I'm not happy. It feels like it's getting worse - which is an achievement as I thought I had already visited rock bottom.
The happiest I've been in the past week was presenting a quiz at my work on Thursday and getting drunk alone watching House on Saturday night.
The rest of the time I feel overwhelmed. I've feel I have been pushing my friends away although my brain feels that society is pushing me away - I'm unwelcome. I'm fat and horrible.
Something has to change. But I don't know what or how.
If I could win the lottery I would lock my door and never come out again. I don't want to keep fighting just to survive.
I don't enjoy drama anymore. I could rant but why bother. And apart from drama I have nothing.
I am nothing.
AND yet you all seem to think I'm funny and some local celebrity.
I've burnt out and I'm alone.
Anyway. On a more cheery note, I'm in panto in January and I uploaded a special video of pics and videos from set build and rehearsals this month. Buy tickets at www.ihdc.co.uk. Or see the video at www.youtube.com/MattStreuli (it'd be great if other people did some advertising at their work or through social media) #iwontrant