I'm going to show a selection of things from my radar and throwback to past posts on my blog. Comment with your favourite and with your suggestions for next month's collage
A post shared by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
I'd argue cutting police numbers and railroading the Investigatory Powers Act through Parliament is 'naughtier', Prime Minister https://t.co/614ahZRUML
See more of my photography on my social media such as Instagram
Perhaps it is a sign of my improving and more stable mental health but last week we discussed how our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, might actually be good in the fight for mental health equality and care.
In 2012 she said “I think it’s important to do a good job and not to feel that you’ve got to make grand gestures, but just to get on and deliver.” It is that sort of ethos that encourage such enthusiasm in her last week. My post was met with some mixed comments . There are some of you older and undoubtedly wiser than moi who are right to be cynical and less willing to actually have hope let alone faith in any politician.
Then I felt a bit stupid. While others lost their headline posts or swapped them, Jeremy Hunt was kept in his position in Mrs May's new cabinet. It is very hard to find anyone within the NHS who thinks he has done a good job - most believe he has made the NHS debt considerably worse let alone what he has done to our NHS workforce. In fact it was only a few months ago I encouraged us all to rise up and depose Jeremy Hunt to support the NHS staff who support and save us.
Mr Hunt must be rubbing his hands with glee; surely this is a license to carry on deconstructing our NHS (and what little Mental Health services we have)? Actually, I think it is the polar opposite. I think it is really clever. Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt were two key leaders in the Brexit camp which made claims such as an extra £300million a week for the NHS and now they are both in key brexit related roles they have to provide it. If they struggle and fail then it reflects awfully on brexit, highlighting even more 'porky pies' voters put their faith in. Failure to completely achieve goal proves Mrs May and the Remain camp right and gives her the impetus to say; you only got this far due to the efforts of the remain camp like me. If they succeed, which I think is a very hard challenge, then Mrs May can still claim the leadership crown. It is in Jeremy's interest to get the Brexit MPs to secure his funding and rebuild the very NHS he has crippled - even partial failure will destroy what is left of him and Mrs May again swoops in to save the day.
Still putting politics and the big picture to one side, its time to focus on the smaller picture; ME!
I started this blog as a way to process what I think and feel. If you write something down, you can than better view it and almost answer it as if you were a friend giving advice or just a fresh external set of eyes. Being able to discuss bigger picture issues such as our new Prime Minister is great but it relegates my own mental health battle to the social media posts I embed at the end of each blog edition.
There was a time where I never made or took person phone calls. To start I'll point out that I still very much struggle to answer the phone. Even if it is a close friend or family, I'd rather ignore the call and leave it to my answering machine. Making a call is easier and something I have been getting better at. When you make a call, you are in charge of the subject and the aim of the call - something you lose vice versa.
On Saturday, we awoke to the email that LowCostHolidays had entered administration. There was a time in my life where this would of left me emotionally falling into a black patch. Yet I remained calm. There was a time in my life I would of slowly become overwhelmed with panic. Yet everything felt in control. Accepting that there is only so much you can do is easy to say but liberating when you achieve it. Thankfully we bought our holiday on my credit card so the money should be easy enough to get back from them; so much so we have already replaced the cancelled hotel and transfers on a like-for-like basis with a different travel agent.
The reason for the Nelson Mandela quote? There was a time where I tried to kill myself and honestly didn't know if I could survive life anymore. As I hinted in the 'comic book' cover for the last week, our minds are still prehistoric and not quite 'designed' for the chaos, stress and stigma of the 21st century. It was only a few months ago that I couldn't face making a phone call, yet over time I've re learnt and readjusted. I can call the Police or, in the recent example, the credit card company. If you stroll back through the a few months of this blog you can see my condition gradually deteriorated as I fought workplace discrimination, stress and stigma as well as my own mind. In the end I didn't know what my future could even be, let alone if I would ever work or contribute anything again. My continuing work as Chairman of the drama club, the local lollipop man, writing this blog and working with Time to Change and, a key part, volunteering at a local infant school has really helped me readjust and awaken to the real world. You have really helped too through reading and sharing my blog, clicking adverts or my own links to social media and even watching my YouTube or resharing my tweets. Every little action not only supports silly old me, but helps fight the good fight for the mental health services, support and care an equal and just society like ours should have in the 21st Century.
