Work Vs Play #BipolarAndMe

  This week I should probably be writing about all the attention being focused on mental health but instead I would like to direct you to a fantastic blog (to read afterward mine of course :P ) which do a much better job than I. Clare or Brizzlelass wrote a brilliant post about Bipolar day and was open, honest and positive - something which is an extreme challenge to do. I currently have two diagnoses: bipolar and borderline personality disorder. They are similar and have some crossovers but either way stress doesn't help my condition.

Meanwhile I wanted to vent some frustrations with my employment. I was promised that we would be OK but we are far from it. I am sure if I looked at everything without emotion or morale it would be alright; but our species is human and not Vulcan so the rationale is braided with emotion. If any of my management are reading this then you are welcome to offer me redundancy. It would allow me to have a few months off so I could focus on my backup career without the fear that I am going to have a mental breakdown and kill myself because of you. Sorry. It is not the cheery or optimistic view I tried to have last week.

A message that others have tried to pass onto me, especially in group therapy, is that we should accept what we can do. Do what you can. The issue is, I know WE could do it better. In some cases, we used to.

So let's move onto to a place where I can make a difference and provide a great service with a great product. The great product in this case is our pantomimes. Below is the press release for our KICKSTARTER appeal. A few quid from everyone who reads this blog would help pay for paint and costumes - some of the things we are really struggling to afford. The links and info is below along with some lovely pictures. Please comment, share and like.

Thanks xx

Drama Club ‘Kickstarts’ Community Pantomime

Local Drama club turns to crowdfunding in a battle against rising overheads and to fund the show.

Money raised is being used to fund costumes and props for the forthcoming pantomime, DICK WHITTINGTON, which you can find more information about on our website (www.ihdc.co.uk) and Facebook (facebook.com/IverHeathDramaClub). Without help, the club faces an uncertain future with constant increases in costs such as insurance and royalties.

The Iver Heath Drama Club was founded in 1948 and meets every week. It has over 30 members  of all ages and a range of abilities. The community drama club is funded by ticket sales and donations but with rising overheads they are looking for inventive ways to keep the group open. Earlier this year the club turned to social media asking local residents to donate any leftover paint to help offset the costs. The next show is a pantomime called DICK WHITTINGTON which will be performed in January . Local mother Vikki Alone said “We are an all-inclusive club established in 1948 for all ages and abilities. Our shared passion for drama has enabled us to become a cornerstone in our community, providing a safe and nurturing environment for our youngsters and adults alike.”

Kickstarter campaigns operate under an “all-or-nothing” funding model so if the Drama Club doesn’t reach its goal then group goes empty-handed. Be sure to follow them on Twitter and Facebook to follow their progress and make sure to spread the word to your social media networks.  Consider donating as little as £3 to help their project come to life.  If you decide to donate more, you could buy VIP family tickets to the pantomime in January or even a date with the Dame.

The club played a vital role in the building of the current Iver Heath Village Hall which it continues to call home and to this day maintains the stage lights and stage for the club, hall and other hirers to use. The club charges a £2 for youth and £3 for adults a week membership fee and has the lowest pantomime ticket prices in our region.

Local primary school teacher Jo Williams said “I met my husband at IHDC and now our son goes. We need to make sure that IHDC keeps going so my grandson and his children go there too.”

MORE INFO IS ON OUR WEBSITE : www.ihdc.co.uk
 

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If you’d like more information about the Project, or to schedule an interview with Carol or Matt please call  07941 818 621 or send them a Tweet @ihdc
 
Since Kickstarter was launched, on April 28, 2009, 9.6 million people have backed a project, $2 billion has been pledged, and 93,515 projects have been successfully funded. For more information please contact press@kickstarter.com

Dick Whittington is our Pantomime this year!! Please invite all your friends to come along and join in the fun! Join this event for all details and exciting updates! Maybe even some sneaky peaks!
Posted by Iver Heath Drama Club on Tuesday, 6 October 2015

 

Justgiving - This will help fund the costumes and props for our forthcoming pantomime, DICK WHITTINGTON,... http://t.co/kB4YkGxKx1

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) October 6, 2015

 

Running water found on mars, Protests at cereal bars, The Moon is turning blood red, Cameron boned a pig head, WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE

— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) September 28, 2015

He can't believe how tidy my flat is either

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Oct 3, 2015 at 11:04am PDT

Allergic to Distress

This week started with the 12th anniversary of my Mother's. I never quite know what to feel or if I should feel anything - surely enough time has passed? The past few weeks have been an amazing holiday in France, despite a wobble or two.

