Showing posts with label I'm Not Ashamed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm Not Ashamed. Show all posts

We Were Pregnant - Dad's Diary

By our maths, we were around 11 weeks pregnant although speaking to the GP it could be 9-11 weeks. The medical term is "anembryonic pregnancy". In some parts of the world its called a blighted ovum which sounds more like a parasite affecting this year's crop harvest. 


Below is a video Caroline initially wanted to record. She's been upset and hurt but is trying to be pragmatic about the whole experience. Below the video I'll share a bit more my internal monologue. You'll also find links to key resources.



I was shocked when I found out we were pregnant. We were trying but I knew that it doesn't always happen right away. Some couples try for months or years and then the babies come along like buses.

We were already making small changes to our lives and Caroline changed her diet too. We started slowly cleaning, decorating and nestling in our flat. In the early days, we felt that it was work that needed doing either way but as the weeks passed we slowly became more and more confident that this was becoming real. In fact over the past couple of weeks we started shopping for maternity wear and buying baby magazines. I started reading books on parenting especially aimed at new dads. Our tracking apps showed the acorn slowly growing from acorn to catapillar.

It was around Saturday 23rd May that Caroline has spotting. For men like me with little biological knowledge, this is wear tiny drips of blood appear either when your lady wipes herself or on her underwear. Caroline showed me some the tissues and aside from normal discharge (sorry, there isn't a better word!) there was trace samples of blood. Think a drip of red food dye in your bowl of icing.

A quick Google and text chat with midwife confirmed that it wasn't enough to be bleeding and monitoring it is the best course of action. I was worried but I needed to be a rock for Caroline and reassured myself that I'd had paper cuts produce more blood. I remember thinking that this couldn't be a miscarriage: you'd notice a catapillar and their sac falling out right? 
Over the next few days the volume of blood increases. Still tiny pipette amounts. Again, still being strong yet secretly worried, I found a local private clinic that for a far more reasonable fee than I imagined would give us a reassurance scan the next evening.

Thursday evening arrived. Caroline's anxiety was through the roof. So was mine but again I had to be strong. Being 'the strong one' is something we seem to take in turns. Life can really wear you down. 
They do an external and internal scan. To my eyes, it's the 1960's opening credits to Doctor Who. We had spoken about the worst case scenario. If I'm prepared for worst case scenario then anything else is an improvement. Right? Maybe not this time.

The sac is there but it's empty. They write a report and offer their sympathies before taking payment. As I mentioned in the video, it's not the outcome we wanted but it is the best £59 we've ever spent. Due to Covid19, I would be unable to attend any NHS scans. The thought of Caroline finding out by herself, alone, is horrific.

That night we spoke directly with my parents - knowing Caroline's parents would likely be in bed. In the space of a hour or so, Caroline went from being upset into angry into pragmatic. Eventually she became hopeful. Looking back, I was still being strong. I was in my old habits of emergency mode.

Some of info online has been rather 'it's bad luck, try again' which I feel I was woefully prepared for. I am little taken back how many couples have been 'unlucky' but felt they couldn't or shouldn't share their story.

We woke up positive on Friday 29th May. I'd done some research the previous night before bed while Caroline woke up early. We both agreed that many couples go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies and that maybe this time wasn't meant to be. It was the test run the body needs to get ready. By lunchtime, the spotting was increased and the occasional clot appeared. By early afternoon Caroline was on the Early Pregnancy Ward of Wexham Park due to the pain. She described the cramping as in waves and the level of pain being slightly more than her normal periods. I knew she was in pain and I could see it was worse than she was letting on. The lovely staff reassured her that the pain and cramping is OK. She is signed off work but will take it easy while her body resets. The current plan is to allow her body to expell the sac like some horrible mega period. 
Total respect for women. I couldn't do this so easily.

It was Friday night when it hit me. I felt really low and sad. I think it was the first time I had actually sat still long enough for the words I'd been saying to become reality in my head. No baby. Not now anyway.

As the video was shared online - and please feel free to share my post too - friends and family reached out to us either in public or private. I still can't believe how many couples just go through similar events and feel they couldn't or shouldn't share it. I feel angry they had to be silent. It sad that their catapillar is negative quiet memory.

Even though our catapillers didn't become butterflies they were still part of our lives.

Caroline is in a fair amount of pain but has some time off to reset - body and mind. She can also have alcohol for the first time in a few months!
I'm OK. Now I'm able to sit down at home and think, I'm not as pragmatic as Caroline is right now. But there is a next time. 
It's good to openly talk and raise awareness.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/expert-answers/blighted-ovum/faq-20057783

Thank you for your love and support.
My Story/MattStreuli.uk 
Twitter/@mattstreuli
Istagram/MatthewStreuli
YouTube/MattStreuli 

Thank you to the staff at the private clinic, Caroline's GP and our colleagues at Wexham Park Hospital.



