Showing posts with label #BipolarAndMe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #BipolarAndMe. Show all posts

Journal: Brussels, Feeling Great and My Future

Most weeks my blog is a journal of my 'adventures' and my battles with life and mind. Last week I got a bit ranty and wrote what became an open letter supporting our overwhelmed NHS and the junior doctors as we approached the budget.
On one hand we could say that the budget wasn't too bad but it was the hidden cuts to benefits that people with disabilities rely on. At this moment in time my income is almost non existent and as such I've been trying to get PIP for around four months. PIP, or Personal Independent Payment, is a state benefit which is varies depending on how debilitating your condition is.
Tune into my show: Thursday 8pm

On paper this seems fair but in practise it is not applied this way. People without limbs have been ordered onto different schemes sometimes forced into work where no suitable work could exist. Despite legally and medically qualifying as disabled, people have had their applications denied causing further distress and exacerbating an already delicate situation; after all very few people would ask for help if they didn't need it. I say all of this as last week it was not Mr Hunt to resign but Iain Duncan Smith and whilst I am cynical for his full reasons, it is clear he felt that those who need our love and support the most were suffering unfairly more than those in the mansions. His resignation was shocking and scathing but what worries me is the future. Now he isn't there, much like the Lib Dems are not in Government, are we about to find out that they were acting as a shield and preventing the worst policies hitting our health and pockets? It looks like we may of won the #Budget2016 or at least this is a stay of execution.

"Mental health needs a great deal of attention. It's the final taboo and it needs to be faced and dealt with".   -Adam Ant

In other news, I've been feeling pretty fantastic. I've covered before how my mood seems to go in cycles and my mood is pretty up and up! Filled with energy, I have been getting more done firstly cleaning my flat and having a girly night. Sometimes I wonder if I am gender fluid rather than a label like metrosexual or something. I am completely at home and comfortable to be the only male in a group of girls especially when the face mask makes me look that stunning! (SARCASM!) Over the weekend I also went on a lads day out to my first full rugby match. It was close match and I found myself shouting and cheering along as London Irish pushed through a good victory. Not too sure I'd have Guinness again but I certainly want to go to another match.

Last week I met with my psychologist and had a long conversation regarding my diagnoses, prognosis and also a bit of self-investigation into my condition. My view is that the incidents we've discussed before regarding my past office job (stigma, disability discrimination etc) have caused me to be in my current situation. However it was interesting to go over the events of my childhood and teenage years; not only how I survived but what programming they left me with even after counselling and past efforts at therapy.

NEW PAGE - The Lollipop Man
Click here - www.MattStreuli.uk
It is hard to be 100% certain in mental health with a diagnosis. I've been given the label of Borderline Personality Disorder, something which I've debated the meaning of here on my blog. Yet statistically it is unlikely as 75% of sufferers are female. It is possible I have Bipolar Disorder which shares a lot of the trademark symptoms but it is hard to measure and judge if my hypermania is hypermanic enough to qualify. There is also a range of symptoms covered by a generalised title of Depression Disorder. Having a title does make a difference; it imposes a sense of confidence and faith that we know what is going on. In terms of prognosis, it is hard to say. I have had weird nightmares about school, exams and offices to the point they didn't make sense. However, this week I start part of my future as a School Crossing Patroller. In the short term, this provides some pay to help keep me ticking over whilst I wait for my PIP decision and other support I get from the state as well as making the best of the opportunity.

Next week I have my first session in the Youth Health Parliament in which I hope to network - which is a fancy way of saying meeting people to work with in the future.

As a final note - before I leave you with some social media adventures and ask you to browse and share my blog posts - I'd like to reiterate something I posted not long enough ago:

" The injuries are not limited to those who were shot or blown apart. "
" The mental health injury spreads to those who help the victims, whether medical professionals or locals trying to help, and even further to the victims friends and family at home. The wounds in the mental health are more complex. Learning to move on, understand and accept what you have seen or the loss of a loved one in such a needless and barbaric way can never be as easy as shutting a door. "  
-  My post on the attacks in Paris in Nov 2015.  http://mattstreuli.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/closing-door.html
My thoughts, as there were in Paris, are with the friends and family of the wounded and killed and the emergency services of Brussels.