At this moment I'm nervous about returning to work tomorrow. I know my friends and colleagues will have done a brilliant job but just what chaos awaits? I've already heard some office gossip which makes my return more draining. On my return I have a meeting with HR regarding my report from my psycologist and the company Doctor. Between those meetings and today I have had an anxiety attack and been practising my mindfulness.

See more at the bottom of this
 post or twitter: @mattstreuli

The rest of this post is some self assigned homework which I am writing to help myself process what was covered in today's group therapy and perhaps explain the logic or the 'processprogramme.exe' in my brain ready for that HR meeting but also to help you understand what could be be going on inside the RAM of someone with mental health issues.



Distress Intolerance is the clinical way of describing a fear or issues handling negative feelings and in turn the situation that caused them. Sometimes it could be the anxiety about a meeting with your HR or even the act of trying to bury a difficult memory rather than confront and process it. In this context, distress could be any upsetting or unpleasant feeling such as sorrow, fear, anger or panic.Not all negative feelings are distressing, sometimes we all feel a little sad or if  your watching a jumpy film such as Alien or a horror film like Scream you might even enjoy that panic or fear. In fact, distress is when we feel the negative feeling and we therefore feel bad about it; for example I often feel stupid for feeling low or apply tougher standards to myself then I would to any other person.

One one hand, it makes sense to avoid situations, events or memories that cause us pain and so this allergy to distress or things that make you feel negative could just be an inbuilt protection method. But, for myself and others who do not process emotions safely and effectively, this protection system is in overload. My fear, anxiety and avoidance of the 'distress' actually exacerbates the original problem. An example? I have an issue at work, but I also have other responsibilities at work and I am worried about meeting my high standards and the repercussions if I can't keep up from the customer, my management but also myself. Rather than allow myself to focus on the main problem and therefore complete it to my actual best ability, more of the mental capacity goes on worrying and avoiding the problem or the feelings that are attributed.

So why do I allow myself to magnify and then spiral out of control?

 It is an in built fear that I will ruin everything triggered by the event (meeting with HR or return to work, or a confrontation with a customer or a friend) and it will end in disaster. I will let people down. I will be a burden. I will be in trouble. A disaster that is my fault, even if I know that I am not to blame (delays to my deliveries by strikes in Calais or something outside my remit.
This grows.

I know that whilst I feel like this, I know that it is not the truth. The facts are we all have problems and we all make mistakes. If anyone at work or play was to come to me with the problems or symptoms I present, I would never say they are not trying hard enough. We would all go the extra mile to support them. I know this and yet I feel the exact opposite. This in turn presents frustrations: it is wrong to feel this way, I am weak, I am bad, I am going mad, I am losing control, I cannot cope, I cannot continue and ultimately I want peace and therefore I want to die.

There are three ways of coping with this overactive protective system.

Avoidance - Avoid the problem.
Confrontation is a big issue for me so I hate answering the phone and opening my post. When I am wobbly already I avoid things such as socialising also. This works but leads to fear and anxiety as you begin to avoid more and more situations - will I suddenly become a hermit?
Another method is seeking reassurance. I do this online through twitter and Elefriends but also through my close friends. Am I right to react the way I am? Is this fair? Are they in a mood with me? Am I under attack? Did I do something wrong? At work this is working closely with my colleagues and my line managers to check I am going in the right way. On one hand this limits my independence but it reassures me and prevents mistakes, but it also hinders things I know I am confident it yet I don't feel safe due to the attack or repercussions.
Finally, distraction. I know I am worrying about something I cannot change. So distract myself. Put on a comedy I know I like to do things with friends or bury myself in work. It only works in the very short term but with mindfulness it is a good coping mechanism. Only short term though as it never resolves the problem.

