When your still waiting for the snow to fall, it doesn't really feel like Christmas at all....

Ah Christmas!  Don't you just hate it? Go see the pictures then read this. 

I am coming up the other side of my black patch which made me think how I would explain my cycles.

And a cycle is exactly what it is. It is where we all have our ups and downs. I've drawn a cycle for me which probably takes 4-6 weeks. The difference I believe between you and me is that my highs and lows are more extreme than the average -  the average is what society considers normal. Everyone else is  bit more sine wave than me. 

Now I love being high: passionate, full of ideas and the energy to carry them out, a rose tinted view of everything plus I sleep for 4hours max each night for a few days.

It's the crash that brings me to rock bottom that you will have read about in my past couple of posts but I could summarise with self loathing, self harm and even suicidal thoughts.

When I'm high, then the lows seem worth bearing with.  When I'm low, nothing is worth living like this.

Still I'm coming up the other side for now.

I'm going to my GPs on Monday to try and get officially diagnosed and maybe some meds to help stop me crashing so hard and low.

Before I wrap this post up I just want to say a huge thank you to some great friends I have who have stood by me and given me room and given me 'slack' when maybe I haven't always deserved it and been greatful. I find it difficult not to put on my happy and entertaining face in a group (except when I'm very low and then I don't even try - sorry if I was über rude to you!) and so I struggle to say this thank you to people or to explain how I actually think or feel. Claire, your text meant the world to me and I am so lucky to have a tolerant big sister like you. Carol, your messages were great and where some are scared of mental illness you were there with a hug which I desperately need. Aidan with help from Lee, Emily, Falcon and Louis, you tried to cheer me up when I needed lifting out of my ditch. Elli, My crazy Dutch friend,  it's nice to have someone outside of the situation to offer a ear. Tiff, thanks for making me smile! 

So I say thank you and that If you'd like a Costa Coffee, a hug and chat / cry then I would love that too. Xx

Right now, I'm watching TV with my nan (I suspect Alzheimers) and having a biscuit. I'm OK.

Oh and the post title?  My favourite crimbo song. Like and share my blog and YouTube.

Otherwise I'm a proud member of the Mental Health charity MIND and I'd like to say a big thank you to Claire who made a donation to mind rather than spend the money on cards and stamps. You can too :There are two ways to donate to Mind via text (UK only) Text SUPPORT to 70660 or Text GIVE to 82772

I'm done now.  You can go.  Enjoy Christmas you lucky barstards. ;)

What am I meant to change?

I'm not happy. It feels like it's getting worse - which is an achievement as I thought I had already visited rock bottom.

The happiest I've been in the past week was presenting a quiz at my work on Thursday and getting drunk alone watching House on Saturday night.

The rest of the time I feel overwhelmed. I've feel I have been pushing my friends away although my brain feels that society is pushing me away -  I'm unwelcome. I'm fat and horrible.

Something has to change. But I don't know what or how.

If I could win the lottery I would lock my door and never come out again.  I don't want to keep fighting just to survive.

I don't enjoy drama anymore.  I  could rant but why bother. And apart from drama I have nothing.

I am nothing.
AND yet you all seem to think I'm funny and some local celebrity.

I've burnt out and I'm alone. 

Anyway.  On a more cheery note, I'm in panto in January and I uploaded a special video of pics and videos from set build and rehearsals this month. Buy tickets at www.ihdc.co.uk. Or see the video at www.youtube.com/MattStreuli (it'd be great if other people did some advertising at their work or through social media) #iwontrant

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/104796225487/i-dont-want-to-do-any-of-it-anymore-and-i-think

Now go watch my YouTube

What if they weren't alcoholics...

Ok.  Im having a low moment.
Not sure what the trigger is but I have been quite happy for a few weeks so the karma of bipolar was due. Ooh look pictures. Merry Xmas btw. 

