Showing posts with label mania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mania. Show all posts

It's Good now... Surely I will falter again?


Sometimes this blog quietly ticks over. Other times, it goes slightly viral. Last week I discussed how I saw my alcoholic Mum, despite the fact she died some thirteen years ago. Within days, partly thanks to Mental Health Awareness Week, it became my 4th most popular post of all times. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for reading and sharing my blog and website - not only does it help fight stigma and raise awareness but every click helps my ad revenue. It might only be a few pence but it really does make a difference when you have so little income and no support from the benefit system.

Carrying on from last week, it took a few days for me to return to any sort of normality. I've been slightly low for almost a week but think I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. That normal is also about to change. I know it was only three-ish weeks ago that 'Blue Smudge' and I started dating but its just falling into place and clicked so well. So, I've asked her to move in. Having her around makes me feel like I share the burden of my life - she's so good at keeping track of me and organising things. Before my life fell apart last year (discrimination at work, stress and a suicide attempt) I had been lucky and organised enough to buy and run my own flat which I've really struggled by myself.

In other news, my Z-list minor celebrity fame is on the rise and in a good way too. I've had a few locals contact me or speak to me in person in regards to mental health in education and in the workplace. School Counsellors have been a 'norm' in the US for at least a decade but are only starting to appear here. I went to Chalfonts Community College where, through hard work and help from charity counsellors, I gained 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels. I am ecstatic to hear my old secondary school now has a counsellor however, 1 counsellor for 1800 students is like climbing up a waterfall. It is the right direction and I truly think that a key part of preventing the crisis we are suffering from growing any further is education and early intervention and support in education.  Given the chaos and stress of modern education is it any wonder when our poor students fall apart at exam time? Perhaps with better education more students would thrive into university than collapse. I would love to go into more schools and speak not just with students but also with teachers and staff about looking after the mind, in just the same way we have all been focused on taking better care of our bodies.

It is also worth saying that whether I am in #LollipopMan mode, or mental health blogger or just being Chairman of the drama club; I am always willing to openly and honestly talk about mental health and male suicide including my own experience - so never worry about talking to me. Come say Hi :)

Notice the segway there? Every Wednesday I have been directing the Youth play. My cast have been working really hard and seem to relish in fun and limelight having their own show gives them. The ideas and laughter have been great fun. I must also say a big thanks to Terry, Vikki with Conor, Josh and Les who have worked so hard with my amazing lighting, sound and scenery. Luda has been brilliant with the costumes, something I'm not good with! I've also had good support from Kiera, Carol and my pretty Girlfriend. The play is one of two being performed at my summer show - one by the Youth and one by the Adults. Both are really funny and have had a lot of work put into them. From my mental health perspective, sometimes drama is big cause of stress. Cast missing throws me and my plans into the air. However, it is always worth the fight as these youngsters deserve the benefits of drama and indoctrination into the big community spirit. Most of all though, they make me laugh my freaking buttocks off! The show is in less than two weeks and you can buy tickets now at www.ihdc.co.uk or direct from www.ticketsource.co.uk/IHDC
Follow the fun on Instagram @matthewstreuli

"A soulmate is someone who appreciates your level of weird"  - Bill Murray 
Before I wrap up and leave you with my media highlights (they are always at the bottom of my posts so please do have a browse!) I just wanted to explore how I feel about trying to return to work. It is something that has come up a few times with my parents and friends trying to encourage me back into a full time job and career. Perhaps I am being a slob but I really don't want to. I've touched upon this in past posts but I'm convinced I will fail. The moment a stressful day comes along I will break. I am broken. At the moment, if I am failing and falling I can just isolate like I did last week (see my last post) with minimal consequences or letting anyone down. In the world of mental health, people are a lot more understanding and forgiving of such failures. I know what you are thinking, failures is a strong word, but it is exactly how I feel. I wonder if I have typed this hundreds of times but, if I was hearing anyone else say that I would tell them they are not a failure and the daily fight against the black dog is a massive achievement. Why does mental health illnesses prevent us from seeing ourselves the same way? Given the chaos and demands of our modern world, is it any wonder when our minds fall apart from the shouting, stress and strain?

Everything is good now but...  Surely I will falter again?

As always, thank you for reading and sharing. Every share and ad click, subscribe and follow, means so much to me. Thank you. xx








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BPD to EUPD with face paint and a Go-Pro

UPDATE: See breaking news from local paper: http://m.bucksfreepress.co.uk/


Sometimes, like last week when I spoke on Depression Awareness week, I end up on a passionate rant or essay about the crisis we face with mental health and the services currently struggling to cope. Other times this blog is quite theraputic of how I feel or can feel like just a diary of someone with a mental illness.