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Remembering Family at Weddings: I Don't Really Want To...

This is a question I've been avoiding for a while.
On paper, it seems a nice idea to have a candle or a sign - perhaps even some photographs - of loved ones who have died and so are unable to attend your wedding day. My problem is that I don't particularly love my alcoholic Mother who drank herself to death when I was 13.


WedMagazine.co.uk is one of the many sites that have heartfelt articles on remembering your deceased family members and I think the idea of honouring someone close, especially when they have helped shaped who you are today, is a lovely tribute.  This particular article talks about mentioning them in the order of service, using their favourite flowers or piece of jewellery. The only proposition suitable for my dead mum is raising a glass to her but I'm not sure saying "Cheers" to so someone so dependent to booze it cost them their marriage, dignity and life is something worth writing home about. 



Part of writing my blog is to help me understand and process how I feel and what I think about certain issues or situations. It is also a great opportunity to hear your honest feedback through social media and the comments below. I guess what might seem alien is that even though she finally died in 2003, I don't think I have forgiven her. In fact, I'm still quite annoyed with her. It's not the anger I felt when I was a teenager - time has mellowed this pain to that of a mild itch.



I remember sitting on the hospital bed in which my Mum died and holding her hand.  I told her that despite everything that had happened, I forgave her. I didn't really forgive her and I still don't but I couldn't let her die thinking her only Son hated her. I was 13.

I was on BBC's Victoria Derbyshire - Click for more

We've already decided that at our wedding there will be 'nods' and elements highlighting mental health; so important to the journey that the bride and I have made to reach this day. Just in case you haven't seen my mug on TV, heard my effeminate voice on radio or my trotters on the stage: my story starts as a carer for an alcoholic Mother and leads into mental health as a teen and adult suffering workplace discrimination culminating in a suicide attempt in 2015.

Given that my Mother played a key role in creating a dysfunction home of my childhood which in turn warped the cogs of my mind and altered my programming - should I be thanking her? As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I know forgiveness and learning to love again is key. However, I will never really know the what and the whys that drove my mum to find relief in her dry white wine.       Continues Below...



 All of this brings me back to the idea of remembering that lost loved one. They helped shape who you are today. There can be no doubt that the actions and inactions of my Mother were a huge influence in the avenues my life has travelled. Perhaps rather than raising a glass, I could raise a middle finger? Despite everything, look how far I've come and look how far I will go.

What would you do?  Do you have a loved one you're not entirely sure you want to remember? Do you just ignore them and gloss over it? Or should I stop my whining and do a small tribute so I'm not being such a monster? Leave a comment below or my Facebook page.

After everything, she is my Mother. 





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It is OK to suffer... as long as you talk about it

I really struggled with what to write this week. Generally I am quite happy. Everything is slowly going my way.
Fantastic friends help bring joy to life

 Except it isn't. Life is full of little snags and I just don't understand why it is these morsels of injustice that infuriate me so.

For example a local road to me, used by 8000 vehicles a day is to be blocked, closed, by the neighbouring council. Why? Said neighbour has been promised funds from major infrastructure projects that need the adjacent land and the road closed. Nearby roads are jammed at rush hour but they are sure an extra 8000 cars, vans and HGVs will make little difference. Why should local people have to suffer for a greater good? Why couldn't a reasonable compromise of new relief roads etc be offered instead it has to be demanded and rioted for? Why is it unfair that those with money get what they want?
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Cats have such an easy life but they
 overflow with love and empathy
Sometimes we have to accept what we have. Sometimes we have to try and make the best from a bad situation. Its hard to accept because life is unfair. However, mental health is very fair as every has it. It doesn't care how well adjusted or wealthy you might be. It never discriminates against culture, religion or creed.

Prince Harry was 12 when his mother suddenly died. I was 13 when my alcoholic mother died. Loosing a mother is a horrible impact on every child no matter the circumstance and it is completely reasonable for said child to suffer and need support and help.

Prince Harry said he had not discussed his mother's death until three years ago. "I really regret not talking about it," he said. "For the first 28 years of my life, I never talked about it."


 "It is OK to suffer, but as long as you talk about it. It is not a weakness. Weakness is having a problem and not recognising it and not solving that problem."

And Talking is part of that fight. The fight against stigma, the fight for free and equal mental health. "Everyone can suffer from mental health issues, whether you're a member of the royal family, whether you're a soldier, whether you're a sports star,"
Star Trek tickets 4 and 5! w/ @Blue_Smudge
Events in my life that before would of been a full on black patch are now a quick wobble. Part of it is how I have developed but the biggest part is asking and getting support I truly needed. Last week I made a phone call, a stressful one too, something I would of panicked about in the past. I have even stood my ground and made sensible complaints and arguments when I have felt that I am in the right, in the past I would of buckled. We have the power within to choose how we fight our battles, whether we do the right thing and work with our friends and family by asking for help or whether we let our fear and anger consume us like Captain Edison.