Your feedback and thoughts are welcome - please tweet me or comment here. Every view and share makes a difference - Thank you.


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Today's poll: Nature vs nurture?I was 13 when Mum died from alcoholism. I was her carer. It's always bugged me that...
Posted by MattStreuli.uk - Mental Health Aware on Monday, 21 March 2016







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Mauve Alert!

 Based upon reading back on my past blog posts and tweets it seems that my 'black patches' seem to occur every four to five weeks. In case you are new to my story - welcome by the way - I go through ups and downs or  I tend to think of a cycle like a radio wave and the difference between my radio wave and yours is that my troughs go alot deeper. I feel okay but I can see what's coming and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't a storm I won't ride out.

My credit card debt is growing. To try and make my pay last that little bit longer, I had been moving my spending to credit rather than debit. I have no idea if it was luck or skill but the money I had not spent plus my statutory sick pay was just enough to cover my mortgage which leaves my overdraft to hopefully handle the water, gas and TV.
I have my change savings jar which I will have to use for bread, milk and that ever increasing prescription fee. On a slight tangent, I know I shouldn't complain about the NHS prescription fee given that my meds would cost over $40+ in the US so at least I'm saving around £11 depending on the exchange rate. At the time of writing this, I am due to make a payment on my credit card but as I'm already in overdraft, I'm not in a position to make any payment let alone the minimum. I doubt any bailiffs will appear for a while but, and it could be my anxiety, I feel like I'm falling past yellow alert.
"Well, it's like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert." - Holly, BBC comedy 'Red Dwarf'
I write all of this with some frustration yet hope. Thanks to ACAS, we have been close to resolving my employment situation - something I'll let you read up on from my past blog posts. It really looked like there was an end to this long drawn out blockade. However, I carefully read anything before I sign it and there in the terms was a 'gagging' order. It would prevent me from ever telling my story. I've never said anything insulting and I have no intention to. I've not named the company or persons  who I hold accountable and with the agreement we've reached I do not want to.  I can understand the poor solicitor sitting opposite me who is under pressure to silence this threat. Whilst a tribunal would be messy and expensive for me, the cost of shutting down a vital department to attend the tribunal hearings and the embarrassment of being named in public court records is something they would prefer to avoid.

Perhaps it is the pessimist in me? I know things could be worse and I know I'm OK for this month and but it feels like its coming over the horizon. Even with this and that I'm due a black patch, I will never sign an agreement that completely prevents me from telling my story. Silencing victims would only perpetuate the stigma of mental health.
Read last week's post - Click Here

The illness sits on my shoulder holding a file. A manila brown file with papers inside. Another option that without my illness I might ignore. Whenever I find myself panicking about missed direct debits  and how it all leads to my life falling apart with repossessions and bailiffs, it waves that file. It might seem alien to you but I feel some comfort knowing that I would rather kill myself than allow that to happen. The stress would be over with no fears for the future and as a bonus: if a tribunal is embarrassing, stressful and expensive; a public suicide and subsequent inquest much more so.

As I started, I feel OK and there is hope. I had a job interview last week with another this week. I could have two job offers and one of them has a higher starting pay than what I was on when the 'incident' happened. It could all pan out that I end up with a new job and income before utilities complain too much. I could also win the lottery or find my blog suddenly goes viral and media stuff pays the bills. Perhaps it is my illness but disaster seems the most likely. The tornado isn't quite here yet so no need for red alert; I'll stick to Purple for now.

Thank you for reading and sharing my blog on your social media. Comments are always welcome and I read every one. Thanks again.


I cannot sign a gagging order that prevents me from telling my story and the truth. I have not and have no intention of...
Posted by MattStreuli.uk - Mental Health Aware on Friday, 26 February 2016


Follow me on Linkedin www.linkedin.com/profile/view?id=343808296
Posted by MattStreuli.uk - Mental Health Aware on Tuesday, 1 March 2016


* Please Note: I write my blogs as it helps me process how I feel and in that way is theraputic. I'm not asking for money or attention and I hate feeling like I owe people things. That said, if you need someone to talk on mental health and there is money or at least BFH (bus fare home) in it, then I would love to help. I like to give yet not keen on receiving!
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How to Prevent and Deter Discrimination

Hi! I'm Matt. I'm 26 years old and I live
on the edge of West London. I'm a
suicide survivor, an adult child of an
 alcoholic and I have
 Borderline Personality Disorder.