Credit to Rethink Mental Illness: BPD/EUPD Factsheet
Last week my Psychologist gave me a letter detailing a medical report he had completed for an insurance claim I have. In it my diagnosis has morphed from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and I don't like it. Last year I wrote here about how I struggled to accept the BPD label, feeling it was my soul and essence, my personality, that causes all the problems rather than the way I process thoughts, emotions and situations. It took a long time to digest and accept.

In England, EUPD and BPD are almost interchangeable. To me, they sound like they mean two different things. Borderline Personality Disorder, at first glance, to my mind means your mind doesn't quite process things properly; it isn't quite normal but its on the borderline. Whereas Emotionally Unstable creates a first thought image of someone being happy one minute, sad the next and jealous the other. My imagination creates a robot with a malfunction Emotions Chip. However, my calm logically thinking is reminding me that either case it is just a name and does not define my future just helps to explain my situation.

Talking with people is a key part of my work with Time To Change, a campaign run by charities MIND and Rethink Mental Illness with the support of Comic Relief and the Department of Health. Over the weekend, I was at the Beaconsfield Beer Festival and whilst it took some time to psych myself up and use mindfulness and my medication to keep anxiety at bay, I had a really good time chatting with the public and my fellow Champions; Alice, Claire and Angela. One man, who looked very young for his advancing years, told me how he first encountered mental health. Whilst working abroad long term he developed very painful back spasms. After scans and examinations the American Doctor told him there was nothing physically wrong and so the problem was 'in his head'. Perhaps a not-so politically correct way of saying it but his stress and mental health were adversely affecting his physically health. Over the course of the day we spoke with around 50 people in total and large proportion were male. Almost everyone knew someone close or had a mental illness but not as many as I hoped had heard of Time to Change - or of course read my blog!

After the outing to the Beer festival I joined the team back at Drama HQ to see how they were getting on with our loft storage clean out. The work they had done was amazing and I felt quite guilty for not being there all day but I guess a virtue of my rank is that I can occasionally delegate! :P You can find out more about my work for the drama club on the news page of www.ihdc.co.uk which I also author.

In the past few days, I received a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions who acknowledged the many letters sent to them but, yet again, despite my health issues I do not qualify for support. I must of forgotten that is was the disabled who caused the financial crash and thusly it is fair we suffer for it. #Sarcasm

Somethings have changed from last week. I've tried Irn Bru for the first time and actually really liked it. It's ruby red to me for all those synesthesia fans.
Somethings however do not change and for me it is that sense of frustration. Talking to my Psychologist makes it seem like anger. Whilst anger is a good word, there is no violence towards it.

My current 'bug bear' is to do with my work as a 'lollipop man'. It frustrates and antagonises me to see people drive like idiots or break minor laws and get away with it. Part of my fear is the idea that if they do not get 'caught' or 'punished' then they will continue the dangerous and illegal behavior which then probably encourages others to follow suit. This is why I do make  reports for vehicles failing to stop for me as a I enter or leave the road. If you are are wondering what a lollipop man is or what the signals all mean, I do have a special page with more info here. On one hand, the frustration is too much; it is out of my control and I should let it go. On the other hand, the behaviour of some drivers is putting lives, including mine at risk. Below is a video take this week by my small 'action camera' attached to the shaft of my Lollipop sign. In short, a taxi stops allowing a school teacher to get halfway across the road. Then, while I am still in the middle of the road, they proceed to drive off at some speed. The video is below with a link to highlights from one patrol I did the week before. If the drivers actually got fined for failing to stop and driving whilst on their phones, that could actually pay not only for me to sort and edit the 'Lollipop Cam' footage but also fill in a few pot holes whilst making our roads the safer. It really frustrates me that people get away with it.

If that frustration is one side of EUPD, then how about crying at Penny proposing to Leonard and they actually got engaged on Big Bang Theory!? Yeah... I cried. #Soppy

Still... Life Goes On...

Video link : https://youtu.be/Aobi0gPqHYM

Thank your for reading and sharing my blog. Remember to tune into my radio show every Thursday night (info on my Twitter!) and like and share the media things below... byeee!




Join me at Katrina's and Mark's OPEN MIC NIGHT at The Three Steps, Cowley every 2nd and 4th Thursday from 8pm!




