I'm not happy. It feels like it's getting worse - which is an achievement as I thought I had already visited rock bottom.
The happiest I've been in the past week was presenting a quiz at my work on Thursday and getting drunk alone watching House on Saturday night.
The rest of the time I feel overwhelmed. I've feel I have been pushing my friends away although my brain feels that society is pushing me away - I'm unwelcome. I'm fat and horrible.
Something has to change. But I don't know what or how.
If I could win the lottery I would lock my door and never come out again. I don't want to keep fighting just to survive.
I don't enjoy drama anymore. I could rant but why bother. And apart from drama I have nothing.
I am nothing.
AND yet you all seem to think I'm funny and some local celebrity.
I've burnt out and I'm alone.
Anyway. On a more cheery note, I'm in panto in January and I uploaded a special video of pics and videos from set build and rehearsals this month. Buy tickets at www.ihdc.co.uk. Or see the video at www.youtube.com/MattStreuli (it'd be great if other people did some advertising at their work or through social media) #iwontrant
Ok. Im having a low moment.
Not sure what the trigger is but I have been quite happy for a few weeks so the karma of bipolar was due. Ooh look pictures. Merry Xmas btw.
Perhaps I have been watching too much House (an American TV series starring Hugh Laurie and not a place of residence) but ive re-examined my patient history. My mother and likely her father both have / had a history of alcohol addiction. Both were heavy smokers. Sticking with my mother as I have personal memories to go by, I've always assumed she drank to deal with the pain of ruining a marriage through multiple affairs including the first bf I met who hit her at least once. Fucking your life up like that would drive you to drink, especially as two close friends died around the same time and your boss gets wasted in his office on miniatures - I can see where the inspiration for the coping mechanism came from.
But what if it wasn't just a coping mechanism but also a symptom. A symptom of a mental health issue.
We've all understood for a while that alcohol and perhaps addictive personality traits could be genetic - we all know of a family of drunks or druggies and whilst some of it is nuture I think alot more is nature. Or to be more precise I agree with some physiologists who suggest that our brain nature is altered by nuture - for example major events especially in childhood and teenage years when the brain is forming.
What if my brain nature was already predisposed to mental health issues and the nature of my childhood - drunks and death - simply exacerbated the issue.
If this is the case then the alcoholism was a coping mechanism for their lives which they couldn't handle due to their genetic preposition for mental health issues.
What makes me think that alcoholism is a symptom and not the virus?
I am not an alcoholic. I can go weeks without drinking and then only have one pint or if it's a night out get very drunk and then take a week to recover. But I do have mental health issues. Perhaps my genetic preposition is the same but my coping mechanism is not.
All of them seem better than becoming addicted to any substance just to ease the pain. But I guess if that was the measure then we would all recommended people cut themselves (cutting releases endorphins and the brain focuses on that and the new pain signal).
Ive thought I was wired differently for a long time - especially recently when I wrote a blog post explaining how I took comfort in knowing how I will kill myself (not planning to do it in the next few years, I want to see marriages and babies first).
What if my brain nature was already predisposed to mental health issues and the nature of my childhood - drunks and death - simply exacerbated the issue?
Is there anyway to change my nature?
Or are you going to tell me that I have to try harder?
Because some days, I just can't anymore.
If you are wondering what you can do to support mental health please look at making a pledge with Time To Change (and organisation trying to end the stigma surrounding mental health) and why not join me and become a member of the charity MIND.
In more cheerful youtube news I am opening a Doctor Who Advent calendar each day this month and I have two new recent videos: in one I eat a peanut butter Twix and then my sister says "I will cut you because you can sing" (sic) in the other. Go now to www.youtube.com/MattStreuli and like and stuff.
Two things I wanted to quickly write up.
Today I can visited one of a five main hubs for a major UK and European courier. Next time you click order on a site like Amazon remember the fantastic people who are working 24hrs a day in warehouses and logistics to get that parcel to you next day: business or leisure.
That item is picked and then packed. Then collected by a courier and taken to a local depot. On it goes to a central hub. From there it is sorted into a batch and loaded to a lorry to go to your local depot to reach you. All while your asleep. All for very Little cost. Well done. And a personal thanks to TNT who do a great job and work incrediblely hard to beat expectations and if it does ever go wrong - they sort it.