When you compare how far I have come in 7 months, and how far you have come, you see that some months is a uphill struggle but every step is progress - even if it feels like you've been going in circles. Every day is getting there. As Coldplay said in Up & Up: "Don't Ever Give Up".

Easier said than done. I know. I've felt it too
 "If you suffer from mental health problems, there's too often not enough help to hand. "             - RT Hon Theresa May PM



A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on






http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/147789651437/hplyrikz-clear-your-mind-here
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Theresa May in The Crisis From Our Minds

It may sound like a "B" list movie from the 1950's but Mrs May is our next Prime Minister and whilst every other blog is pondering how she will face Brexit or the Tax dodging of whichever evil corporation we despise this season, I'm curious how she will face the mental health crisis.

In essence, do we have reason to hope things can get better?

Her work history is actually quite impressive. She has served in several Cabinets (the main operating committee of the Government) and Shadow Cabinets (the main opposition's version). At one point she was Chair of the Conservative Party and described as a one-nation liberal conservative. Aside from her work as Minister for Women and Equality and is now the longest serving Home Secretary in UK history. To compare our Government to a real-world business, this means she has been a senior executive who actually does the work the CEO boasts about at your annual conference. If I'm starting to sound rather Pro-May its because I'm slowly convincing myself with all the more research I do.
Anne Perkins of The Guardian observed that "she'll be nobody's stooge"
However, actions can speak louder than words and some actions do not reflect well, especially in hindsight.
Perhaps like me, you had forgotten the pet cat? I'm not referring to Larry the Chief Mouser at Downing Street but instead the cat which belonged to a man facing deportation. It brought to attention the quote in the adjacent picture that in summary, this gentlemen was not deported because he owned a cat. This later turned out to be a whisker or two from the truth. Said man was in a real long-term relationship here in the UK and the cat was just one piece of evidence in said tribunal.

Mrs May, through her husband, has links with security firm G4S which also gained some large sub-contracts from HM Government and Police forces during her time as Home Secretary. At one point the Police Federation described her as a 'Bully' with the curious 'unnamed sources' saying she was selling our Police to Serco; however this was after she demanded they make reforms in the wake of scandals such as Stephen Lawrence and cut the extreme high pay for the 'union' leaders out of the tax pocket.

Just a week ago the National Audit Office published a pretty bad report regarding a 'detention centre' called Yarl's Wood. The report criticised  Theresa May’s Home Office and NHS England who gave to Serco and G4S contracts to run Yarl’s Wood’s residential and health services which ‘did not initially meet the needs of the vulnerable population detained there’

AND THERE IS MORE! However, we all have bad stains in our past. I'm assuming you've read some past posts of my blog so you've seen my trials and tribulations to no end! Perhaps I should focus on how far we have come? A survey by Office for National Statistics in 2007 showed that 22% of people surveyed thought that the mentally ill were “a burden on society”. Shocking but in 9 years alot has changed and some of the seeds seem to be from Mrs May.

In 2012, our Prime Minister was the Home Secretary and she widened the laws on Domestic Violence. Previously it had felt rather cold and logical basing justice on physical damage but now "mental torment" is taken into account. Controlling and Bullying may not be physical but is rightly seen to cause harm now in the eyes of the court.
Read my latest Huffington Post article!

In the last few days, Theresa May has promised to put real workers on the boards of big business to ensure they start working for employees and not just shareholders. Given my personal, harrowing experience with workplace discrimination, this comes to me with a massive glimmer of hope.

Over the past year £15 million has been allocated to provide medical care for those in mental health need who previously would of been held in a Police cell. Promising this action in 2014, Theresa said "Most members of the public won’t think of the police in relation to people with mental health needs ... Unless you have done something wrong, or been a victim of crime, you won’t expect to come across a police officer. So imagine what it is like for the thousands of people with mental health problems, learning disabilities or other vulnerabilities who regularly encounter the police" I find it slightly scary to say but true to her word, change is slowly happening. In February this year Mrs May banned Police cells being used as a 'place of safety' for all Under 18s. In 2013 a report found that mental health took up 20% of the Police's time and it actually looks like Mrs May is getting the Police back to fighting crime and us, the patients, into some healthcare situation instead of a cell. Along with Karen Bradly (Minister for Preventing Abuse, Exploitation and Crime) and  Alistair Burt (Minister for Mental Health) the use of Police cells for holding mental health patients is down 50%.between 2011 and 2015.
Too often and for far too long, vulnerable people experiencing a mental health crisis who have committed no crime have found themselves in a police cell because there is nowhere else to go. - Karen Brady MP
This isn't an easy battle to win.