Finally, a huge thank you to all of you who share that goal, optimism or belief and nominated me for the Mind Awards. Regardless of what happens - it means alot.
Whether you are enjoying Summer at home or on holiday, be safe and look after and love yourself and your closest friend. You are brilliant. You can do it.
With your help we can go viral and fight the right fight. It will only seem impossible until we all do it. Together, as one.
Depression can feel like a lead weight on your chest whilst a vacuum drains the joy and energy from your soul. Some days, suicide did seem like the best option. It even felt uplifting to consider that I might have a solution or a conclusion for it all. Other days I didn't want to die but I wasn't too fussed to stay alive. To quote a Nik Kershaw song I covered last year; "It's getting harder, just keeping life and soul together. I'm sick of fighting, even though I know I should."
"Self-observation is the first step of inner unfolding."
~ Amit Ray
Workplace discrimination is illegal. However, 48 per centof people with a mental health problem still say they would not be comfortable telling their employer about their illness. As you may of read over the past year in my blog, some employers can actually be more destructive than supportive. In fact, that employer exacerbated my condition to the point I actually tried to kill myself last year. Yet something has changed.
It dawned on me the other night.Suddenly I spotted that I wasn't just surviving to the next event or checkpoint in my life. Pushing myself to reach the next week. As I laid on the sofa, staring at the artex it clicked. I was shocked and slightly baffled. Even though the next day was just another day of volunteering, working (nearly getting hit by cars speeding on on their phones) and trying to do the basic things of being an adult (paying bills etc), I noticed that I was actually looking forward to the next day.
That's not to say that over the past thirteen years I've had some form of mental health issue that I have not looked forward to things or events. I have. I really have. But said events have been a goal to aim for and something to enjoy if or when I complete the battle to survive that long. This feeling was warm and different. Tomorrow wouldn't just be another day of putting on my outward facing mask, I'm actually looking forward to my life and I am actually enjoying it. Part of that is certainly down to my amazing friends and especially my girlfriend who not only shares my love of fun, taste in music and comedy but our bond unites and balances us in the same way 'ying and yang' or two fat kids on a see-saw do. For that metaphor to work both children would need to be equal weight and it would be the dullest day at the playground but ignoring that minor issue, I hope you get the general idea. Post continues below video: Making YouTube videos is a great way to share the fun and make people smile - plus it gives me a postive creative outlet. Your support really matters - thank you for your comments, shares, likes and views :)
I'm aiming this at myself. The person who I was in the days following my suicide attempt. If you can't imagine what that mindset is like there is a fantastic TED talk at the bottom of this post. Essentially, I tried to act as if I was OK and get back to some normality as quickly as I could but I deep down knew I was broken.
The 'Mrs' and I
Deep down I was worried I might never be fixed. Some of you reading this will be stuck in the same rut. Today, I can tell you that we may never be fixed and I'm pretty cool with that. In fact, it defines who we are. Today, I can tell you that not every day will be an exhausting battle - some days will and they really drain me. I know I'm not fixed or perfect but for the first time, in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to each day and not just seeing it as another battle in the war of life.
Whether I'm volunteering with he brilliant yet wacky children, acting on the stage of my local club, presenting my weekly radio show, writing this blog or just being with my partner; I am happy to admit that I am OK and slowly getting back to some normality. It isn't easy and I don't think my battles, based upon my tweets anyway!, will ever be over but hopefully you can see some hope to motivate you to where I am and beyond.
Thanks for reading - every view and ad-click does really make a difference. Please share this blog and my social media.