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Work Vs Play #BipolarAndMe

  This week I should probably be writing about all the attention being focused on mental health but instead I would like to direct you to a fantastic blog (to read afterward mine of course :P ) which do a much better job than I. Clare or Brizzlelass wrote a brilliant post about Bipolar day and was open, honest and positive - something which is an extreme challenge to do. I currently have two diagnoses: bipolar and borderline personality disorder. They are similar and have some crossovers but either way stress doesn't help my condition.

Meanwhile I wanted to vent some frustrations with my employment. I was promised that we would be OK but we are far from it. I am sure if I looked at everything without emotion or morale it would be alright; but our species is human and not Vulcan so the rationale is braided with emotion. If any of my management are reading this then you are welcome to offer me redundancy. It would allow me to have a few months off so I could focus on my backup career without the fear that I am going to have a mental breakdown and kill myself because of you. Sorry. It is not the cheery or optimistic view I tried to have last week.

A message that others have tried to pass onto me, especially in group therapy, is that we should accept what we can do. Do what you can. The issue is, I know WE could do it better. In some cases, we used to.

So let's move onto to a place where I can make a difference and provide a great service with a great product. The great product in this case is our pantomimes. Below is the press release for our KICKSTARTER appeal. A few quid from everyone who reads this blog would help pay for paint and costumes - some of the things we are really struggling to afford. The links and info is below along with some lovely pictures. Please comment, share and like.
Thanks xx


Drama Club ‘Kickstarts’ Community Pantomime
Local Drama club turns to crowdfunding in a battle against rising overheads and to fund the show.
Money raised is being used to fund costumes and props for the forthcoming pantomime, DICK WHITTINGTON, which you can find more information about on our website (www.ihdc.co.uk) and Facebook (facebook.com/IverHeathDramaClub). Without help, the club faces an uncertain future with constant increases in costs such as insurance and royalties.

The Iver Heath Drama Club was founded in 1948 and meets every week. It has over 30 members  of all ages and a range of abilities. The community drama club is funded by ticket sales and donations but with rising overheads they are looking for inventive ways to keep the group open. Earlier this year the club turned to social media asking local residents to donate any leftover paint to help offset the costs. The next show is a pantomime called DICK WHITTINGTON which will be performed in January . Local mother Vikki Alone said “We are an all-inclusive club established in 1948 for all ages and abilities. Our shared passion for drama has enabled us to become a cornerstone in our community, providing a safe and nurturing environment for our youngsters and adults alike.”

Kickstarter campaigns operate under an “all-or-nothing” funding model so if the Drama Club doesn’t reach its goal then group goes empty-handed. Be sure to follow them on Twitter and Facebook to follow their progress and make sure to spread the word to your social media networks.  Consider donating as little as £3 to help their project come to life.  If you decide to donate more, you could buy VIP family tickets to the pantomime in January or even a date with the Dame.

The club played a vital role in the building of the current Iver Heath Village Hall which it continues to call home and to this day maintains the stage lights and stage for the club, hall and other hirers to use. The club charges a £2 for youth and £3 for adults a week membership fee and has the lowest pantomime ticket prices in our region.

Local primary school teacher Jo Williams said “I met my husband at IHDC and now our son goes. We need to make sure that IHDC keeps going so my grandson and his children go there too.”

https://www.facebook.com/IverHeathDramaClub/photos/a.10150597747301559.382285.92875806558/10153320296446559/?type=3&theaterMORE INFO IS ON OUR WEBSITE : www.ihdc.co.uk
 
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If you’d like more information about the Project, or to schedule an interview with Carol or Matt please call  07941 818 621 or send them a Tweet @ihdc
 
Since Kickstarter was launched, on April 28, 2009, 9.6 million people have backed a project, $2 billion has been pledged, and 93,515 projects have been successfully funded. For more information please contact press@kickstarter.com


Dick Whittington is our Pantomime this year!! Please invite all your friends to come along and join in the fun! Join this event for all details and exciting updates! Maybe even some sneaky peaks!
Posted by Iver Heath Drama Club on Tuesday, 6 October 2015
 


 



A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
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Allergic to Distress

This week started with the 12th anniversary of my Mother's. I never quite know what to feel or if I should feel anything - surely enough time has passed? The past few weeks have been an amazing holiday in France, despite a wobble or two.

At this moment I'm nervous about returning to work tomorrow. I know my friends and colleagues will have done a brilliant job but just what chaos awaits? I've already heard some office gossip which makes my return more draining. On my return I have a meeting with HR regarding my report from my psycologist and the company Doctor. Between those meetings and today I have had an anxiety attack and been practising my mindfulness.

