I have been waiting for this holiday for a few weeks. The perception I have is that most people look forward to their holidays for months but I didn't. For one, I didn't know if I would be alive and two, why. I'm not saying why look forward to a holiday but more why look forward to anything.
Whatever I do, things will end. Whatever I try things will go wrong. When you put in 110% and things go right, you will be barely noticed; if you are lucky you might get a thanks or two. If it goes wrong, suddenly you are centre stage.I have to fix it. Even if it is not my problem. my limbic system kicks me into that survivalmode.exe that you might call flight or fight. For some logical and rational problems, this is actually good news. The issue is resolved methodically or I direct the person who is panicking rather than doing the obvious. But too few problems are rational, logical or even worse, controllable.
Before this holiday, the strikes in Calais and the ongoing efforts by the migrants camped there caused upheaval in my job. Aside from keeping my key customers and my colleagues updated there is nothing I can do. And this frustrates me. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry.
During this holiday, I am aware that these issues will be creating issues for my colleagues and I am sure there are other problems. I have full faith in them, most of them do things much better than me. Yet, I feel guilt for leaving them and also a sense of stress and panic that there will be a workload for me when I return. Why did I even take a holiday in the first place when I have impending doom in 10 days... 9 days... 8 days...
Woke up feeling low again— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) July 27, 2015
I upset people. I say things I shouldn't in an attempt to be funny or I try to communicate that I need a hug or to be told its OK yet I just annoy people or upset them. I let them down.Maybe I didn't do enough. At work, you are always encouraged to go that one step further - so why didn't you? You didn't do enough.
Am I being self-centered and selfish?
Even now there are problems and I wish there was something I could to fix them. If it as digging a hole or buying and building something, I'd be there at lease trying.But how do I solve a problem thats out of my remit? How can I allow myself to admit that it is out of my remit, let alone something I cannot solve becuase no one can? I can't. It scares me. I lay in my bed here in a warm muggy French valley worrying. No more than most days but yet I still worry. Alot of my worries are cared for by my closest friends whom I trust but there is always a plan B.
Today, I re-visited the site of a massacre. Oradour-sur-Glane was left in ruins with over 600 people brutally murdered in some of the most horrific and most uncessacry ways. My best friend, Mr Aidan Parr has written a fantastic blog about it and included some images to help you picture the scene.
Seeing that destroyed town preserved makes me wonder that:
A - I can't do or save everyone
and yet even if I try
B - The End will come
Everything must end. Your friendships, your life, The loves of your friends and their happiness. The youth you currently enjoy. Your surroundings.
"Just hang it up and let it go... the end will come for us."
Holidays are nice and its good to enjoy yourself but how can you stop worrying about the debt and bills and commitments and workloads of life.Do you normal people just ignore it and think its all under control for now? Because that is only for now - its still coming.
And with everything that is coming, I can't keep trying to save the day. Yet I so desperately want to.
IF I could do something to make the lives of those at the therapy session better I would. If I could do more at work or drama I would - yet I am seemingly doing less and less because I'm mentally ill and I can't do it now.
If I could fix my friends problems, I would. So why do I feel so guilty and horrible that I can't.
Perhaps that is why I want to find someone to love. Someone to care for and focus on and perhaps they would do the same for me. My friends are great but sometimes I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be equal. I don't want to be alone.
Yet, I sit here in bed choosing to be alone and wishing I was at home alone so I could cry and not put on this mask.
I have so much going for me and how ungrateful I must seem but I don't want this it anymore. I want to tag out.
Yet I enjoy this holiday. I wish it didnt have to end. And ending it or tagging out, would be letting you down again. Guilt overload.
I'm going to wrap up this shambles. Writing feels good but I'm not sure what I'm achieving.
Here is some quotes from my "Pysch Assesment". Maybe they some it up better than I can.
"I must say I found him friendly, engaging and far from self-centred. He was able to appreciate and take the position of others... Despite his ratings of narcissism I think he would take care of others in a group. Indeed, the potential risk would be his need to ‘look after’ the group...
He gets recurrent bouts of low mood with associated suicidal ideation. These last for a few days and he will usually self-harm at these times."Why can't I just enjoy being with my best friends on holiday?
Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived.
Do your best to live in the NOW and make it beautiful.
Thank you for reading and sharing my blog. I'm going to try some mindfulness rather than self-harm