If you're looking for a more cheerful blog visit Lee Hall today

Perhaps I have been watching too much House (an American TV series starring Hugh Laurie and not a place of residence) but ive re-examined my patient history. My mother and likely her father both have / had a history of alcohol addiction. Both were heavy smokers. Sticking with my mother as I have personal memories to go by, I've always assumed she drank to deal with the pain of ruining a marriage through multiple affairs including the first bf I met who hit her at least once. Fucking your life up like that would drive you to drink, especially as two close friends died around the same time and your boss gets wasted in his office on miniatures - I can see where the inspiration for the coping mechanism came from.

But what if it wasn't just a coping mechanism but also a symptom. A symptom of a mental health issue.

We've all understood for a while that alcohol and perhaps addictive personality traits could be genetic - we all know of a family of drunks or druggies and whilst some of it is nuture I think alot more is nature. Or to be more precise I agree with some physiologists who suggest that our brain nature is altered by nuture - for example major events especially in childhood and teenage years when the brain is forming.

What if my brain nature was already predisposed to mental health issues and the nature of my childhood -  drunks and death - simply exacerbated the issue.

If this is the case then the alcoholism was a coping mechanism for their lives which they couldn't handle due to their genetic preposition for mental health issues.

What makes me think that alcoholism is a symptom and not the virus?
I am not an alcoholic. I can go weeks without drinking  and then only have one pint or if it's a night out get very drunk and then take a week to recover. But I do have mental health issues. Perhaps my genetic preposition is the same but my coping mechanism is not.

I'm not sure what are my mechanisms: creativity through youtube and acting or burying myself in community work so I forget how alone I am or the occasional anti-depressant.

All of them seem better than becoming addicted to any substance just to ease the pain. But I guess if that was the measure then we would all recommended people cut themselves (cutting releases endorphins and the brain focuses on that and the new pain signal).

Ive thought I was wired differently for a long time -  especially recently when I wrote a blog post explaining how I took comfort in knowing how I will kill myself (not planning to do it in the next few years, I want to see marriages and babies first).

Still:
What if my brain nature was already predisposed to mental health issues and the nature of my childhood -  drunks and death - simply exacerbated the issue?

Is there anyway to change my nature?

Or are you going to tell me that I have to try harder?
Because some days, I just can't anymore.

If you are wondering what you can do to support mental health please look  at making a pledge with Time To Change (and organisation trying to end the stigma surrounding mental health) and why not join me and become a member of the charity MIND.

In more cheerful youtube news I am opening a Doctor Who Advent calendar each day this month and I have two new recent videos: in one I eat a peanut butter Twix and then my sister says "I will cut you because you can sing" (sic) in the other. Go now to www.youtube.com/MattStreuli and like and stuff.

Live from the M1

Two things I wanted to quickly write up.

Today I can visited one of a five main hubs for a major UK and European courier. Next time you click order on a site like Amazon remember the fantastic people who are working 24hrs a day in warehouses and logistics to get that parcel to you next day: business or leisure.

That item is picked and then packed. Then collected by a courier and taken to a local depot. On it goes to a central hub. From there it is sorted into a batch and loaded to a lorry to go to your local depot to reach you. All while your asleep. All for very Little cost.  Well done. And a personal thanks to TNT who do a great job and work incrediblely hard to beat expectations and if it does ever go wrong -  they sort it.

Oh and the second thing... 
Here is my latest lootcrate video. Battle!

LootCrate Nov2014  'Battle' ∞ MATT STREULI: http://youtu.be/5cRCBMglNVA

Like and share!

Byeee

I love you all.

An Apology

When someone makes a throwaway comment that wasn't throwaway for you....

I'm sorry if I have been annoying any of you.

I was in a manic state at the end of last week and have been returning to normal this week.  From comments made it is obvious that despite feeling better than ever about myself and achieving more than normal I have been either annoying or irritating: if not these emotions exactly then similar as those involved do not wish to spend long periods of time with me.

As a previous tweet suggests I am quite hurt by it but I never know whether I am right to feel that way or its just 'Matt playing up again'.  And this won't stop looping around my brain.