 As a recent survey from the Youth Health Parliament shows, patients are desperate for earlier intervention with more face-to-face help, there is a still an uphill struggle. My own personal struggle reflects the bigger mental health crisis but I think Theresa May has the tools and the willpower to bring real positive change to the face of mental health and the male suicide crisis. I think we have reason to be optimistic...

If you suffer from mental health problems, there's too often not enough help to hand.              - Theresa May MP
Mrs May....
Some children wait 32 weeks for mental health treatment whilst suicide is the biggest killer of men. You might only have a few years but I think this is our best chance to save our lives. It's Time to Change and you can help us do it.

As always thank you for reading and sharing my blog - and even browsing my past posts on my own first hand experience with mental health. Every view and share really helps fight the stigma and spread understanding. xx Below is some of my social media highlights - please enjoy and share :)
Thanks again! Matt xx








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Stressing about Stress or just Pessimistic Stress.

Did you spot @blue_smudge or the meerkat first?
The holidays are over and it is back to the world of work - albeit a simpler version for me. On one hand, media work is my main career but it is not always a reliable one in terms of income. Lollipopping has been my main income and the end of half term brings me back down to earth with a bump.

Life is full of stress but there are many different kinds. For example, did you know an average officer worker is more stressed on a busy commute than a stunt pilot? There are different kinds of stress and while no one can deny a stunt pilot is under pressure, he experiences the stress as a positive adrenalin rush. Where as Mr MiddleManagment's heart is exploding as the traffic again slows to a crawl on the M25.

Some stress is good. It motivates you. The stress of directing the show I mentioned last week (and the press cutting below) can be frustrating and feel like quite a burden but the reward is seeing a magnificent show come together with some really good talent given the chance to shine brightly whilst learning and growing from it. Our final dress rehearsal was not the panicking disaster my pessimistic mind tried to frighten me with. Everything slotting into place left me with a beaming smile. I know they can do it but I needed more faith in myself.

"Always remember to fight for your happiness. #FFYH #SickNotWeak "
Sometimes I push myself. Angrily too. I can do more. As a new friend said to me this week "you cannot let those A Levels and that mind go to waste!"  As I've touched on in past posts here, I am anxious and worried about any real return to the world of employment.

Why risk my health? I guess I have to, so I can pay my way in life. I've gently pushed myself and been happily impressed to where I reach. My girlfriend is moving in with me and slowly, she's helping me attack the flat I call home. Every few days we focus our efforts on something new; for example our hallway neat and cleaner than I think I have ever seen and the kitchen is close behind too. You get used to being alone. Self-isolation becomes a norm.
Having a mental health condition can also impact on how you feel others see you, and even how you see yourself. 
It feels like I'm still on holiday at times to spend so much time with her. I love her, dearly, and I'm really glad she's here. My Dad has told me he's seen a dramatic change.
Flexitime, a quieter desk, longer lunch. What can an employer do to help you at work?

That said I still don't have the faith I need in myself. Yes - I have done some fantastic things and carried some big burdens in my professional and volunteer work. Yet still that pessimistic voice argues it is never going to work again and it self stresses itself. My reliance on my anxiety medication to subside it hasn't lightened - in fact it really helped me at the first group family meal with my partner's parents and sisters. Perhaps a sign of the EUPD, it made me overwork and panic that everyone would hate me and what a fat failure I am. However, by the end of the night I think it went a bit better than OK.

Perhaps my pessimistic stress could let me be proud that I have not self harmed for a couple of weeks now, rather than anxiously worrying I will cut again.
Follow me on Twitter! @MattStreuli

Soon I should start voluntary work in the local school. It could lead to a career using that mind, qualifications and skills with youngsters who are so fantastic you can't help but smile and encourage them. On Saturday, I played Chauffeur to my girlfriend as we visited a University she is looking to study at (as a mature student) to qualify as a teacher. The whole ethos and style was really sold to me but wouldn't I just break? Even in the past few days, I felt OK yet depression has 'pinned me down'. Having my partner there to hold and support me made a real difference.


It is each day at a time. Enjoying and getting the most out of life. Rebuilding it after the suicide attempt around a year ago and the discrimination I suffered in my last career. Not all employers are backward. 2016 could be the year I move forward. Slowly though... Trying to repair the damage of my alcoholic dead mother or the flashbacks is not quick.





 
http://learner-stories.futurelearn.com/post/145199706658/i-signed-up-to-gain-a-better-understanding-of
 


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Amygdala - Your Brain's Red Alert Sensor (plus a British Beach Holiday)

Only two weeks ago, I discussed how I saw my alcoholic Mum, despite the fact she died some thirteen years ago.