Numbing & Withdrawing
Some people turn to drink or drugs to help cope with their situations. I sometimes binge eat - got to love tea and biscuits or crispy M&Ms right? I also over sleep. When I am low or triggered, I go from a 7 hours of good sleep to 9 or 10 hours of fetal position trying to sleep yet feeling awful. Isolated and useless, I am rotting in the perpetual loop of mental questions I posed above; I isolate myself such as Am I right to react the way I am? Is this fair? Are they in a mood with me? Am I under attack? Did I do something wrong? Earlier this year I posted a blog about my friends coming to my flat and then going to my Dad's house when I refused to communicate online or let them in. They were scared I might be dead because I never disappear online.

Harmful Releases
For me, this is self harm. I cut myself with a stanley knife or crafts scalpel. This provides a sudden relief. The brain releases good-feeling endorphins but also the physical pain overrides the mental one. Other people go from self harm to burning themselves and even physical violence. I even self-harmed whilst on holiday. The bit that society doesn't want to admit is that self-harm seems to work. It gets me out of the rotting I mentioned earlier and back to functioning but it leaves scars. Whilst on holiday my 12 year old sister asked me in the pool why I had two scabs in lines on my upper arm and why there were light white lines with it. If anyone else had asked I would give the honest answer yet I froze.

These mechanisms in combination or alone depending on the situation work for me but they are not ideal and lead to other problems in our lives as I hope I have hinted.

But over the past few months I have asked for more help and hopefully not been as harsh or horrible to myself as I have before.

The question is- how do I break the cycles that take me to using binge eating, oversleeping, self-isolation in bed drained of all energy, the increasing fear and anxiety, the deterioration I feel in dealing with difficult situations and self-harm.

Thank you for reading - sorry it has been light on humour and heavy on mental health theory! Do you use these methods? How did you break the cycle? Messages of support, love and proposals of marriage are welcome... hehe As always please have a browse of my blog and comment here or on twitter .

Below is some pictures and videos from my holiday.

Off The Radar Movie - France extra/ in the face: http://t.co/YwTmlFMNyo via @YouTube

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) August 9, 2015

Now deep breaths as I ponder... Do I go back to work or is it time for pastures new? Thanks again! Much love xxx

http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/126268830428/feelings-dont-fade-they-just-change

Posted by Carol Campling on Monday, 3 August 2015

I liked a @YouTube video from @emmablackery http://t.co/MUV4WfthEQ Five Things I Want You To Hear

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) August 9, 2015

#nofilter #pool #summer Www.Mattstreuli.uk

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Aug 3, 2015 at 7:12am PDT

#boobsinthethumbnail #sexappearl
 #cutecouple #SH4CF #havebabies!!

My first group therapy session and my first anxiety attack.

I was no more nervous than any other appointment with a GP. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect but I've performed in front of 120 people and presented powerpoints in front of 50 or more. Yet the moment I sat in that chair, I went from being nervous to paralysed. I was petrified.

Last week I felt rather jovial. In fact my blog was light hearted. Perhaps it is a side effect of living a day or two at a time but I had not put much thought into the group session on Monday. It didn't worry me. I have sat in many meetings whether at work or at drama however I feel the difference is that I never enter those blind. You might imagine that group sessions look like AA meetings, and in some regards it did. We sat in a circle and I immediately froze. Feeling unable to look up from a small watch battery or whatever it was on the floor, I felt under attack or being judged; even though the others seemed like quite nice people.

We have to be careful what we can say as I wouldn't want to betray the trust in the room but they all seemed to be thoughtful and caring people although they were all older than me so perhaps this is why they were less nervous and more able to contribute. I hope your opinion of me is that I am thoughtful and articulate yet yesterday I was dumbfounded. That is word I have only ever used to me shocked or flabbergasted but I was actually so dumb that I couldn't construct sentences or engage with the group like normal Matt would.

Every 10 or 15 minutes the psychologist in charge would ask people questions to reinforce their learning and check their understanding. I have done this myself when training people. Yet when he turned to me, I could barely engage him. I can't even recall my first answer but it was gibberish.

Hearing someone talk about how their behaviour and mental health affected their children was hard. Did my mother ever think about that?

I wanted to flee.  My heart wasn't racing but was like a large sub-woofer pounding my chest and jaw grew stiff as if clamped into place. I had to get away but my legs were frozen.The last question he asked was how we felt that very second at the end of session one. I felt scared and angry.

Scared for reasons I have yet to fathom. Angry because I can do this and yet I had let myself down.
Scared because I fear I am getting worse. Angry because I am trying.
Scared because I am ill. Scared I am letting you down. Angry because it isn't fair.