Maybe I'm not funny...  Maybe im  a pain?

@mattstreuli's Tweet: https://twitter.com/mattstreuli/status/522514881753661440

Either way I'm going to take a break from social media completely including my blog,  Twitter and my youtube. There are some videos I uploaded and scheduled which will still appear over the next few weeks but nothing else and I will do my best not to promote them so I don't pester anyone.

I'm also sorry that I'm not using this blog post to congratulations and a heart well done to the teens of IHDC for their efforts at the Woking Drama Festival. They did a fantastic job of representating our small club and I am immensely proud of them.

M xx

Are we all mentally ill?

Howdey,

So I am currently taking part in some free on-line further eduction courses and the first one to start is surround the topic of mental health.

Now I am meant to be reading articles and watching videos but I was distracted by a report in the further reading list - it is labled as a introduction to mental health and psychology.


I would argue we are all mentally ill – just varying degrees of it. Discuss :)

You can find out more about this course and other free courses at https://www.futurelearn.com/

(1)   “There is good reason to believe that mental health and ‘mental illness’ (and different types of mental ‘illness’) shade into each other and are not separate categories.”

I read this in the report from the suggested reading list and it sparked a discussion I had once in a pub (where all good discussions take place ;).

 My point in the discussion was there is no normal. I honestly believe everyone has some level of mental health issue or mental distress as the report phrases it. I imagine the population as a box and whisker diagram

The vast majority fit inside the box and I am sure we all know of people or are on the edges of the box by Q1 (lower quartile) and Q3 (upper). For instance in the report it brought up how a Dutch TV programme had met people who hear voices in their heads but were not mentally ill.

(2)   “ When we first met these people in the wake of the TV programme, we were quite astounded because, like most psychiatrists and indeed most lay people, we were used to regarding people who hear voices as mentally distressed.We were forced to change our ideas when we were confronted with well-balanced, healthy people...”

Then we have the whiskers. The whiskers show the most extreme data points. These data points tend to be the sensationalised view given by the media – the view which creates the stereotype and stigma surrounding mental health.

(3) “In 2009, the total population in England and Wales was just over 43 million. It is estimated that about one in six of the adult population will have a significant mental health problem at any one time (more than 7 million people). Given this number and the 50–70 cases of homicide a year involving people known to have a mental health problem at the time of the murder, clearly the statistics data do not support the sensationalised media coverage about the danger that people with mental health problems present to the community.”

So  is it as black and white as "a person can either be mentally ill or not"?
 I would argue we are all mentally ill – just varying degrees of it. I would also argue that alot of people are pushed further from the median by the weight of living.

Discuss :)

Quotes 1 and 2  from Recent advances in understanding mental illness and psychotic experiences, A report by The British Psychological Society - on the further reading list. Quote 3 is from the Time to Change website. Time to Change is a campaign run by the mental health charities MIND and Rethink to end the stigma of mental health. 

(http://schizophrenia.com/research/Rep03.pdf) 

Back to Work & PRIZE TIME

Yes back to the toil of work but three weeks of rest and oral morphine has done me the world of good. I feel much more enthused for my day job but also the other jobs I fill my life with.

In Two weeks I have published 7 videos onto my YouTube channel; three with thanks to the Ice Bucket Challenge. If you have been living in a Chilean mine (topical humour in 2010) then you might not of seen the flash flood of videos storming social media where people pour iced water over themselves to promote their charities, mostly ALS who are an American charity for Motor Neurone Disease. My good buddy Lee Hall has written a blog post about it and about his trials in getting his book published. You should go read it, and sign his mailing list. But only after this.

So, in case you have missed any of my YouTube videos here is the quick run down! (In reverse age order. There is a test at the end.)




7.
It was Lee's birthday and we surprised him. Here is the unedited footage which will wet your taste buds ready for Aidan's fully edited masterpiece.








6.
It's been 11 Years since my mother died. I did plan a rather heartfelt interview  but nature and a iffy microphone set up lead to hours of work and a 'bodge job'. Here is the result which briefly, when measure in views in first 24hrs, was my most popular video ever.