That post is still steadily growing in views. I thought it would be a good place to start this week by analysing that flashback which I did with my psychologist.
My Skoda/VW/Garmin Sat Nav crashed like my mind did!


The amygdala is a small nut shaped blob at the bottom of your brain. It is essentially the caveman part of your brain. On a side note... should that be caveperson not the gender-specific caveman?

Anyway, this blob is found throughout the animal kingdom in creatures that have the almost instinctive fight or flight reactions. The amygdala is your inner caveman sensing predators and making your legs run away before 'you' know it! Analogy time... Imagine it is the computer you bought in 1999 - it even had a floppy disk drive! The issue with our modern mind and our 21st century life and stressors is that we are trying to run Windows 10 on that 17 year old computer or even running a 'state of the art' Sat Nav and Car Interface on Windows XP! The two struggle to run together.
Post continues below tweet/video:     

You spot something out of the corner of your eye. Your amygdala fires chemicals into your body putting you at alert status. The bigger the threat, the more chemicals it fires and the higher you go into Red Alert. Your rational mind turns your head and focuses on the item, comparing it to your in build wikipedia of experience and knowledge before logically deciding a response.

However, if your amygdala is already at Red Alert, your rational mind doesn't get a chance to anaylse the situation. You are hit by such a wave of stress, adrenalin and anxiety, you run. This would of been a handy instinctive-response if prehistoric you bumped into a sabre-toothed tiger. Every millisecond waiting for the rational mind to anaylse and process is a millisecond you need to run away from that deadly creature. My issue, and an issue alot of us face, is that our amygdala is putting us into the 'Red Alert' or 'Run Away' setting for situations that do not need it - such as the situation I encountered with my girlfriend in that aforementioned post (linked here for you to catch up on :) ). Rather than analytically seeing my drunk friend, my amygdala saw a threat which triggered the memory of dead alcoholic Mother. This quick recall function would be dead handy if you saw a big beast and your brain needed to quickly decide whether it is time to run from Mr Tiger or fight Mr Toad but when it is reloading and rebooting the anger and fear of my Mother and the awful situations I faced with her; it is less than helpful to say the least.
Selfcare at the beach
with @blue_smudge

I'm paraphrasing quite a bit here so I am sure some of you will argue with the details but in essence I suffered a PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) type flashback. At some point, some detail of the event, or similar enough, happened with my Mother which is why my amygdala felt it relevant to re-experience the situation or parts thereof. It was a horrible experience, something which in 'the cold light of day' doesn't stand up to my logical mind's scrutiny but then emotions and the drivers of them, such as anxiety, rarely do.

In treating PTSD, Psychologists look to identify and gradually expose the patient to the stimuli involved in an attempt to reprogramme the amygdala not to have such a high alert response OR at least to try and process and analyse the scenario through therapy. It is interesting that I have only ever seen two people 'turn' into my mother. One as a teenager, which lead me to panic and get help and this occasion just two weeks ago. Trying to analyse the 'stimuli' or circumstances of each times doesn't quite work as the only matching criteria is a very drunk female yet I have been around very drunk Ladies before from family to best friends to customers and not suffered a response anywhere near that level.

That pink blob bought my Mum
and all my fears and anger back to life.
Am I doing the right thing trying to process and correct what seems to be 'programming' errors in my system, seemingly my amygdala, or is it better to admit I will never function quite right and just try to live with life?

Psychology and Philosophy! Lucky you!

Anyway, I am going to wrap up here except to mention the fantastic holiday I just returned from with my amazing girlfriend. We were even recognised in a local pub this week! #localcelebs! :P As discussed in last week's post, please do come say Hi - never be shy!

The drama club Summer Show opens in just a week and ticket sales still need a boost. I'm out of ideas but I know I have given my show my best, as director, and the second play is also really good. It is just down to the casts to sell it better. Our webmaster Rob has just relaunched the club's website, www.ihdc.co.uk, which looks amazing so please have a browse and tweet either of us if you spot a hole.
@ Wookey Hole Caves, Somerset
 See more below on my Social Media

As the norm, below is some social media highlights. I'd love to hear your feedback on on my blog but also the video - is a buddy box worth it? Does it make friends or family feel they are helping or understanding or does it help you share the burden of your mental health?

As always - Every view, share, advert click, Facebook like, twitter or tumblr follow and Instagram heart not only supports me and my work, but helps fight stigma. Everyone has mental health but you can make a real difference in how we win the fight on looking after our minds.
Thank you once again for your support and reading my blog.












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It's Good now... Surely I will falter again?


