Under Imaginary Pressure

Everything was pretty good. Well, it still is but last weekend was really good. Two more episodes of our popular (when compared to herpies) podcast OFF THE RADAR are in the editing suite and despite an ill-planned trip to a car hire shop good progress has been made with our holiday to France.  Earlier this week I even broached the subject of my mental health with my line manager who saw that I was on 40mg per day of Fluoxetine (also known as Prozac) and that she knew of people on them too. Perhaps this could be offered as evidence that the stigma of mental health is but a veil and underneath it we all have some understanding which we should mean we have no reason to be embarrassed or wary.

Last Thursday I had a telephone appointment with someone from the Berkshire Mental Health Services Team who had obviously read notes from previous ‘interviews’ as he asked some very well worded and relevant questions. After around 30 minutes he said that my case would be discussed within a team and then it would be taken from there, but 6 days on and I have not heard anything as yet. Some of the questions were to rule out other conditions for example whether I had other voices than my own in my head or if I was scared of the knives in my kitchen drawer.

Part of me wants to make light of this and can see the comedy potential: perhaps life would be more fun if my cutlery did  foxtrot across the stove. At the same time, mental health is a serious condition. Avid followers on my instagram will have seen the recent The Sun newspaper cutting with the story of how suicide is the highest cause of death of males in my age group. “Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma”  is a quote attributed to the late Robin Williams however I also find it can be a way of putting the other person at ease. By making a joke suddenly there is no awkwardness in the conversation and having a laugh can be good fun.

What I am struggling to find any humour in is the nervous feeling that’s been hovering around me. I first noticed it yesterday when my leg was twitching. This isn’t new per se but I normally do it when hyper or stressed or dosed up on my favourite brand of energy drinks. Then at home I just started to feel on edge. Despite feeling tired I found it hard to go asleep and when I did sleep, it wasn’t as deep or long as I would normally enjoy – if you know what I mean ;).  Remember that feeling outside the headteacher’s room when you called a classmate a ‘bitch’ because she used a ruler without your permission (true story!) or the butterflies of confronting an angry customer in your first job? I have nothing to be worrying about, nothing new anyway, and yet here I am leg twitching, wrapping myself in my coat. My big sister, Claire, had a quick research into my medication and anxiety is a documented side-effect which is a bummer. I’ve been really enjoying being quite good and relatively level with a few ups but why can’t I have anything nice?

And the worst side-effect of any mental health conditions is: is this me or is it the condition? Should I be worrying about not hearing from the Berkshire Mental Health team or is it just being anxious?
It is actually quite scary living life at stressed out red alert speed.
“Quick, we’re running out of time!!” “We’ve got to complete the bucket list now”

“Get me dolphin!” “quick quick, will room service have one? Dolphin, bath tub, swim QUICKLY!”

So if anyone wants to hold me and gently rock me to sleep or could go through some mediation techniques with me, then perhaps I can chill out….

Deeeep breaths….

Finally, we have a new segment on our comedy podcast; OffThe Radar. It doesn’t have a name as such mainly because it’s shit but it is soo shit it is good fun – like Eurovision or your face*. In this segment Mr Lee Hall and Mr Aidan Parr dictate a message to an unsuspecting member of Match.com. So if you have received a rather silly message from me – please do reply and play along and please accept my apologies if it has scared you off in anyway.
Perhaps it won’t surprise you to know that to date we have sent two messages and received zero replies.

What message would you send using my Match.com profile? What methods do you use to chillax? Let me know in the comments below.

Be good, have fun and goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEeeEeeeEeee

*LOL, burns unit! 

Post Panto Blues

It is very hard to write a blog post when it feels like there is nothing wrong. In short, I feel fine.

The last time I blogged about my mental health adventure (click here to see it) I was waiting a referral which I am please to confirm did happen.

Last Thursday I met a therapist at Upton Hospital in Slough. From the outside Upton looks like a Victorian mansion that’s been requisitioned into the NHS. In a small corner is the Slough Memory Clinic but once inside it feels like a very clean and modern GP surgery. I was met by a therapist who took me into a ‘Group Therapy’ room. With its high sided armchairs reminded me more of the lounges in care homes where the inmates wait for death. I filled out the same questionnaires that I completed a few weeks ago over the phones – to track any changes I assume – and then I was ‘interviewed’. I think interviewed is the best word to explain it as it didn’t feel like any CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) session I have had. I gave a summary of recent highs including pantomime and the last low. In her opinion, it does sound like bipolar and she said she would refer me to a specialist team who using tools like CBT would help me. At this time, just over a week later, I am yet to receive a letter with an appointment.  

At the time of the meeting I was low; not lowest and not in a bad place but just low. I don’t know if it was that meeting or perhaps some unimportant (in hindsight) news that triggered my crash. Over Thursday night and into Friday morning I crashed to the bottom of my ‘cycle’. I had extremely worrying thoughts even testing whether a belt would take my weight. I severed all contact with the outside world and refused to even acknowledge it. The last thing I felt I could do is socialise with people because it is so draining. Everyone gets those days were we just can’t tolerate that loosed jawed person at work who won’t shut up or that one member of the family everyone limits their time with. I felt that there was no way I could put on the Matt Streuli act at all and I didn’t want people seeing me unable to engage. I know the people reading this will say that “we love you no matter what” and it does mean a lot to hear that. However, I do not love myself and I feel I am burden; a burden I would hate to impose on anyone. If I ever become a burden or severely disabled with age where I do nothing but hinder the lives of others, I would kill myself. I would kill myself in exactly the same way we euthanase pets when it’s the ‘kind’ thing to do. Why am I any different to your cat?

Except that I don’t shit all over your floor.

On Sunday, my close friends Louis and Falcon turned up at my flat. Knocking on doors and windows, they sent me texts demanding to see me. I hid. I pulled my covers over me. I wanted to be alone in a self imposed exile. Everyone was obviously worried about me and my unusual media blackout to the point that Falcon and Louis went to my Dad’s house. My dad called me. My immediate reaction was that I felt betrayed. Rationally I of course understand why they went to my Parents and I am so grateful I have fantastic friends like this. Emotionally I felt betrayed and this isn’t something I can justify. Over the next few days I forced myself to interact with people and apart from a ‘low tolerance’ moment of deleting a certain backstabbing hypocritical bitch from my facebook, I have been coming up the other side of the ditch. I would like to point out that, sometimes, it is worth purging some people from your life as you realise that those people are purely toxic. Yes, that means upsetting people which I do not like BUT I would rather sever the link than continue to be hurt by their nasty behaviour.

I have been to my GP and got another 4 weeks of meds and had my dose doubled. It could just be the placebo effect but acting happy is a lot easier than it was a week ago.

Part of me is looking forward to the next step of my referral but somewhat dreading the inevitable step it brings with it; officially informing my employer.

Now cheer up. Its not all bad.

Thank you once again for reading my blog and please do retweet and youtube and blah.

Did I mention I copresent one of the most popular ‘news’ podcasts on mixcloud? Check out OFF THE RADAR!

Goodbyeeeeeee

Press Release: Resignation from Publicity Officer Role

I hereby confirm that, with immediate effect, I have resigned from my post as Publicity Officer for the Iver Heath Drama Club. 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the club as a whole for its support and efforts especially during the recent Robin Hood pantomime however I have decided that I am no longer able to fulfil both roles up the standard it requires.


I will continue in my position as Vice-Chair of the Iver Heath Drama Club and I look forward to assisting the new Publicity Officer and the Media Sub-Committee.


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