Oh and the second thing...
Here is my latest lootcrate video. Battle!
LootCrate Nov2014 'Battle' ∞ MATT STREULI: http://youtu.be/5cRCBMglNVA
Like and share!
I love you all.
When someone makes a throwaway comment that wasn't throwaway for you....
I'm sorry if I have been annoying any of you.
I was in a manic state at the end of last week and have been returning to normal this week. From comments made it is obvious that despite feeling better than ever about myself and achieving more than normal I have been either annoying or irritating: if not these emotions exactly then similar as those involved do not wish to spend long periods of time with me.
As a previous tweet suggests I am quite hurt by it but I never know whether I am right to feel that way or its just 'Matt playing up again'. And this won't stop looping around my brain.
Maybe I'm not funny... Maybe im a pain?
@mattstreuli's Tweet: https://twitter.com/mattstreuli/status/522514881753661440
Either way I'm going to take a break from social media completely including my blog, Twitter and my youtube. There are some videos I uploaded and scheduled which will still appear over the next few weeks but nothing else and I will do my best not to promote them so I don't pester anyone.
I'm also sorry that I'm not using this blog post to congratulations and a heart well done to the teens of IHDC for their efforts at the Woking Drama Festival. They did a fantastic job of representating our small club and I am immensely proud of them.
So I am currently taking part in some free on-line further eduction courses and the first one to start is surround the topic of mental health.
Now I am meant to be reading articles and watching videos but I was distracted by a report in the further reading list - it is labled as a introduction to mental health and psychology.
I would argue we are all mentally ill – just varying degrees of it. Discuss :)
You can find out more about this course and other free courses at https://www.futurelearn.com/
I would argue we are all mentally ill – just varying degrees of it. I would also argue that alot of people are pushed further from the median by the weight of living.
In Two weeks I have published 7 videos onto my YouTube channel; three with thanks to the Ice Bucket Challenge. If you have been living in a Chilean mine (topical humour in 2010) then you might not of seen the flash flood of videos storming social media where people pour iced water over themselves to promote their charities, mostly ALS who are an American charity for Motor Neurone Disease. My good buddy Lee Hall has written a blog post about it and about his trials in getting his book published. You should go read it, and sign his mailing list. But only after this.
So, in case you have missed any of my YouTube videos here is the quick run down! (In reverse age order. There is a test at the end.)
It was Lee's birthday and we surprised him. Here is the unedited footage which will wet your taste buds ready for Aidan's fully edited masterpiece.
It's been 11 Years since my mother died. I did plan a rather heartfelt interview but nature and a iffy microphone set up lead to hours of work and a 'bodge job'. Here is the result which briefly, when measure in views in first 24hrs, was my most popular video ever.
In at five is my first Unboxing video of Loot Crate. It's a Geeky thing. A treasure trove mixed of stuff I love and stuff I am now discovering. Watch and be jealous!
I get cold and wet. Thanks.
Claire gets cold and wet at www.ihdc.co.uk
Want to hear me ruin a great summer hit? Well give me a box and off we go. Get Lucky.
AND finally Aidan 'Catherine of' Parr gets cold and wet too.
Now... have you been paying attention? Did you subscribe to my YouTube Channel?
CLICK HERE FOR THE TEST AND YOU COULD WIN BIG or do it below.
You have until midday BST on Saturday 6th September to enter/complete. Good luck!
Just as a preface - I am currently off work with a torn tendon in my foot/ankle and I am on some strong painkillers whilst I regain my foot use hence the lack of posts and the dopey video I posted last week - linked.
Is it normal to think about how I want to kill myself?
For many years I've had suicidal thoughts but the difference is that over the past 6 or so months of anti depressants the thoughts have been less severe. And yet I have always taken comfort in knowing how I want to die and a plan of action if I did need to do it.
However my preferred method, a rather painless and gore-less option, has been in the media spotlight.
My first choice would be to suffocate myself using Nitrous Oxide (also known as NO2 or laughing gas). You will have probably been given it by your dentist or of you have used 'gas and air' during childbirth. As the name suggests in medicine it is mixed with oxygen even so the drug causes drowsiness and pain relief. In a high enough concentration it becomes euphoric and, much like breathing only helium from a balloon, I would fill my lungs and use a medical mask to ensure that even as I lost consciousness due to the lack of oxygen in my lungs and blood that as I gasp for air I still only breath in NO2 until I cease to be.