Sometimes this blog quietly ticks over. Other times, it goes slightly viral. Last week I discussed how I saw my alcoholic Mum, despite the fact she died some thirteen years ago. Within days, partly thanks to Mental Health Awareness Week, it became my 4th most popular post of all times. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for reading and sharing my blog and website - not only does it help fight stigma and raise awareness but every click helps my ad revenue. It might only be a few pence but it really does make a difference when you have so little income and no support from the benefit system.

Carrying on from last week, it took a few days for me to return to any sort of normality. I've been slightly low for almost a week but think I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. That normal is also about to change. I know it was only three-ish weeks ago that 'Blue Smudge' and I started dating but its just falling into place and clicked so well. So, I've asked her to move in. Having her around makes me feel like I share the burden of my life - she's so good at keeping track of me and organising things. Before my life fell apart last year (discrimination at work, stress and a suicide attempt) I had been lucky and organised enough to buy and run my own flat which I've really struggled by myself.

In other news, my Z-list minor celebrity fame is on the rise and in a good way too. I've had a few locals contact me or speak to me in person in regards to mental health in education and in the workplace. School Counsellors have been a 'norm' in the US for at least a decade but are only starting to appear here. I went to Chalfonts Community College where, through hard work and help from charity counsellors, I gained 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels. I am ecstatic to hear my old secondary school now has a counsellor however, 1 counsellor for 1800 students is like climbing up a waterfall. It is the right direction and I truly think that a key part of preventing the crisis we are suffering from growing any further is education and early intervention and support in education.  Given the chaos and stress of modern education is it any wonder when our poor students fall apart at exam time? Perhaps with better education more students would thrive into university than collapse. I would love to go into more schools and speak not just with students but also with teachers and staff about looking after the mind, in just the same way we have all been focused on taking better care of our bodies.

It is also worth saying that whether I am in #LollipopMan mode, or mental health blogger or just being Chairman of the drama club; I am always willing to openly and honestly talk about mental health and male suicide including my own experience - so never worry about talking to me. Come say Hi :)

Notice the segway there? Every Wednesday I have been directing the Youth play. My cast have been working really hard and seem to relish in fun and limelight having their own show gives them. The ideas and laughter have been great fun. I must also say a big thanks to Terry, Vikki with Conor, Josh and Les who have worked so hard with my amazing lighting, sound and scenery. Luda has been brilliant with the costumes, something I'm not good with! I've also had good support from Kiera, Carol and my pretty Girlfriend. The play is one of two being performed at my summer show - one by the Youth and one by the Adults. Both are really funny and have had a lot of work put into them. From my mental health perspective, sometimes drama is big cause of stress. Cast missing throws me and my plans into the air. However, it is always worth the fight as these youngsters deserve the benefits of drama and indoctrination into the big community spirit. Most of all though, they make me laugh my freaking buttocks off! The show is in less than two weeks and you can buy tickets now at www.ihdc.co.uk or direct from www.ticketsource.co.uk/IHDC
Follow the fun on Instagram @matthewstreuli

"A soulmate is someone who appreciates your level of weird"  - Bill Murray 
Before I wrap up and leave you with my media highlights (they are always at the bottom of my posts so please do have a browse!) I just wanted to explore how I feel about trying to return to work. It is something that has come up a few times with my parents and friends trying to encourage me back into a full time job and career. Perhaps I am being a slob but I really don't want to. I've touched upon this in past posts but I'm convinced I will fail. The moment a stressful day comes along I will break. I am broken. At the moment, if I am failing and falling I can just isolate like I did last week (see my last post) with minimal consequences or letting anyone down. In the world of mental health, people are a lot more understanding and forgiving of such failures. I know what you are thinking, failures is a strong word, but it is exactly how I feel. I wonder if I have typed this hundreds of times but, if I was hearing anyone else say that I would tell them they are not a failure and the daily fight against the black dog is a massive achievement. Why does mental health illnesses prevent us from seeing ourselves the same way? Given the chaos and demands of our modern world, is it any wonder when our minds fall apart from the shouting, stress and strain?

Everything is good now but...  Surely I will falter again?

As always, thank you for reading and sharing. Every share and ad click, subscribe and follow, means so much to me. Thank you. xx








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BPD to EUPD with face paint and a Go-Pro

UPDATE: See breaking news from local paper: http://m.bucksfreepress.co.uk/


Sometimes, like last week when I spoke on Depression Awareness week, I end up on a passionate rant or essay about the crisis we face with mental health and the services currently struggling to cope. Other times this blog is quite theraputic of how I feel or can feel like just a diary of someone with a mental illness.