5.
In at five is my first Unboxing video of Loot Crate. It's a Geeky thing. A treasure trove mixed of stuff I love and stuff I am now discovering. Watch and be jealous!

4.
I get cold and wet. Thanks.

3.
Claire gets cold and wet at www.ihdc.co.uk











2.
Want to hear me ruin a great summer hit? Well give me a box and off we go. Get Lucky.

1.
AND finally Aidan 'Catherine of' Parr gets cold and wet too.


Now... have you been paying attention? Did you subscribe to my YouTube Channel?
CLICK HERE FOR THE TEST AND YOU COULD WIN BIG or do it below.
You have until midday BST on Saturday 6th September to enter/complete. Good luck!

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I'm worried I won't be able to kill myself. (Nothing to do with being a coward)

Just as a preface -  I am currently  off work  with a torn tendon in my foot/ankle and  I am on some strong painkillers  whilst  I regain my foot use  hence the lack of posts and the dopey video I posted last week - linked.

Is it normal  to think  about  how I want to kill myself?

For many years I've had suicidal thoughts but the difference  is that  over the  past 6 or so months of anti depressants the thoughts have been less severe. And yet I have always taken comfort in knowing how I want to die and a plan of action if I did need to do it.

However my preferred method,  a rather painless and gore-less option, has been in the media spotlight.

My first choice  would be to suffocate myself using Nitrous Oxide (also known as NO2 or laughing  gas). You will have probably  been given it  by your dentist  or of you have used 'gas and air' during  childbirth. As the name suggests in medicine it is mixed with oxygen even so the drug causes drowsiness and pain relief. In a high enough concentration it becomes euphoric and, much like breathing only helium from a balloon, I would fill my lungs and use a medical mask to ensure that even as I lost consciousness due to the lack of oxygen in my lungs and blood that as I gasp for air I still only breath in NO2 until I cease  to be.

It baffles me how you all live  your lives  without such a plan in place.  Even if in the short term at least I have no plan to execute it.

However due to youngsters using it recreationally the gas or drug depending on your view has gained attention in the UK with one mourning family  asking for tighter restrictions.

Outside of its medical applications,  laughing gas is used in vehicles (Nitro  boost etc) and in whipped cream.  In fact those using the drug to get high are buying cartridges meant for whipped cream dispensers and inhaling it via a balloon.  One canister is one deep breath. At the moment  anyone in the UK can buy these whipper bulbs and as you can see from the below they are  not expensive.

Compared to other end of life methods  this is the least messy, stressful or painful and is in fact euphoric.  Compared to an overdose it is even quite cheap.

Which begs the question - do I stock up now whilst it is relatively easy to obtain or wait and be prepared this option  maybe closed off depending on press  pressure and politics?

Once again I do not plan on killing myself this week or even this year  and if I felt I had to do it I would find another method but this sweet smelling and sugary tasting gas seemed to be the solution.

Rumour has it some states in the US are looking at laughing gas to replace their current capital punishment methods but is it just that the murderer dies 'laughing'? 

Still that's a topic for another day.

Should their be a greater restriction on Nitrous Oxide? Is it worrying I'm  worried that there will be?

Comment below or why not retweet  or repost on Tumblr with your thoughts.

As a side note, my best bud is writing  a blog covering a range of topics including trying to get his fiction book published or even self published. Lee Hall's blog is available here so go click. http://lahallwriter.wordpress.com

To quote Mr Green's hometown "DFTBA" 

Don't forget to be awesome.

Byeee

Oh and the ankle?  When I'm not doped up on codine it is still  really painful but I am slowly putting more weight on it. Hopefully no crutches soon and I might be able to drive again Xx

Waterslide POV: http://youtu.be/nAephqcMoE4

Bluted and my beard. 

Hi! 

18th April 1930

I know you come here for a laugh but I don't have much to report. Well apart from the fact I was rear-ended on Thursday night and not in a good way.