It baffles me how you all live your lives without such a plan in place. Even if in the short term at least I have no plan to execute it.
However due to youngsters using it recreationally the gas or drug depending on your view has gained attention in the UK with one mourning family asking for tighter restrictions.
Outside of its medical applications, laughing gas is used in vehicles (Nitro boost etc) and in whipped cream. In fact those using the drug to get high are buying cartridges meant for whipped cream dispensers and inhaling it via a balloon. One canister is one deep breath. At the moment anyone in the UK can buy these whipper bulbs and as you can see from the below they are not expensive.
Compared to other end of life methods this is the least messy, stressful or painful and is in fact euphoric. Compared to an overdose it is even quite cheap.
Which begs the question - do I stock up now whilst it is relatively easy to obtain or wait and be prepared this option maybe closed off depending on press pressure and politics?
Once again I do not plan on killing myself this week or even this year and if I felt I had to do it I would find another method but this sweet smelling and sugary tasting gas seemed to be the solution.
Rumour has it some states in the US are looking at laughing gas to replace their current capital punishment methods but is it just that the murderer dies 'laughing'?
Still that's a topic for another day.
Should their be a greater restriction on Nitrous Oxide? Is it worrying I'm worried that there will be?
Comment below or why not retweet or repost on Tumblr with your thoughts.
As a side note, my best bud is writing a blog covering a range of topics including trying to get his fiction book published or even self published. Lee Hall's blog is available here so go click. http://lahallwriter.wordpress.com
To quote Mr Green's hometown "DFTBA"
Don't forget to be awesome.
Oh and the ankle? When I'm not doped up on codine it is still really painful but I am slowly putting more weight on it. Hopefully no crutches soon and I might be able to drive again Xx
Oh and I also walked on fire. Well hot coals. It's certainly mind over matter but still baffles me that it is OK for me to do that on the company insurance but not to drive to the event in my own car... #smh
So let's take this opportunity to recap on things you might of missed.
First off is an Outside Broadcast special of OFF THE RADAR. Aidan, Lee and myself recorded this a couple of weeks ago after the final performance of that play I was in. Gripping stuff I tell you. We discuss a whole smorgasbord of topics including but not limited to She-Wees and beer. Aidan's disclaimer reads "PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS EDITION OF OFF THE RADAR WAS RECORDED ON LOCATION WITH LIMITED EQUIPMENT. TO THIS END, THE SOUND QUALITY MAY NOT BE UP TO THE DESIRED STANDARDS. AS NORMAL, OFF THE RADAR CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE, AND FLASHING IMAGES FROM THE OUTSET."
Next up is my new YouTube videos. There is the youngsters of the Iver Heath Drama Club performing "A Midsummer's Nights Dream" which having watched I was thoughly impressed with. The Lighting effects by James Pearce of Pearce Sound and Light are amazing. I would take my hat off to all those involved if I was wearing one.The adult show featuring moi will appear in August - so make sure you click like, subscribe, share, comment and all of the buttons on YouTube.
Then next up is an assortment of clips from our trip to Brighton which looking back was almost a month ago. I am pleased to confirm that my fellow co-stars who for legal reasons I will call Louise Theochari and Eagle Garman are now in a relationship and have spent more time in each other's mouths then not. There is a special feature clip which I would class as soft porn. Anyway click here for the first clip from this lovely series in which we sing a ditty or two.
Oh and just before we go, a bit of selfless plugging - although that sounds incredibly rude - the Iver Heath Drama Club is already promoting panto! Click that link to get to our county newspaper and see Louis Theochari and Lee Hall looking lovely.
Right - I'm off to see a specialist about my neck. From the car crash.
Oh and the blog title? Well on 18th April 1930 on BBC Radio they announced there was no news. Nothing. Now of course this was a Good Friday in the 1930's which for those you under the voting age might call the dark ages as they had no television or internet. The BBC announcer played some light piano music until normal programming resumed. Well, our version of piano music is this blog.
