcoholic mother died. Loosing a mother is a horrible impact on every child no matter the circumstance and it is completely reasonable for said child to suffer and need support and help.
Prince Harry said he had not discussed his mother's death until three years ago. "I really regret not talking about it," he said. "For the first 28 years of my life, I never talked about it."
"It is OK to suffer, but as long as you talk about it. It is not a weakness. Weakness is having a problem and not recognising it and not solving that problem."
Events in my life that before would of been a full on black patch are now a quick wobble. Part of it is how I have developed but the biggest part is asking and getting support I truly needed. Last week I made a phone call, a stressful one too, something I would of panicked about in the past. I have even stood my ground and made sensible complaints and arguments when I have felt that I am in the right, in the past I would of buckled. We have the power within to choose how we fight our battles, whether we do the right thing and work with our friends and family by asking for help or whether we let our fear and anger consume us like Captain Edison.
When you compare how far I have come in 7 months, and how far you have come, you see that some months is a uphill struggle but every step is progress - even if it feels like you've been going in circles. Every day is getting there. As Coldplay said in Up & Up: "Don't Ever Give Up".
Easier said than done. I know. I've felt it too
"If you suffer from mental health problems, there's too often not enough help to hand. " - RT Hon Theresa May PM