Oh and I also walked on fire. Well hot coals. It's certainly mind over matter but still baffles me that it is OK for me to do that on the company insurance but not to drive to the event in my own car... #smh


So let's take this opportunity to recap on things you might of missed.

First off is an Outside Broadcast special of OFF THE RADAR. Aidan, Lee and myself recorded this a couple of weeks ago after the final performance of that play I was in. Gripping stuff I tell you. We discuss a whole smorgasbord of topics including but not limited to She-Wees and beer.  Aidan's disclaimer reads "PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS EDITION OF OFF THE RADAR WAS RECORDED ON LOCATION WITH LIMITED EQUIPMENT. TO THIS END, THE SOUND QUALITY MAY NOT BE UP TO THE DESIRED STANDARDS. AS NORMAL, OFF THE RADAR CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE, AND FLASHING IMAGES FROM THE OUTSET."

Next up is my new YouTube videos. There is the youngsters of the Iver Heath Drama Club performing "A Midsummer's Nights Dream" which having watched I was thoughly impressed with. The Lighting effects by James Pearce of Pearce Sound and Light are amazing. I would take my hat off to all those involved if I was wearing one.The adult show featuring moi will appear in August - so make sure you click like, subscribe, share, comment and all of the buttons on YouTube.

Then next up is an assortment of clips from our trip to Brighton which looking back was almost a month ago. I am pleased to confirm that my fellow co-stars who for legal reasons I will call Louise Theochari and Eagle Garman are now in a relationship and have spent more time in each other's mouths then not. There is a special feature clip which I would class as soft porn.  Anyway click here for the first clip from this lovely series in which we sing a ditty or two.

Oh and just before we go, a bit of selfless plugging - although that sounds incredibly rude - the Iver Heath Drama Club is already promoting panto! Click that link to get to our county newspaper and see Louis Theochari and Lee Hall looking lovely.

Right - I'm off to see a specialist about my neck. From the car crash.

Oh and the blog title? Well on 18th April 1930 on BBC Radio they announced there was no news. Nothing. Now of course this was a Good Friday in the 1930's which for those you under the voting age might call the dark ages as they had no television or internet. The BBC announcer played some light piano music until normal programming resumed. Well, our version of piano music is this blog.

Tally-ho!

RIP Power Tools Customer Service

I will dearly miss the office Service Centre team in PT. We shared an incredible two years together that I will never get back. I honestly believe that they (the management) will realise their mistake by year end when the brand has been destroyed by the incoming new service. Every single employee put in 120% until their soul was left destroyed.

In honour, Mr  Simpson has written as short eulogy for each member of the BSC over the year and here is mine:  

Matthew Streuli 
Matt’s striking resemblance to a character from the Pixar movie Toy Story 2 formed the basis of his pathological hatred of toys, nurseries and anything child-related, such was the extent of the teasing and bullying he suffered since the film’s release in 1999. Matt’s showbiz connections are further reaching, however, and in addition to being the inspiration for the character Will in Channel 4’s The Inbetweeners, he is actively involved in the Iver Heath Amateur Dramatic Society where he sees himself as Slough’s answer to George Lucas, although his fellow thespians see him more as a Matt Lucas figure.  

 RIP PT Customer Service and I wish my comrades the very very best for their future. 

Meanwhile, in my current role, can I tell you how amazing Bosch Car Batteries are? Why don't you get a new one fitted at your nearest Bosch Car Service? :) 

Also, congrats to Falcon and Louis who are now exchanging oral juices. If anyone else is looking for love I seem to be good at setting others up - just not myself.

Oh - and I am going to kill myself dressed as Elmo tomorrow. That's something to look forward to.

Happy independence day!

MANIA

Noun:
 mental illness marked by periods of great excitement or euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.

Some organisations only recognise mania if it lasts more than seven days and for some people mania is almost a crippling disability.