Thank you for your support and love. #MentalHealthMatters
Where does time go?
Welcome to my new look blog! I've spent the last day or two tweaking its facade as everything needs a refresh from time to time; so welcome to it. Unless of course you are new to my blog and didn't see the last look - I mean you are still welcome but it is all new. Or perhaps you are visiting in the far future and the blog has gone through one or more updates still. Either way, I'll wipe the dribble from my chin and welcome all of you to my blog.
If you are new to the story, or just in need of a recap, I'm Matt. I'm 26 and lucky enough to live in my own flat with my cat and my girlfriend who has just moved in. We met as teenagers and drifted apart over senior school until a few months ago our paths crossed again. Despite being apart our paths have similar parallels. I mostly blog about my adventures and battles in life; the biggest one being with my mental health. My diagnosis has evolved since my teenage years from Depression to Bipolar Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and most recently onto EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Depending on the specialist and their field of study there is some debate over nature and nurture as to the source of my mental illness. Perhaps it is inherited or it is the breakdown of my parents' marriage when I was 7 and 8 which lead me into being the sole carer for my alcoholic Mother until her demise when I was 13. I've had good and bad: I've achieved 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels but I have also suffered from Workplace Discrimination.
Whether you have just joined us or you've read a few of my past posts (or you are a star and read them all including clicking on adverts hehe!) then you can see how understanding mental illness has been a key part of my life. At times it has lead me into darkness - my suicide attempt a year ago and the scars I bear from past Self-Harm. In other times it has given me power and strength - I've written for The Guardian, spoken publicly on stigma and discrimination in workplaces for charities on mental health and stress. It even helped introduce me and connect me to my partner. For quite a while now, I've dabbled with the thought of a tattoo until on Saturday a chance tweet from my best friend Aidan ended up in the three of us getting the Semicolon Tattoo.
"The semicolon is used when a sentence could have ended, but didn't."
Post continues below video:
Within 90 seconds the permanent, matching and deeply meaningful marks were done. They still need a bit of care with some moisturiser but they look pretty good - except for the obvious shaved patch where my tattoo lives! I felt incredibly anxious about the pain which is why I needed the group mentality to ever do it but like with so many things I over worry about - it wasn't all that bad. Caroline, my girlfriend, is interested in more but I have no intentions.
When I'm not blogging, I am the proud Chairman of a local drama club which helps install confidence and social or community ethics into our youth - as it did for me. I like to make a few YouTube videos, mostly of drama shows and unboxings. I also present a weekly radio show as well as stop the chaos as a Lollipop Man. Recently, thanks to the support of my amazing Lady, I have become more active in a local primary school which has included making snails from pipe cleaners and pruning the outdoor area while on a treasure hunt.
Initially I was petrified of any big working commitment. As I've mentioned in previous weeks - why risk what I have now? Whether you look at my mental or physical health, I am better today than I have been for years although having no full time job or support in state benefits means the contrary for my bank balance. Just a few days here and there at the school and instead of being overwhelmed or flooded with depression and anxiety, I find myself excited to be there more and sad when I'm not. Even if it is just supervising or hovering around, our youngsters are bright and imaginative each with a unique personality of cheekiness and charm. I've been with Caroline to a few open days on teaching and Primary Education and I can tell you that despite it being a slightly bizarre world, it is a beautiful and intelligent one.
I've prattled on enough for one post so as one youngster said to me recently: "Zip it!"
#TheCheek! #Kids...who'dhave'em!
Oh and I didn't even mention how amazing Coldplay were - big thanks to my Bestie Aidan for organising that fantastic event. Their latest single is Caroline and my current favourite - hence the title for this week. With Caroline potentially off to Uni and I'm getting better and well enough to volunteer more and more - things are going Up and Up.
Thank you for reading, sharing and clicking all over my blog. Please do have a look at the links above and the social media fun below.
You are stars! xx
Each month on my re-booted blog, I'm collating a collage.
