The Mental Health Fight & Unboxing a Little Box of Distractions

Four months ago, I tried to kill myself. The main cause was stress and workload at work, since we had lost several members of staff without them being replaced, but the trigger was an incident at work where I defended someone I 'saw' as vulnerable but I came under attack. Without consciously knowing it, I needed to look after that vulnerable person just as I was the sole carer for my Mother between the ages of 8 and 13. She died when I was 13 from alcoholism. My 'damaged' hardware and software of my mind crashed. Once I returned to work, I volunteered my NHS assessments to my employer, saw their appointed Doctor who gave them a list of adjustments (which they only followed one of) and I agreed to be more open rather than bottle things up. I did. We all did.
I lasted just over 3 months. The trigger was when I brought something to the attention of my senior Manager and challenged him, just like we are always being told to. I told him he had offended some of the staff and he replied with "I don't care". It set off the same cascade failure we had seen a few months earlier except this time, I asked for help. When I told that same manager I had been signed off due to work he replied "No one else has a problem." He even tried to convince me to resign. I've seen GPs, my psychologists, I've spoken with solicitors and legal teams at Citizens Advice Bureau and ACAS as well as the fantastic team at MIND, the mental health charity. He discriminated against me, I assume because of my health condition, and tried to constructively dismiss me. I went straight to HR.

I self harmed because of him.  They knowingly exacerbated my condition.

On Monday, after some postponement, I have my first meeting with HR. If I didn't ask for help, this meeting could be taking place at an inquest in front of the press and a coroner. If I didn't ask for help they would have my blood on their hands.

I summarise my story because some of you are new to my blog. I have proactively removed any evidence of who I work for from my website and social media and I have never mentioned it here or in my interviews with the press. I want to tell my story but I do not wish for the negligent behaviour of a man to damage such a fantastic company I would work for but, I make clear, I would rather KILL MYSELF, then work in that department again or for that man again.

Such a meeting is playing on my mind. I went on a midnight walk last night to try and clear it. Will they be reasonable? Will they care about me? Will they be concerned for the welfare of those at work, working Saturdays to try and keep up? Will they want me to back in a different division?

Even though I am so much better than I was four months ago when I tried to kill myself, and better than I was a month ago when I first asked for help, my anxiety has returned and I am scared for my future. How will I pay my credit cards? My mortgage? It would be great if I could do more interviews like the one for LBC last week and fill my life with the little volunteer projects for the local Police and even this blog, but how will that feed or water me?

One way of helping people with mental health, especially those in a difficult place or an unhealthy frame of mind, is a box of distractions. Kerry Elliot is running a scheme where those who need the box can get one for free or a small donation. The scheme is crowdfunded. It is a brilliant idea and is really helping me at the moment, taking myself away from some of the more destructive thoughts. A video review is down below but boxes like this are really helping. I wonder whether a monthly box, like lootcrate, would work. I'm quite interested to use some of them and as you will see from the video, my cat Punch likes them too.

I have so much going for me. Hopefully you'll agree my interview on LBC went really well and maybe they will give me the leg up to do more media things. My radio show has a steady amount of listeners and my blog gets steadily more popular. The pantomime is coming really well and for the first time in a couple of years, I'm not being all negative and hateful towards it, an apparent side effect of work. I'm fighting. Fighting not to let them kill me. Fighting not to overthink. Fighting not to fail. Fighting for what is right and just. Fighting so that people with mental health are not locked away or left for dead. Fighting to survive and so that others survive too. Fighting to help others, and not hurt them.

I can see all of this on a loop. I'm going to open up that box and distract myself. I have to try.








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Mental health is like diabetes OR Postponement and Positivity

I was really anxious. I felt low and had nightmares. Even with my birthday.

I was meant to have my first HR meeting regarding my formal complaint but due to unforeseen circumstances on their part, it has now been delayed by 2 weeks. It is an enormous weight to be lifted, but it still hangs over me. My only concern now is that when we do hold the meeting I will have been off work for a full month and potentially no investigation will have been done.


Matts birthday xx
Posted by Carol Campling on Saturday, 31 October 2015

 Still, I'm now 26 and after an awesome birthday weekend I feel enthused to be active.


However, this week we have good reason to be positive about the future. In the past few days the British public has been very open and hopefully accepting of mental health. It started with a fantastic documentary on BBC Three by the musician Professor Green around male suicide and affect his Father's suicide had. To talk about a taboo such as suicide is brave. To put then appear on BBC's flagship news programme Newsnight and discuss your own mental health, putting your reputation on the line, even more so. To educate, entertain and inform is the remit of the BBC and the join effort by BBC Three and BBC News did a fantastic job to rugby tackle such a complex and difficult issue and honestly explore it.
"The life expectancy for people with mental health problems remains 20 years lower than for the general population." - BBC News
Everyone is so scared of discussing their mental health. My own Father voiced concerns on this blog about my honesty. Would it affect my future career or how people treat me? If anything, the fantastic work being done shows that mental health is like diabetes; when managed correctly we can be perfectly functioning members of society and normal (or not!) as everyone else.