In honour, Mr Simpson has written as short eulogy for each member of the BSC over the year and here is mine:
Matt’s striking resemblance to a character from the Pixar movie Toy Story 2 formed the basis of his pathological hatred of toys, nurseries and anything child-related, such was the extent of the teasing and bullying he suffered since the film’s release in 1999. Matt’s showbiz connections are further reaching, however, and in addition to being the inspiration for the character Will in Channel 4’s The Inbetweeners, he is actively involved in the Iver Heath Amateur Dramatic Society where he sees himself as Slough’s answer to George Lucas, although his fellow thespians see him more as a Matt Lucas figure.
RIP PT Customer Service and I wish my comrades the very very best for their future.
Meanwhile, in my current role, can I tell you how amazing Bosch Car Batteries are? Why don't you get a new one fitted at your nearest Bosch Car Service? :)
Also, congrats to Falcon and Louis who are now exchanging oral juices. If anyone else is looking for love I seem to be good at setting others up - just not myself.
Oh - and I am going to kill myself dressed as Elmo tomorrow. That's something to look forward to.
Happy independence day!
mental illness marked by periods of great excitement or euphoria, delusions, and overactivity.
Some organisations only recognise mania if it lasts more than seven days and for some people mania is almost a crippling disability.
Maybe I don't truly have bi-polar as my manic episodes are hard to point out. My memory just seems to remember a really good week rather than the crippling mania that some people suffer. I write this after about 5 days last week in which I think I was manic. Well I was really happy. So happy I find it irritating.
I laughed out loud. Something which I rarely do as I sound like a cat being put through a mangle. The sun was shining, it was but the whole world took on this magical glow. I felt as if I was bursting with creativity and dispite my best efforts I slept for around 2-3 hours each night and barely felt sleepy the next day. Life is fantastic and I suddenly had more time for it.
Normally, I would return to status quo for a few weeks until I either suddenly crash into my deep depression or I gently slide there.
However, a few days after my mania has gently slid down to normality, I am experiencing something new.
I AM PISSED OFF.
I am sooo angry. I have one or two reasons to be angry but if I am brutally honest with myself I would normally brush them off - except in a depressive state.
So, have I started to cycle faster than once a month? Am I now feeling anger instead of self loathing? As bizarre as it may sound to you I'd rather hate myself and this stupid fucking planet that be this angry.
“Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”
― Laurence J. Peter
I sincerely hope that rather than continue to stomp and scream against Pinewood, that the the local NO campaign now stomps and screams to make sure that the fantastic villages/towns of Iver Heath, Richings Park, Wexham and Iver all get to benefit from this in every way.
The No campaign had some very valid points and I sincerely hope they will work WITH Pinewood, WITH South Bucks District Council, WITH the UK government and WITH me to make sure that the world benefits from great entertainment and that our local community benefits just as much as the Pinewood Group does. Your fight is not over - it has evolved. We must keep a healthy balance between the two. We cannot let them 'have their cake and eat it'.
I beg local councils not to waste money on an appeal but to spend the time and resources instead in supporting the local community create a 'Pinewood' Watchdog, perhaps part of the Ivers Community Action Group, to ensure that our community and our country gets 110% of what it deserves.
I am Vice-Chairman of the Iver Heath Drama Club and I am sure some you reading this will be questioning my intent. Good. Never take things at face value. Always question why people are saying what they say.
Otherwise in 20 years time we will all look at Iver Heath, at a failing Pinewood whose business moved to their other sites overseas where people wanted to work, and at town that resembles a retirement home rather than the family orientated Ivers we love today.
I'll be honest I have answered one of their texts before in which I asked them who I would marry. Either a clever IT system or a bored Uni student then preceeded to google my name and hometown before picking a random facebook friend. It was a bit of fun. Probably too expensive but still banter.
But I would not trust a Uni Student in Latvia or a computer system in Belguim to investgate whether my gf is cheating or if I should leave her. What worries me more so that the question "Is my Gf cheating?" appears to be as important as finding out "What was number 1 when I was born?"
If you aren't sure you love someone, then make an effort with them.
If you suspect they are cheating then either you are insecure or they don't show you the love and attention you deserve.
There is some advice which didn't cost £2.50 per message.
Also I hope Joanna and Emma don't read this and realise that if they take this seriously they may have to share me.