See more at the bottom of this
 post or twitter: @mattstreuli
The rest of this post is some self assigned homework which I am writing to help myself process what was covered in today's group therapy and perhaps explain the logic or the 'processprogramme.exe' in my brain ready for that HR meeting but also to help you understand what could be be going on inside the RAM of someone with mental health issues.



Distress Intolerance is the clinical way of describing a fear or issues handling negative feelings and in turn the situation that caused them. Sometimes it could be the anxiety about a meeting with your HR or even the act of trying to bury a difficult memory rather than confront and process it. In this context, distress could be any upsetting or unpleasant feeling such as sorrow, fear, anger or panic.Not all negative feelings are distressing, sometimes we all feel a little sad or if  your watching a jumpy film such as Alien or a horror film like Scream you might even enjoy that panic or fear. In fact, distress is when we feel the negative feeling and we therefore feel bad about it; for example I often feel stupid for feeling low or apply tougher standards to myself then I would to any other person.

One one hand, it makes sense to avoid situations, events or memories that cause us pain and so this allergy to distress or things that make you feel negative could just be an inbuilt protection method. But, for myself and others who do not process emotions safely and effectively, this protection system is in overload. My fear, anxiety and avoidance of the 'distress' actually exacerbates the original problem. An example? I have an issue at work, but I also have other responsibilities at work and I am worried about meeting my high standards and the repercussions if I can't keep up from the customer, my management but also myself. Rather than allow myself to focus on the main problem and therefore complete it to my actual best ability, more of the mental capacity goes on worrying and avoiding the problem or the feelings that are attributed.

So why do I allow myself to magnify and then spiral out of control?

 It is an in built fear that I will ruin everything triggered by the event (meeting with HR or return to work, or a confrontation with a customer or a friend) and it will end in disaster. I will let people down. I will be a burden. I will be in trouble. A disaster that is my fault, even if I know that I am not to blame (delays to my deliveries by strikes in Calais or something outside my remit.
This grows.

I know that whilst I feel like this, I know that it is not the truth. The facts are we all have problems and we all make mistakes. If anyone at work or play was to come to me with the problems or symptoms I present, I would never say they are not trying hard enough. We would all go the extra mile to support them. I know this and yet I feel the exact opposite. This in turn presents frustrations: it is wrong to feel this way, I am weak, I am bad, I am going mad, I am losing control, I cannot cope, I cannot continue and ultimately I want peace and therefore I want to die.

There are three ways of coping with this overactive protective system.

Avoidance - Avoid the problem.
Confrontation is a big issue for me so I hate answering the phone and opening my post. When I am wobbly already I avoid things such as socialising also. This works but leads to fear and anxiety as you begin to avoid more and more situations - will I suddenly become a hermit?
Another method is seeking reassurance. I do this online through twitter and Elefriends but also through my close friends. Am I right to react the way I am? Is this fair? Are they in a mood with me? Am I under attack? Did I do something wrong? At work this is working closely with my colleagues and my line managers to check I am going in the right way. On one hand this limits my independence but it reassures me and prevents mistakes, but it also hinders things I know I am confident it yet I don't feel safe due to the attack or repercussions.
Finally, distraction. I know I am worrying about something I cannot change. So distract myself. Put on a comedy I know I like to do things with friends or bury myself in work. It only works in the very short term but with mindfulness it is a good coping mechanism. Only short term though as it never resolves the problem.

Numbing & Withdrawing
Some people turn to drink or drugs to help cope with their situations. I sometimes binge eat - got to love tea and biscuits or crispy M&Ms right? I also over sleep. When I am low or triggered, I go from a 7 hours of good sleep to 9 or 10 hours of fetal position trying to sleep yet feeling awful. Isolated and useless, I am rotting in the perpetual loop of mental questions I posed above; I isolate myself such as Am I right to react the way I am? Is this fair? Are they in a mood with me? Am I under attack? Did I do something wrong? Earlier this year I posted a blog about my friends coming to my flat and then going to my Dad's house when I refused to communicate online or let them in. They were scared I might be dead because I never disappear online.