And no... I don't suit hats.
A side effect of having a mental health issue is that you lose confidence in whether you are right to feel how you do, or if you are overreacting or possibly underreacting again. Sometimes this means you fight battles nobody else can see or you do not fight at all. This is why, I think, discrimination has continued unhindered.

As I've covered before on this blog and my website, I have faced discrimination due to my mental health issues. The most damaging discrimination I suffered was in the workplace. I felt stunned and it took me a while to process exactly what had been said and what it meant. I remember my mind pacing, unable to focus, as I panicked that I was overreacting. Was that a reasonable or acceptable thing to say?
Whether they are treating someone differently due to their mental health or physical health, disability discrimination is illegal BUT at the moment you have to prove it and then take it to a tribunal... AT YOUR COST AND PERIL! 
Then I tried to imagine what advice I would give to a friend if they had received that treatment and comments. I found myself angry n frustrated. I even felt betrayed. I had been so open and honest; I didn't deserve this. It has really hurt and created a big block in my recovery. I could even go so far to say it exacerbated my condition. If you read back through my blog, I am sure you'll agree.

Please sign my petition - Link below

It has made me think. Would they dare say or behave that way because of my skin tone? My religion? I would hope they would not behave that way due to my gender or race but I really do not know anymore.

As you may of seen, I have started a petition to make 'disability discrimination' a criminal offence that is processed or handled by the Police; in a similar way to how they handle racial discrimination and abuse. Getting justice is a key element but if I can do anything to save other people from be hurt and used the way I was - it is worth a try. I sincerely believe that the if the consequences were the same as racism, no Manager would ever behave that way again and HR teams across the UK would scramble to find comprehensive training like that offered by Mind.

If you have a moment, it would really make a difference if you could click here to sign that petition and share it on your social media and emails.

I'm going to keep this week short and simple. I've felt a bit wobbly - in terms of my emotions nit my obesity - over the past couple of days - but I have some amazing friends and family. I'd like to remind you all that I love you and thank you for bearing with me. Aside from the massive grin that matchmaking couples and making people laugh brings me, you are the core of my life. I'm not sure if this is a reward or a punishment but there is a video me singing down below.

 Meanwhile - happy 13th birthday to my sister! It's all downhill from here in. You are a star (especially in the Instagram clip below!) and you make me laugh my arse off!


Thank you for reading, sharing and subscribing to my blog xx
A video posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on


"For he that gets hurtWill be he who has stalledThere's a battle outside ragin'It'll soon shake your windowsAnd rattle your walls"
Posted by MattStreuli.uk - Mental Health Aware on Tuesday, 23 February 2016


 


Speaker on mental health or male suicide near London with TV and radio experience. After Dinner speaker on Mental Health, Suicide, Male Suicide and ACOA or Adult Child of Alcoholic.
Pantomime Dame and actor with presentation and teaching skills on mental health.
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I Feel Fine!

My step mum thinks I have bipolar and it was one of my first possible diagnoses. My official diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder but looking back on the past week I think bipolar might be right!

The past two editions of this blog come mental health diary are somewhat scary for the suicidal subtext throughout them. Yet, this week I feel pretty good. It is completely counterintuitive because the issues I faced last week are still there. Financial ruin is still a possibility however I am happy to keep on; worry about what I can deal with now. I guess that is a good philosophy for life and it certainly relieves my anxiety and panic about my future although I do worry that I'm not worrying enough about my future.
Panto went really well and only now am I ready
for the future! www.ihdc.co.uk

Last week I felt I couldn't face going to drama but on Thursday I pushed myself to go spend some time with friends. Part of visiting friends is socialising with others. One of my bestest friends is a childminder and so to have her nearby is a god send and making the little children she looks after laugh during the day genuinely made me smile.  By Friday evening I felt almost back to zero - a normal middle ground. I went to see my Nan with my normal pessimistic view that she will have mobility issues and her dementia like memory issues. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see she was up and about and her memory was pretty good.