There is a lot to share.
www.YouTube.com/MattStreuli about 5:30pm (13/6/14) Go look :)
Random lights lit the path between partition walls, departments and teams.
My desk, dimly lit, reflected out of me.
30 clicks of 30 switches flickered florescent tubes to life.
Alone in the office and yet everything was now bright.
Underneath, it seems to be a facade.
Under the light, the bright colours, teams of unsatisfied unthanked minions will toil.
The posters and colours seem so fake.
Issues and errors draining efficiency, enthusiasm and belief.
You want the truth?
The dimly lit office suited me so much better than this Artificial Light.
Click on pictures to make them bigger....
|Michelle Ben on Facebook. And no Jesus isn't talking to that bird. Dr Doolittle he aint.|
*a bit of gossip for you there.
So I did what any of you would of done, I started talking to her with the aim of seeing if she really was a Nurse let alone an American one. Having run a few names past my fellow American lady to see if they were recognisable I went ahead thinking the person claiming to be Michelle Ben would at least Google the names or facts or locations. But oh no.... Even Terrorist Extortionists put too much faith in this and seem to be believe every fact I produce. Before we start I just want to apologise if I do offend you - this is not my intent - and I do not mean to make light of any heinous crimes they committed it was purely to test whether they were American or were even googling what I was saying. Well you will see...
Also I would like to point out that my Dad is fine. I did lose him in Miniland when I was 10 but the kind people gave me a balloon or something and reunited me shortly after. I remember getting lost in the Tank Museum and getting a free poster. There's a lesson here kids; get lost.
Anyway back to this muppet who you will quickly gather cannot be a Nurse and is unlikely to be from the US.
Firstly it is 7:10pm. Britian's Got Talent is on. For those of you unfamiliar with the format some talented people and some not so talented people that no one has been nice enough to tell them so perform in front of David Williams (a fantastic comedian and author), Simon Cowell (the man responsable for slitting the musical throat of our great nation and drinking its blood), Alisha Dixon (she won Strictly Come Dancing I think and once had a song that was in the top 10) and a blonde woman whose name escapes me but she was in Shrek the Musical for few weeks. As you might infer I have no time for this which I was I answered her.
Click on pictures to elarge them!
|I said Who are you? not How are you...|
My real name is the same as my website, YouTube channel and Facebook and believe me, I am the only Matt Streuli. Go on, have a look. See? So what is my real name? Well, lets pick a convicted child murderer to see if she will google it...
And proof she/he has not bothered to google my name... I'm not a pervert or a stalker but even I do that... But she has visited my profile to see my hometown is Slough. Perhaps it is becuase I live in Slough, but if I was to visit the UK I would go to one of our fantastic cities: Edinburgh, Cardiff, Manchester, London or Belfast. Not the shit hole called Slough...
Note 3: Slough is not near Manchester Airport. It is near Heathrow. They are 3hours apart by car.
And kids, if you only take one lesson from today it is getting lost gets you free things. If you can take two lessons, then also take that you "only like to treat people good".
Note: Ian Brady would be hungry. He is on hunger strike in a mental health ward still serving his life in prison term. Again, I do not wish to cause offence but I would of thought she would of googled the names by now and blocked me... on we go...
Hardworking? Yes that describes me.... *cough*
And yes Digging. She's not getting it is she/he/it?
Perhaps I'll try someone more infamous...
How many Kid do you have? well the correct answer is zero. I have no goats.
I'm still giggling at my reply. Do you think she's beginning to see I'm not taking this seriously?
And if you don't know what Effluent means you would google it surely? And realise a sewage plant is not really a tourist attraction. Maybe it is to her? Maybe she specialises in rectal exams ?
I'd like to point out that to my knowledge there was never a picture of Mr Harris being danced around in Slough but weirder things have happened.
Myra has been quiet of late. Perhaps due to her death 12 years ago.
Note: Mason Jar from the bottom. if you do not get the reference consider yourself lucky.
Do you like my method of telling her I was going to the toilet?
That's a sentence you'd never thought you'd read.
Please do share this if it made you smile if not please do email MichelleBen32@yahoo.com and I am sure she will talk to you about her plans to visit the giant picture of Ant and Dec.
Remember to be good to the Hut People and only be good to people.