What is the point of it all?

 xx click for full screen xx

Last week I told you how excited I was to be finding positives in my current negative and anxious situation. This week I should be excited as again I'm on the Huffington Post, my radio show is getting good ratings but most of all it is my 26th birthday on Saturday or Hallowe'en. So please tell me why I feel unconvinced about it all?

Why do we all put so much effort in? Whatever problem you are facing or task you are battling, once it is over there will always be something else.I found a poem which I put at the very bottom of this week's post I'd like you to read.

That said, I do understand the completing a task or challenge can be fun and rewarding. I really enjoy making my radio show and writing here and on HuffPost. I find it quite therapeutic and gives me something positive to focus on. Pantomime is coming along well and actually ticket sales are quite good so I am proud about that. On the whole I guess I am looking forward to my birthday; a group of freinds and family gathering to eat sweets, punch local trick or treaters and set off some fireworks. I'm currently debating whether I need The Reckoning Barrage from Tesco.

In good news, I spoke with Vodafone who upgraded me early with no fee to the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+ and I love it. There are a few things I'm a bit iffy over but as the OS updates come through I am sure it will be great. The quality of the screen and the speed of the thing is very impressive. I also got my new washer dryer from AO.com. The product is fine but not overly impressed with their delivery staff - commenting on my flat being cluttered and so on. I have had a few downs this past week but I am trying to power through them. I dealt with the bombardment of my job so I can keep on top now.

This week's post is short as I would love it if you could go and read my latest article on HuffPost called You Give A Little Love and It All Comes Back To You after the song from Bugsy Malone.

 I used to consider myself as somewhere between the Conservatives and the Lib Dems on the UK spectrum but the more this Conservative Government does, the more I am convinced we as a country were safer when the Lib Dems were there in some role.  I'd like to finish on a poem (AT THE END/BOTTOM OF THE POST) which made me deeply think about my suicidal thoughts in the past few days.

Well Billy rapped all night about his suicide
How he kick it in the head when he was twenty-five
Speed jive don't want to stay alive
When you're twenty-five

- All The Young Dudes, Mott the Hoople - on this week's show on SouthWaves Radio!

Thanks again for reading and sharing xxx

Ooh Party Rings! With a cup of tea xx perfect #selfcare for #anxiety @ Iver Heath Village Hall https://t.co/6hQjfhyhEj

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) October 26, 2015

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/132006585424/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself-i-woke-up-i

Buzzing yet nervous. Excited yet sleepy.

A question I am almost always asking myself is Am I right to feel how I feel or is it just my illness?

Come see me in panto! MORE INFO at the bottom of this post

Last week I explained how I was signed off work and was told "no one else has a problem" which given I tried to kill myself only four months ago is at least 'unhelpful'. I went on to make some good connections with MIND, the mental health charity, and with the Huffington Post; this is why I am buzzing. I wrote an article called Perhaps I Can Survive which has been liked on Facebook over 40 times. One person called my article "shocking", another said "painfully honest" and a third called it "inspiring".

I feel quite excited that the negativity that surrounds mental health in general and my current situation can be used in such a positive way. My new radio show has some fantastic ratings (the second show is this Friday so please do listen!) and my blog is steadily growing in visits along with my followers on Twitter. With my birthday only a week or so away and I'm signed off work until at least November, why am I nervous and sleepy?

My new DFS sofa! :)

I am signed off sick with a formal complaint lodged so I am hoping I am being paid. If not, how will any of this pay my mortgage? I am not sick enough or disabled enough to get any benefits, yet anyway so what hope do I have. Either my illness or love of gadgets, or both, is trying to get me to buy a Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge +. It's my birthday right? I've had a hard year, I almost died. I deserve this right? Yet, when I look at my credit card, I already have a debt, unless I get lucky and I do get a few radio interviews or whatever, how I will I clear it?

I don't want to rely on my parents. I don't want to beg to the state. I feel like i'm sponging meals off family and friends already.

Yesterday my washing machine passed away by creating a small swimming pool in my kitchen. I ordered a new one with fitting but that's more money I can't risk on my credit card. That is why I am nervous -being sleepy is the side effect my illness has decided is the best reply.

Still... lets focus on the positive. I have a new washing machine dryer coming, the kickstarter for our community drama club is going really well (although there is a few more adverts and VIP ticket available). I have an amazing set of family and friends and I am 'healthier' today than I was 3 weeks ago.


I guess I better go get a Euromillions ticket!
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Thank you for reading and sharing my blog  - keep scrolling for more!!    :) xx

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/131498461448/thanks-matt-loved-last-week-we-actually-had-the

Painfully honest blog from @mattstreuli about his attempt to take his own life and how we can prevent suicides: https://t.co/SuFOYPbmfa

— Claire Bennett (@Claire_Bennett1) October 20, 2015

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/131414174662/my-debut-for-huffington-post-xx-thank-you-for-your

Writing this week's #blog xx #candles #mindfulness www.MattStreuli.uk Xxx #LootCrate #homer

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Oct 20, 2015 at 3:25am PDT

I didn't die

This week has seen a dramatic change. One which I feel could of been avoided. Either way, I am now signed off sick and I have made a formal complaint to my employer regarding constructive dismissal and discrimination. When I said I had been signed off due to my work, my boss replied with "no one else has a problem". Would he have said that if I was in a wheelchair?

 It was either ask my GP for help, quit and face eviction from my home or kill myself. Last week's post I said I was worried about "the fear that I am going to have a mental breakdown and kill myself because of you." You being my job.