Maybe I don't truly have bi-polar as my manic episodes are hard to point out. My memory just seems to remember a really good week rather than the crippling mania that some people suffer. I write this after about 5 days last week in which I think I was manic. Well I was really happy. So happy I find it irritating. 

I laughed out loud. Something which I rarely do as I sound like a cat being put through a mangle. The sun was shining, it was but the whole world took on this magical glow. I felt as if I was bursting with creativity and dispite my best efforts I slept for around 2-3 hours each night and barely felt sleepy the next day. Life is fantastic and I suddenly had more time for it.

Normally, I would return to status quo for a few weeks until I either suddenly crash into my deep depression or I gently slide there.

However, a few days after my mania has gently slid down to normality, I am experiencing something new.

I AM PISSED OFF.

I am sooo angry. I have one or two reasons to be angry but if I am brutally honest with myself I would normally brush them off - except in a depressive state. 

So, have I started to cycle faster than once a month? Am I now feeling anger instead of self loathing? As bizarre as it may sound to you I'd rather hate myself and this stupid fucking planet that be this angry.


“Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”
― Laurence J. Peter

Response to Pinewood Studios getting Permission from UK Government for Expansion

As a resident of Iver Heath (Well, I now live in Wexham as I couldn't afford to buy a flat in my home town!) I just wanted to say I am 100% behind Pinewood for this.

I beg that everyone does not give up on 'Iver Heath', just you work WITH Pinewood rather than against it.

Pinewood provides so many jobs not just for Iver Heath but for the whole UK and over the next 15 years I want you all to think of the boost to building trade (like the Olympics did) and in turn the Power Tool sales companies and the youngsters starting apprenticeships in building and in creative industries! AS LONG AS Pinewood maintains its obligations to Pay UK tax, to keep local roads well maintained and support local community groups and schools.

The people who said no to Project Pinewood are  not the working people of Iver & Iver Heath who live on minimum wage. Through my work with the Iver Heath Drama Club I am aware of families who earn well over £500,000 and families who are living in energy and food poverty.

I sincerely hope that rather than continue to stomp and scream against Pinewood, that the the local NO campaign now stomps and screams to make sure that the fantastic villages/towns of Iver Heath, Richings Park, Wexham and Iver all get to benefit from this in every way. 

I want well maintained roads, Pinewood to help ease traffic congestion by restricting what hours vehicles can access the sites and which routes they use, I want the fastest broadband in the UK, I want funding and support for local clubs and schools (and this can mean prizes for school fetes or when a company wants to make a film at Pinewood, in the contract is that the film stars will open the school fete or will donate a prop etc - my point it doesn't all have to be financial), I want assurances and results on local training schemes (which they have started with Open University already) to ensure that the unemployed from the local area get jobs and support. I want simple things too, I want Pinewood to pay for flowers etc to be planted and maintained throughout our towns and their support on local issues (for instance we spoke about a humped zebra crossing on Slough Road which the council could not afford.)

The No campaign had some very valid points and I sincerely hope they will work WITH Pinewood, WITH South Bucks District Council, WITH the UK government and WITH me to make sure that the world benefits from great entertainment and that our local community benefits just as much as the Pinewood Group does. Your fight is not over - it has evolved.  We must keep a healthy balance between the two. We cannot let them 'have their cake and eat it'.

I beg local councils not to waste money on an appeal but to spend the time and resources instead in supporting the local community create a 'Pinewood' Watchdog, perhaps part of the Ivers Community Action Group, to ensure that our community and our country gets 110% of what it deserves.

I am Vice-Chairman of the Iver Heath Drama Club and I am sure some you reading this will be questioning my intent. Good. Never take things at face value. Always question why people are saying what they say.

And I would be a lying politician if I said that the my role with IHDC (who are sponsored by Pinewood Studios) had not influenced my view on the expansion. However, Pinewood have been supporting the club since it first opened in 1948. Some its founding members were Pinewood staff. Some of our lights are still the originals donated by Pinewood in the 1950s. My point here is that Pinewood has ALWAYS supported IHDC. It has always supported local youth football teams and local schools. 