Equality is a key ethos. Everyone should be treated the same regardless of who they love, what genitals they have, their skin colour or their medical condition. Yet, I have faced discrimination. Ruby Wax with several key politicians and celebrities such at Matt Lucas, Alan Rickman and Caroline Lucas kickstarted a campaign this week. I honestly believe the staff of the NHS do their best to treat mental health equally to physical health yet we all know that in the end, this is not the case. We've discussed here on this blog before that when compared to cancer the physical signs of mental health are harder to see, that people get pushed back. For many years, Time To Change, has championed that one in four people will be affected by their mental health however it was former 'spin doctor' Alistair Campbell who argued that we all have mental health. If you read back through my blog, I have already lead a charge that we all have mental health and that it sits on a spectrum; we have all suffered with mental health moments when you take the breakups, grief and turmoil we have endured into account. Mental health isn't just the physical brain not working, but in cases like mine it appears to be more that the software on my 'computer' doesn't work either. Mental health is like diabetes; when managed correctly, whether therapy or medication or more, we can be perfectly functioning members of society. Please take this opportunity to have browse through my blog and sign this petition by those experts and celebs to pull mental health away from this victorian asylum image that horror portrays into the 21st century because, one day you will need it.

If you keep a close eye on twitter and my local newspapers, then you may see my name and that of the Iver Heath Drama Club crop up. I can confirm that Pinewood Studios has renewed their sponsorship of the club. IHDC is over 60 years old and is funded through donations, membership fees and profits from shows. It has over 40 members of all ages, abilities and disabilities and I am proud to be Chairman of the group. I am also proud to be the pantomime dame which you may have noticed. There is a video below of work thus far on our next show as well as information on our KickStarter campaign where we are raising money for props, paint and costumes through selling badges, VIP family tickets and even a dinner date with me. All the money we raise helps us keep ticket prices and membership down so we can include and entertain the whole community.

Carrying on with the club, I have been approached by Thames Valley Police in Iver to create a display regarding home safety this festive season. Did you blow that candle out? Did you lock the doors? Did you leave a light on? If you are in South Bucks and have any 'empty' and wrapped christmas presents you wish to donate, I will be at Iver Flowerland on Saturday morning constructing a makeshift bedroom with PCSO Rav Lewis.

Thank you once again for all your support and feedback on my blog and my Huffington Post articles. Please keep sharing the link to my blog and have a browse of my highlights below xxx 








A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

#equality4mentalhealth   #equality4mentalhealth

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What is the point of it all?

 xx click for full screen xx
Last week I told you how excited I was to be finding positives in my current negative and anxious situation. This week I should be excited as again I'm on the Huffington Post, my radio show is getting good ratings but most of all it is my 26th birthday on Saturday or Hallowe'en. So please tell me why I feel unconvinced about it all?

Why do we all put so much effort in? Whatever problem you are facing or task you are battling, once it is over there will always be something else.I found a poem which I put at the very bottom of this week's post I'd like you to read.

That said, I do understand the completing a task or challenge can be fun and rewarding. I really enjoy making my radio show and writing here and on HuffPost. I find it quite therapeutic and gives me something positive to focus on. Pantomime is coming along well and actually ticket sales are quite good so I am proud about that. On the whole I guess I am looking forward to my birthday; a group of freinds and family gathering to eat sweets, punch local trick or treaters and set off some fireworks. I'm currently debating whether I need The Reckoning Barrage from Tesco.

In good news, I spoke with Vodafone who upgraded me early with no fee to the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+ and I love it. There are a few things I'm a bit iffy over but as the OS updates come through I am sure it will be great. The quality of the screen and the speed of the thing is very impressive. I also got my new washer dryer from AO.com. The product is fine but not overly impressed with their delivery staff - commenting on my flat being cluttered and so on. I have had a few downs this past week but I am trying to power through them. I dealt with the bombardment of my job so I can keep on top now.

This week's post is short as I would love it if you could go and read my latest article on HuffPost called You Give A Little Love and It All Comes Back To You after the song from Bugsy Malone.

 I used to consider myself as somewhere between the Conservatives and the Lib Dems on the UK spectrum but the more this Conservative Government does, the more I am convinced we as a country were safer when the Lib Dems were there in some role.  I'd like to finish on a poem (AT THE END/BOTTOM OF THE POST) which made me deeply think about my suicidal thoughts in the past few days.



Well Billy rapped all night about his suicide
How he kick it in the head when he was twenty-five
Speed jive don't want to stay alive
When you're twenty-five

- All The Young Dudes, Mott the Hoople - on this week's show on SouthWaves Radio!

Thanks again for reading and sharing xxx






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