I saw the warning signs. I asked for help and here I am. Now I am outside of that working situation and the work load, I feel such a sense of relief. I honestly feel out of danger and now able to fight the good fight. I won't say too much more because it would be unfair. Now is a good point to thank all of my friends and family, including those who work for the same employer, who have messaged me to offer their love and support. You are literal life savers. Part of me wonders that if I had not have the group therapy and help earlier in the year, if I would be dead by now.

However, this is an opportunity. I should not feel shame for seeing the signs and asking for help. I have been in touch with several mental health charities about working for them in the media. Over the past few days I have revamped my website and launched a profile on StarNow looking for extra work. My escape plan of becoming a Driving Instructor is also on the cards and I am a few theory sessions away from practical lessons.

See the new website at www.MattStreuli.co.uk

I can also confirm that I am recording a new radio show for SouthWaves Radio. I was planning the playlist just before I wrote this blog. It is another opportunity to openly discuss mental health and destroy the stigma that surrounds it as well as playing some fantastic tunes by Coldplay and The Dunwells. Keep an eye on my twitter for news of when I will be 'On Air'.
UPDATE - Show is this Thursday at 8pm

Thank you again for your support and please keep sharing my blog - it means the world.

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/130882398509/today-is-worldmentalhealthday-and-i-thought-it

Available for radio, voice-over and extra work! Www.starnow.com/matthewstreuli #starnow #voiceover #radio #actor Www.MattStreuli.uk

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Oct 10, 2015 at 5:20pm PDT

Work Vs Play #BipolarAndMe

  This week I should probably be writing about all the attention being focused on mental health but instead I would like to direct you to a fantastic blog (to read afterward mine of course :P ) which do a much better job than I. Clare or Brizzlelass wrote a brilliant post about Bipolar day and was open, honest and positive - something which is an extreme challenge to do. I currently have two diagnoses: bipolar and borderline personality disorder. They are similar and have some crossovers but either way stress doesn't help my condition.

Meanwhile I wanted to vent some frustrations with my employment. I was promised that we would be OK but we are far from it. I am sure if I looked at everything without emotion or morale it would be alright; but our species is human and not Vulcan so the rationale is braided with emotion. If any of my management are reading this then you are welcome to offer me redundancy. It would allow me to have a few months off so I could focus on my backup career without the fear that I am going to have a mental breakdown and kill myself because of you. Sorry. It is not the cheery or optimistic view I tried to have last week.

A message that others have tried to pass onto me, especially in group therapy, is that we should accept what we can do. Do what you can. The issue is, I know WE could do it better. In some cases, we used to.

So let's move onto to a place where I can make a difference and provide a great service with a great product. The great product in this case is our pantomimes. Below is the press release for our KICKSTARTER appeal. A few quid from everyone who reads this blog would help pay for paint and costumes - some of the things we are really struggling to afford. The links and info is below along with some lovely pictures. Please comment, share and like.

Thanks xx

Drama Club ‘Kickstarts’ Community Pantomime

Local Drama club turns to crowdfunding in a battle against rising overheads and to fund the show.

Money raised is being used to fund costumes and props for the forthcoming pantomime, DICK WHITTINGTON, which you can find more information about on our website (www.ihdc.co.uk) and Facebook (facebook.com/IverHeathDramaClub). Without help, the club faces an uncertain future with constant increases in costs such as insurance and royalties.

The Iver Heath Drama Club was founded in 1948 and meets every week. It has over 30 members  of all ages and a range of abilities. The community drama club is funded by ticket sales and donations but with rising overheads they are looking for inventive ways to keep the group open. Earlier this year the club turned to social media asking local residents to donate any leftover paint to help offset the costs. The next show is a pantomime called DICK WHITTINGTON which will be performed in January . Local mother Vikki Alone said “We are an all-inclusive club established in 1948 for all ages and abilities. Our shared passion for drama has enabled us to become a cornerstone in our community, providing a safe and nurturing environment for our youngsters and adults alike.”

Kickstarter campaigns operate under an “all-or-nothing” funding model so if the Drama Club doesn’t reach its goal then group goes empty-handed. Be sure to follow them on Twitter and Facebook to follow their progress and make sure to spread the word to your social media networks.  Consider donating as little as £3 to help their project come to life.  If you decide to donate more, you could buy VIP family tickets to the pantomime in January or even a date with the Dame.

The club played a vital role in the building of the current Iver Heath Village Hall which it continues to call home and to this day maintains the stage lights and stage for the club, hall and other hirers to use. The club charges a £2 for youth and £3 for adults a week membership fee and has the lowest pantomime ticket prices in our region.

Local primary school teacher Jo Williams said “I met my husband at IHDC and now our son goes. We need to make sure that IHDC keeps going so my grandson and his children go there too.”

MORE INFO IS ON OUR WEBSITE : www.ihdc.co.uk
 

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If you’d like more information about the Project, or to schedule an interview with Carol or Matt please call  07941 818 621 or send them a Tweet @ihdc
 
Since Kickstarter was launched, on April 28, 2009, 9.6 million people have backed a project, $2 billion has been pledged, and 93,515 projects have been successfully funded. For more information please contact press@kickstarter.com

Dick Whittington is our Pantomime this year!! Please invite all your friends to come along and join in the fun! Join this event for all details and exciting updates! Maybe even some sneaky peaks!
Posted by Iver Heath Drama Club on Tuesday, 6 October 2015

 

Justgiving - This will help fund the costumes and props for our forthcoming pantomime, DICK WHITTINGTON,... http://t.co/kB4YkGxKx1

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) October 6, 2015

 

Running water found on mars, Protests at cereal bars, The Moon is turning blood red, Cameron boned a pig head, WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE

— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) September 28, 2015

He can't believe how tidy my flat is either

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Oct 3, 2015 at 11:04am PDT