Credit to Rethink Mental Illness: BPD/EUPD Factsheet
Last week my Psychologist gave me a letter detailing a medical report he had completed for an insurance claim I have. In it my diagnosis has morphed from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and I don't like it. Last year I wrote here about how I struggled to accept the BPD label, feeling it was my soul and essence, my personality, that causes all the problems rather than the way I process thoughts, emotions and situations. It took a long time to digest and accept.

In England, EUPD and BPD are almost interchangeable. To me, they sound like they mean two different things. Borderline Personality Disorder, at first glance, to my mind means your mind doesn't quite process things properly; it isn't quite normal but its on the borderline. Whereas Emotionally Unstable creates a first thought image of someone being happy one minute, sad the next and jealous the other. My imagination creates a robot with a malfunction Emotions Chip. However, my calm logically thinking is reminding me that either case it is just a name and does not define my future just helps to explain my situation.

Talking with people is a key part of my work with Time To Change, a campaign run by charities MIND and Rethink Mental Illness with the support of Comic Relief and the Department of Health. Over the weekend, I was at the Beaconsfield Beer Festival and whilst it took some time to psych myself up and use mindfulness and my medication to keep anxiety at bay, I had a really good time chatting with the public and my fellow Champions; Alice, Claire and Angela. One man, who looked very young for his advancing years, told me how he first encountered mental health. Whilst working abroad long term he developed very painful back spasms. After scans and examinations the American Doctor told him there was nothing physically wrong and so the problem was 'in his head'. Perhaps a not-so politically correct way of saying it but his stress and mental health were adversely affecting his physically health. Over the course of the day we spoke with around 50 people in total and large proportion were male. Almost everyone knew someone close or had a mental illness but not as many as I hoped had heard of Time to Change - or of course read my blog!

After the outing to the Beer festival I joined the team back at Drama HQ to see how they were getting on with our loft storage clean out. The work they had done was amazing and I felt quite guilty for not being there all day but I guess a virtue of my rank is that I can occasionally delegate! :P You can find out more about my work for the drama club on the news page of www.ihdc.co.uk which I also author.

In the past few days, I received a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions who acknowledged the many letters sent to them but, yet again, despite my health issues I do not qualify for support. I must of forgotten that is was the disabled who caused the financial crash and thusly it is fair we suffer for it. #Sarcasm

Somethings have changed from last week. I've tried Irn Bru for the first time and actually really liked it. It's ruby red to me for all those synesthesia fans.
Somethings however do not change and for me it is that sense of frustration. Talking to my Psychologist makes it seem like anger. Whilst anger is a good word, there is no violence towards it.

My current 'bug bear' is to do with my work as a 'lollipop man'. It frustrates and antagonises me to see people drive like idiots or break minor laws and get away with it. Part of my fear is the idea that if they do not get 'caught' or 'punished' then they will continue the dangerous and illegal behavior which then probably encourages others to follow suit. This is why I do make  reports for vehicles failing to stop for me as a I enter or leave the road. If you are are wondering what a lollipop man is or what the signals all mean, I do have a special page with more info here. On one hand, the frustration is too much; it is out of my control and I should let it go. On the other hand, the behaviour of some drivers is putting lives, including mine at risk. Below is a video take this week by my small 'action camera' attached to the shaft of my Lollipop sign. In short, a taxi stops allowing a school teacher to get halfway across the road. Then, while I am still in the middle of the road, they proceed to drive off at some speed. The video is below with a link to highlights from one patrol I did the week before. If the drivers actually got fined for failing to stop and driving whilst on their phones, that could actually pay not only for me to sort and edit the 'Lollipop Cam' footage but also fill in a few pot holes whilst making our roads the safer. It really frustrates me that people get away with it.

If that frustration is one side of EUPD, then how about crying at Penny proposing to Leonard and they actually got engaged on Big Bang Theory!? Yeah... I cried. #Soppy

Still... Life Goes On...

Video link : https://youtu.be/Aobi0gPqHYM

Thank your for reading and sharing my blog. Remember to tune into my radio show every Thursday night (info on my Twitter!) and like and share the media things below... byeee!




Join me at Katrina's and Mark's OPEN MIC NIGHT at The Three Steps, Cowley every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 8pm!




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How can we win the war? #DepressionAwarenessWeek

Since my suicide attempt less than a year ago and my continuing story on this blog, I've quoted statistics and recounted tales imagining the world to be shocked and suddenly wake up. Perhaps trigger a moment of sudden realisation that we are living in a true crisis. After a flurry of tweets, my blog and its archive see a spike before falling silent. I'm frustrated and the world just keeps on, keeping on.

This week is Depression Awareness Week yet male viewers of the popular ITV morning show Lorraine are being encouraged to check their testicles through a 'Check Your Chaps' initiative. A worth cause and something all men should do but given that suicide kills more men then any and all cancers, perhaps we should all start to fight that war.