Photoset: The day I had an anxiety attack… When im Feeling better I shall write about it on my blog... http://t.co/1RerFX7EDu

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) July 13, 2015

The moment the session was over I walked with pace to my car. After a few minutes trying to calm down I drove straight to my Doctor's surgery.

I spent the afternoon with my Dad. Being driven by instinct, I knew I had to be warm and safe. After a few mugs of tea and "chewing the fat" by the time my little sister was home from school, my fear and panic had started to pass. I just felt frustrated. Why had this happened to me? I can easily talk to a group and I can easily speak about how I feel so why me? Why today?

My GP has given me Propranolol as a 'pill in my pocket' and it works well. After listening to 'I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue' on the iPlayer I put on some meditation music and dosed my way to a full nights sleep. I love sleep. #favourite. 

Today, I feel OK. I'm not angry. I'm not low. I feel a bit light-headed and dopey. By light-headed, I don't mean faint. I am floating slightly above my head. Does that sound mad? It is really off-putting. Anyway, my pulse now is 67bpm.


I have written to my GP and my Psychologist. I am scared I am getting worse. My anxiety is definitely worse and from chatting with my 'Big Sis' I have been more 'edgy' and easier to offend than before. What an awful way to end a brilliant weekend. I will just keep living one day at a time trying to survive.

#anxiety www.MattStreuli.uk

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Jul 13, 2015 at 12:49pm PDT

a new @IHDC video! http://t.co/r6zjE5dy2I

— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) July 12, 2015

Thank you Big Sis! Xx #sister #tea #moonpig

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Jul 12, 2015 at 6:10am PDT

What should I expect? Have you ever done group therapy? I have my first session tomorrow morning  #nervous #mentalhealth #NHS #cmhs #grouptherapy #talkingtherapy #psychologist

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on Jul 12, 2015 at 3:57pm PDT

Hyper Thursday

Hellloooooo

Can anyone tell that I’ve gone a bit manic? I feel giggly, girly, excited and funny. If normal Matt was here, I’d be irritating the fuck out of him. LOL   I guess I have been pretty happy all week too! YAY

Anyway thank you for coming to my blog. Did you read about my adventures in Hemel Hempstead (over 60 views!! Thanks!) or see the Lib Dem’s response to my mental health plea (in association with MIND, the mental health charity)? Click the hyperlinks and have browse. Your feedback and comments are always welcome. Xxxxxx

So I had planned to write about fluid genders and we as humans like to label things to help us understand them and identify them. It’s due to our natural programming of recognising patterns such as stars in the sky or babies recognising the pattern or layout of a smiling face. But I can’t stop my leg twitching and I have I Feel Fantastic on a perpetual loop in my head. Loopy loop. Loooop. Anyone wanna hug?

  

I’m looking to buy a folding bike. Anyone got one? I’m looking at this one here from Argos. It’s cheap so probably cheerful. I really wanna go cycling. But I shouldn’t. I can’t afford it. But I want to.

Anyway, keep an eye on my YouTube (www.YouTube.com/MattStreuli) there is a special video on coming tonight but only if you watch my vlog and share it on your twatters and bookfacers and share my blog. It is a skinny version of me.

I saw the latest Avengers film – really good. It just felt like it was lacking the tension that other Marvel films have. They went into the final battle without a clear plan which made it feel a bit ad hoc but maybe I’m being annoying. Looking forward to the weekend: either going to Brighton with my best buddies or if it is wet I’m trying to convince them to go to Bletchley Park – the home of the code braking team with Alan Turing who founded the world of computing we know today.

Right better go now before I type any more nonsense. I really wanna go cycling or perhaps I could make some videos for our Off the Radar Election Special – although part of me just wants to watch Channel 4 with Jon Snow and David Mitchell. But before I do sod off have a look at this bizarre twitter account. He keeps asking me to sit on the crown from this month’s LootCrate. Yes, seriously.

Fellow BPD people: how do you cope being so hyper? This is an incoherent mess and part of me is annoyed by it.

                   BYE

I’m sure he will keep replying demanding I sit on a bloody crown… so click the below to see the latest tweets : http://www.conweets.com/mattstreuli/brandon95229061/   click image to make full screen

BIZARREEEEE

http://www.conweets.com/mattstreuli/brandon95229061/