I want you to make sure this support continues, increases and improves. I am cynic too. But a cynic who realises that this town and this country has to change to help our economy grow, help get more people into work and most of all if the UK wants to still be a leader in Entertainment ranging from Video Games (GTA V), to TV (Bob the Builder and The IT Crowd) through to films (the new Star Wars and the James Bond franchise) then we must keep changing and improving. We must keep a healthy balance between the two.

Otherwise in 20 years time we will all look at Iver Heath, at a failing Pinewood whose business moved to their other sites overseas where people wanted to work, and at town that resembles a retirement home rather than the family orientated Ivers we love today.

 

Does this work?

When did people start taking relationship advice from an automated service?

I'll be honest I have answered one of their texts before in which I asked them who I would marry. Either a clever IT system or a bored Uni student then preceeded to google my name and hometown before picking a random facebook friend. It was a bit of fun. Probably too expensive but still banter.

But I would not trust a Uni Student in Latvia or a computer system in Belguim to investgate whether my gf is cheating or if I should leave her. What worries me more so that the question "Is my Gf cheating?" appears to be as important as finding out "What was number 1 when I was born?"

If you aren't sure you love someone, then make an effort with them.
If you suspect they are cheating then either you are insecure or they don't show you the love and attention you deserve.

There is some advice which didn't cost £2.50 per message.

Also I hope Joanna and Emma don't read this and realise that if they take this seriously they may have to share me.

There is a lot to share.

In other news - a NEW YOUTUBE video appears tonight at www.YouTube.com/MattStreuli about 5:30pm (13/6/14) Go look :)

Artificial Light - A Poem

The office was dark. Peaceful.
Random lights lit the path between partition walls, departments and teams.
My desk, dimly lit, reflected out of me.
30 clicks of 30 switches flickered florescent tubes to life.
Alone in the office and yet everything was now bright.

Underneath, it seems to be a facade.
Under the light, the bright colours, teams of unsatisfied unthanked minions will toil.
The posters and colours seem so fake.
Issues and errors draining efficiency, enthusiasm and belief.

You want the truth?
The dimly lit office suited me so much better than this Artificial Light.

My balls

I thought you would all enjoy this conversation I had with my bestie whose name I shall change to protect her privacy. For today we shall call her Claire He-Man (and the masters of the Universe).

Please do like and share my blogs and YouTube videos.

Byee

Michelle Ben wants to be your friend

On a rainy Bank Holiday afternoon you get a random Facebook friend request from a nurse in Atlanta, Georgia. Having checked with my long distance girlfriend*, who is also an American nurse, that she is not one of her friends or family I decided that this must be one of those phantom random accounts that adds you and then tries to convince you to lend her your life savings so she can buy a dinghy and row to Bordeaux to buy the hat of destiny otherwise her Nephew's pet gerbil might get his hand cut off or some garbage to that effect.
Click on pictures to make them bigger....

Michelle Ben on Facebook. And no Jesus isn't talking to that bird. Dr Doolittle he aint.

*a bit of gossip for you there.

So I did what any of you would of done, I started talking to her with the aim of seeing if she really was a Nurse let alone an American one. Having run a few names past my fellow American lady to see if they were recognisable I went ahead thinking the person claiming to be Michelle Ben would at least Google the names or facts or locations. But oh no.... Even Terrorist Extortionists put too much faith in this and seem to be believe every fact I produce. Before we start I just want to apologise if I do offend you - this is not my intent - and I do not mean to make light of any heinous crimes they committed it was purely to test whether they were American or were even googling what I was saying. Well you will see...

Also I would like to point out that my Dad is fine. I did lose him in Miniland when I was 10 but the kind people gave me a balloon or something and reunited me shortly after. I remember getting lost in the Tank Museum and getting a free poster. There's a lesson here kids; get lost.

Anyway back to this muppet who you will quickly gather cannot be a Nurse and is unlikely to be from the US.