People have been sharing their feelings and views on depression on social media, using the hashtags #WhatYouDontSee and #DAW2016.  Now seems like a good time to collate where I stand.

Depression is actually much more complex, nuanced and dark than unhappiness – more like an implosion of self. In a serious state of depression, you become a sort of half-living ghost. - Tim Lott, The Guardian
In 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder although this has changed to Borderline Personality Disorder over time.
With thanks to SANE and 23weeksocks

 In previous posts here I've tried to describe the rather up and down, almost cycle or sine wave type, ride my emotions go through. Most of last week, I was pretty hyper. I was a buzz! I started my new job as a Lollipop Man (click link here for more) which doesn't quite pay all my bills but with my media work should keep me safe. Despite a huge downpour on Friday, its been sunny and all the parents and youngsters are lovely. I even went to see two TV shows being filmed at Pinewood Studios - which was brilliant free fun! - and even sang a few songs with my best friends at a local 'Open Mic' night. Yet, I still had depression. Yes; just because I am happy doesn't mean it has gone. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication which, with talking therapy alongside, helps me function in a some-what normal way.

A diabetic person who takes their medication, still has diabetes; even if like me they function pretty normally at least some of the time.

If a diabetic person stopped their meds, their condition would get worse. The exact same applies to mental health and, in turn, depression.

Continues below:



Read more on my work with YHP
on last week's post - click here
I don't show the outward signs of depression all the time because of my condition but what is depression actually like?

I start to become grumpy. Snappy too. Before I had ideas and excitement, now pessimism is so powerful I cannot push myself to think anything is achievable. Living from one day to the next in almost a daze can lead to confusion and overwhelming feel that I'm too busy or under pressure even with a empty diary (not that happens anymore!). Occasionally we all like a lie in, but I feel drained every second resulting in my sleep pattern growing from 7 hours to 12 hours; waking up feeling just as tired as when I turned the light off. My enthusiasm for anything from friends and family, to this blog, radio show and even a love life is snuffed out. Everything will fail. I will fail. People are nice to me, remind me how talented I am whether in acting, singing or editing a YouTube video, yet I question their motives and flood with doubt and anger.

At worse, I cut myself off from the world. The pressure of even seeing the notifications on my phone are too much. Just back off! My curtains stay closed and isolate in bed where I cannot hurt you anymore. The only person I am violent to is myself as I mark, score and cut just to feel an emotion. Everyday life, like cooking, cleaning and even washing myself become almost too complicated and frightening.

Depression can be debilitating. It can kill. As we've discussed in past posts, more teenagers than ever self harm.

Research by the charity INQUEST showed that at least 9 'youngsters' had died in NHS mental health inpatient care in England since 2010 but the true figure is not known. Health Minister Alistair Blurt said he didn’t “know the number accurately”.- Last week's post on my blog - click here to read
So what is the big dragon we all have to target? How do we fight this battle?

Yep. Not that easy. Modern life is full of stress. With the recession business slowed and so people were made redundant but as we slowly emerge and business regrows or is replaced, we find managers chasing sales and profit margins, not worrying about how safe, happy or healthy their workplace is. It might be illegal to ignore the mental health and safety of your staff but we are just a Human Resource after all. 9.9 millions sick days in 2014 encouraged the HSE, Health and Safety Executive, to launch a #HelpGBWorkWell plan.

It isn't just down to employers. Some schools now teach yoga to help children learn to look after their mind, as well as their body. Techniques for helping the brain grow and relax as well as caring for our physical body can help them through exams and into a busy, stressful life.

There are plans across the UK, in pockets, to try and get people the mental health treatment they need. Although, a lack of funding and cohesion, means that there is a 2 year wait for talking therapy in some areas on the NHS.

What can you do? Right now? Share this post.

 Have a read back through the past few weeks, maybe my article for The Guardian and tweet your thoughts on them. Openly talk to people over lunch. Everyone has lost a close friend or family member so we can all relate and see how grief could merge into depression; they are almost the same thing at times. Even pop along to a local event; I'm at the Beaconsfield Beer Festival this weekend (details far below!)
You can also look after you, your friends and your family by giving yourself the time to relax, recharge and process the hetic life you lead which when I start to feel low is something I practise in selfcare.

I've written about boxes before which encourage selfcare (click here) and help distract you from those selfharm, suicidal or even just depressive throughts you can find yourself stuck spiralling in. Look how popular 'art therapy' books are! That is evidence that even if you are 'mentally well', selfcare can be key to helping you relax and process the stress of 21st Century life. Even just a bath bomb (see videos below!) can help.

Thank you for reading this week's post and please do have a browse though the last 12 months of posts using the tags to see how depression has completely changed my life.


PLEASE scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx
https://www.facebook.com/beckybeerfest/




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