Harmful Releases
For me, this is self harm. I cut myself with a stanley knife or crafts scalpel. This provides a sudden relief. The brain releases good-feeling endorphins but also the physical pain overrides the mental one. Other people go from self harm to burning themselves and even physical violence. I even self-harmed whilst on holiday. The bit that society doesn't want to admit is that self-harm seems to work. It gets me out of the rotting I mentioned earlier and back to functioning but it leaves scars. Whilst on holiday my 12 year old sister asked me in the pool why I had two scabs in lines on my upper arm and why there were light white lines with it. If anyone else had asked I would give the honest answer yet I froze.

These mechanisms in combination or alone depending on the situation work for me but they are not ideal and lead to other problems in our lives as I hope I have hinted.

But over the past few months I have asked for more help and hopefully not been as harsh or horrible to myself as I have before.

The question is- how do I break the cycles that take me to using binge eating, oversleeping, self-isolation in bed drained of all energy, the increasing fear and anxiety, the deterioration I feel in dealing with difficult situations and self-harm.

Thank you for reading - sorry it has been light on humour and heavy on mental health theory! Do you use these methods? How did you break the cycle? Messages of support, love and proposals of marriage are welcome... hehe As always please have a browse of my blog and comment here or on twitter .

Below is some pictures and videos from my holiday.




Now deep breaths as I ponder... Do I go back to work or is it time for pastures new? Thanks again! Much love xxx



http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/126268830428/feelings-dont-fade-they-just-change

Posted by Carol Campling on Monday, 3 August 2015
A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

#boobsinthethumbnail #sexappearl
 #cutecouple #SH4CF #havebabies!!

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My first group therapy session and my first anxiety attack.

I was no more nervous than any other appointment with a GP. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect but I've performed in front of 120 people and presented powerpoints in front of 50 or more. Yet the moment I sat in that chair, I went from being nervous to paralysed. I was petrified.

Last week I felt rather jovial. In fact my blog was light hearted. Perhaps it is a side effect of living a day or two at a time but I had not put much thought into the group session on Monday. It didn't worry me. I have sat in many meetings whether at work or at drama however I feel the difference is that I never enter those blind. You might imagine that group sessions look like AA meetings, and in some regards it did. We sat in a circle and I immediately froze. Feeling unable to look up from a small watch battery or whatever it was on the floor, I felt under attack or being judged; even though the others seemed like quite nice people.

We have to be careful what we can say as I wouldn't want to betray the trust in the room but they all seemed to be thoughtful and caring people although they were all older than me so perhaps this is why they were less nervous and more able to contribute. I hope your opinion of me is that I am thoughtful and articulate yet yesterday I was dumbfounded. That is word I have only ever used to me shocked or flabbergasted but I was actually so dumb that I couldn't construct sentences or engage with the group like normal Matt would.

Every 10 or 15 minutes the psychologist in charge would ask people questions to reinforce their learning and check their understanding. I have done this myself when training people. Yet when he turned to me, I could barely engage him. I can't even recall my first answer but it was gibberish.

Hearing someone talk about how their behaviour and mental health affected their children was hard. Did my mother ever think about that?

I wanted to flee.  My heart wasn't racing but was like a large sub-woofer pounding my chest and jaw grew stiff as if clamped into place. I had to get away but my legs were frozen.The last question he asked was how we felt that very second at the end of session one. I felt scared and angry.

Scared for reasons I have yet to fathom. Angry because I can do this and yet I had let myself down.
Scared because I fear I am getting worse. Angry because I am trying.
Scared because I am ill. Scared I am letting you down. Angry because it isn't fair.




The moment the session was over I walked with pace to my car. After a few minutes trying to calm down I drove straight to my Doctor's surgery.

I spent the afternoon with my Dad. Being driven by instinct, I knew I had to be warm and safe. After a few mugs of tea and "chewing the fat" by the time my little sister was home from school, my fear and panic had started to pass. I just felt frustrated. Why had this happened to me? I can easily talk to a group and I can easily speak about how I feel so why me? Why today?

My GP has given me Propranolol as a 'pill in my pocket' and it works well. After listening to 'I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue' on the iPlayer I put on some meditation music and dosed my way to a full nights sleep. I love sleep. #favourite. 

Today, I feel OK. I'm not angry. I'm not low. I feel a bit light-headed and dopey. By light-headed, I don't mean faint. I am floating slightly above my head. Does that sound mad? It is really off-putting. Anyway, my pulse now is 67bpm.


I have written to my GP and my Psychologist. I am scared I am getting worse. My anxiety is definitely worse and from chatting with my 'Big Sis' I have been more 'edgy' and easier to offend than before. What an awful way to end a brilliant weekend. I will just keep living one day at a time trying to survive.

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on






A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on




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