Firstly it is 7:10pm. Britian's Got Talent is on. For those of you unfamiliar with the format some talented people and some not so talented people that no one has been nice enough to tell them so perform in front of David Williams (a fantastic comedian and author), Simon Cowell (the man responsable for slitting the musical throat of our great nation and drinking its blood), Alisha Dixon (she won Strictly Come Dancing I think and once had a song that was in the top 10) and a blonde woman whose name escapes me but she was in Shrek the Musical for few weeks. As you might infer I have no time for this which I was I answered her. 

Click on pictures to elarge them!

I said Who are you? not How are you...

Do you like the shameless promotion of my YouTube Channel? I bet they didn't even go on it.
My real name is the same as my website, YouTube channel and Facebook and believe me, I am the only Matt Streuli. Go on, have a look. See? So what is my real name? Well, lets pick a convicted child murderer to see if she will google it...

 I sound good to her? Well I'm happy.

And proof she/he has not bothered to google my name... I'm not a pervert or a stalker but even I do that... But she has visited my profile to see my hometown is Slough. Perhaps it is becuase I live in Slough, but if I was to visit the UK I would go to one of our fantastic cities: Edinburgh, Cardiff, Manchester, London or Belfast. Not the shit hole called Slough...

 Slough is cool and peaceful? Has she/he even googled it? I bet not so lets see...

Note: No bomb factory in Slough. But if there was one I reckon it would of been quieter post closure.

Note 2: You don't require an invite to visit the UK. Depending on your country you might need a Visa but I don't think we have any border guards so just turn up and walk in.

Note 3: Slough is not near Manchester Airport. It is near Heathrow. They are 3hours apart by car.

 

Regards  to my friend Myra? really!?

She hates Hut People. I'm indifferent to them but I'm happy to argue with her/he/it just for fun.
And kids, if you only take one lesson from today it is getting lost gets you free things. If you can take two lessons, then also take that you "only like to treat people good".

Grammar is important if your a nurse...

 You will like Myra Hindley? Google the name and you'll realise that this is not going anywhere. You like to be honest? Then admit your first language is not English.

Note: Ian Brady would be hungry. He is on hunger strike in a mental health ward still serving his life in prison term. Again, I do not wish to cause offence but I would of thought she would of googled the names by now and blocked me... on we go...

 I am nice friend. Thank you.

Hardworking? Yes that describes me.... *cough*

 Don't you require some sort of qualifications to be a pharmacist? Or can anyone do it?
And yes Digging. She's not getting it is she/he/it?

Perhaps I'll try someone more infamous...

 Google The Baylor Health Care System. It is 11hour car journey from where she 'lives'.
How many Kid do you have? well the correct answer is zero. I have no goats.

 The Austrian man that was born German? Is that the most famous fact about him? really?
I'm still giggling at my reply. Do you think she's beginning to see I'm not taking this seriously?

You haven't heard of it because I'm making shit up to annoy you.

Yes the many things of Slough. Can you spot which ones are not real?
And if you don't know what Effluent means you would google it surely? And realise a sewage plant is not really a tourist attraction. Maybe it is to her? Maybe she specialises in rectal exams ?

Again, google Rolf Harris. See why Slough took that picture down.
I'd like to point out that to my knowledge there was never a picture of Mr Harris being danced around in Slough but weirder things have happened. 

Myra has been quiet of late. Perhaps due to her death 12 years ago.

Note: Mason Jar from the bottom. if you do not get the reference consider yourself lucky.

I feel we may have enjoyed it in different ways.

Do you like my method of telling her I was going to the toilet? 

 To my disapointment I have not heard from Michelle Ben since but I will let you know if I ever do. Part of me sincerely hopes Nigel Farage is now being bombarded with pictures of a random woman addressed to Ian Brady.

That's a sentence you'd never thought you'd read.

Please do share this if it made you smile if not please do email MichelleBen32@yahoo.com and I am sure she will talk to you about her plans to visit the giant picture of Ant and Dec.

Remember to be good to the Hut People and only be good to people.

Byee.