I'll die when I want to

An extra post this week. Don't forget to read my last post which should act as a background to this one.
In it, I vent that it appears to take 304 days from seeing a GP to starting treatment for a mental health condition hence the severe strain on the NHS and the Police who step in during the preventable crisis.

Fifty-four years ago, Suicide was decriminalised in the UK.

Why was it illegal in the first place? Article 2 of the European Convention of Human Rights  states that "Everyone's right to life shall be protected by law" and given that Dying is an inevitable consequence of life, we therefore have a right to die. As long as you are not hurting someone else - where is the crime? Many laws find their basis in religion and the rationale was that suicide was a sin. God, or whichever creator you prefer, gave you life and to end it early is an insult against that supreme being. It was only when the Church of England's view lightened that the Suicide Act of 1961 finally decriminalised the act of taking your own life. 

I have no interest in living forever. In fact, the idea of having to live another 25 years scares me. No ones life is all joy, but when you have had a shitty 25 years you find yourself tiredly weeping; enough is enough. Otherwise, when is it all going to end? I am pretty certain that I will die and it will be because I will have taken my own life. I do not plan to die anytime soon. I am holding on. Holding on to you and that pile of good things. I'm trying but I honestly feel no attachment to staying alive either. Generally speaking, the human race has a great determination to fight no matter what. I write this post simply to explain that it it my life, it is my choice and I will die when I want to.

Prayopavesa is the allowance of suicide in Hinduism but only for those with terminal illness or for those who have no ambition or responsibilities to perform; although the person kills themselves through starvation. Even so, this shows a tolerance for your right to do with your life as you wish - including to end it. Why do I need to have a terminal cancer to have the right to die? Professor Jacob Appel testified in a US court that all competent people have a right to die and that allowing it is the ultimate test of freedom for a modern society and culture. My right to die is as simple a request as your right to love who you love or your right to have a favourite food. As long as your actions do not impact on the happiness of others - you should do as you please.

 and support those with mental health conditions
For me this is where the trouble lies.

Whilst I would not be here to face the consequences, I am all too aware of how my 'black dog' effects those around me. I feel an immeasurable sense of guilt. Perhaps this is why I seal myself away or repeatedly dream of being on a isolated long-haul space flight. This way, I am not dead and therefore unable to inflict pain on those around me whether through my actions in life or actions in taking my life. 
I just don't want to live anymore. I just want to sleep and one day, when I simply can't fight anymore I will not wake up. Please remember that you made my life better even if I couldn't always say it.

I feel horrible just having these thoughts yet - it is my life and I should feel guilt free at doing what I want with it. If I say I don't want to do something, that should be fine! Right?

One other thing does scare me. That after the pain subsides and you all realise that the world will keep spinning regardless - that I will be dead and I will be forgotten. No tombstone or blue plaque. No one will even remember to type my name in online. I will have died, nothing will have changed, nothing will be remember and I will be but dust. I leave no legacy. Perhaps this is why I want an MBE, so that it means I have done something worth remembering and I cannot be forgotten. 

Will I even be a footnote or will my story just gently fade away? I'm so insignificant.

I am holding on. Holding on to you and that pile of good things. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Vincent Van Gogh had demons and he took his own life. He left a legacy of amazing paintings which were unappreciated in his life. However, he did leave his mark. In an episode of Doctor Who, Amy is heartbroken that despite her love and the joy they shared, Van Gogh still committed suicide just as he had done before she and the Doctor had their adventure with him. "We didn't make a difference at all" Amy wept.

Below is the Doctor's reply and I hope it brings you some comfort and understanding whether it is my suicide or someone elses you are trying to comprehend. We know the idea of wanting to die is alien to you - as alien as enjoying life is to us - but take these words from a geeky British TV show written by Richard Curtis and maybe you can have some comfort and understanding of our minds.

 We didn't make a difference at all. 


 I wouldn't say that.  The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.
The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. 

        And we definitely added to his pile of good things. 

Thank you for reading and being in my pile of good things.
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Goodbye xx

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

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