We have mental health. We should all take better
care of our minds! Check our the #InTheMind season
on the BBC and my Facebook page!
I had a brilliant weekend with her and then friends and this week I've been working on doing more public work online. Seeing people happy and making them laugh makes me feel really good.

Did I mention I updated the two pages on my website?

After my recent article in The Guardian, my Psychologist is encouraging me to do more of this work as it is a positive release for my condition. I’ve even tried emailing some agents to little success. I have been on LBC and even sat in to Shelagh Fogarty’s show earlier this year just to try and get myself and my mental health blog better known. Meanwhile, as The Beatles said "I feel fine!"

Still, now is a good time to worry about what I can control. I have an appointment with my Psychologist this week and plans a plenty for a new career in case this media work doesn't quite pan out.
"I know you don't want this to go on any longer but please keep having a crack at it, and one day you will be glad that you did"

I guess there is hope. Which neatly leads me onto thanking everyone who has retweeted my blog, or tweeted and commented with their support. It means so much and I realise that I am not as alone and life is not as futile as my illness would have it seem. So thank you xx

Meanwhile my sister is 13 next week. Oh my god... What do I get her?

Don't forget to tune into my radio show each Thursday. Music and mental health on SouthWaves Radio.  I'm on air every Thursday from 8pm

In the meantime, I emplore you to have a look at  my Facebook page:  facebook.com/mattstreuli.uk




  I love you all xx


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It's OK, It's a Disability

Last week I finally had some luck with legal aid and met an employment solicitor! I've written an article for the Huffington Post which explains more. In essence, it feels so good to feel that it is OK to have my mental health. Perhaps it is my illness, but I always feel like I'm the odd one and I'm the one who should always check what they say and think and feel.

 I've been made to feel at times that I'm not reacting appropriately to things and sometimes that is my own frustrations such as I can't make telephone calls anymore. Either way, meeting someone who knows the law and to hear that my efforts and feelings are justified made me feel so much more accepted and I'm not being a burden or overreacting!! It's like the world saying, we recognise you are trying and thats why its a disability.

Once you've  read my article (click here peoples!) I've included a tumblr post I posted last weekend as well as an inspiration quote at the bottom :P

Yes, it is me singing but even more important was the feedback.
Please read and share my article on HuffPost
Feedback is so important and I know some of you have been reading my blog for months or just since that uber popular one where I spoke about suicide and discrimination but it is all big steps towards making mental health normal. The only difference is that the further down the scale you go, the more you mental health 'disables' you from living a normal life. So thank you, for all your feedback and please do keep sharing and retweeting my blog.

Talk about normal life, did I mention I'm in pantomime in a few weeks? Tickets on sale. Thank you :P


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Lounge fifteen presents Matthew E Streuli xxxx
Posted by Carol Campling on Saturday, 5 December 2015





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 FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA!! TWITTER, TUMBLR and INSTAGRAM!! 

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Matt Idol 2015

Over the past year my blog has left comedy and focused on mental health.
@MattStreuli
 This week I'm bringing back some of that comedy. As December starts its time to review the last year and offer up some candidates for people who deserve more recognition; people I admire. 
This is Matt Idol. #cuemusic

 It's not a way to idolise me - I wouldn't idolise me but that's because I've met me. We've got a few candidates from different aspects of life so please bear with and tweet me your feedback. Below each little write up I've included a relevant video or picture - please keep reading - I've put a reward at the very bottom.

Laura Nuttall  @Lozzamogz

Laura is clever, articulate and relatable young lady from North England. I stumbled across her YouTube videos earlier this year as I was looking for information on what it is like to be 'sectioned'. Laura has, and does, struggle with mental health describing herself as 'Schizoaffected'. Earlier this year she posted some honest videos about her experience in mental health hospitals in the UK; some of which was devastating to hear. When you watch her videos, you gain an insight into her life and also how normal she is; despite the stigma of mental health and being section represents. I have only briefly spoken to Laura on twitter but I find her story (through her social media and YouTube) to be particularly inspiring. Here is a bright, beautiful and compassionate young woman, similar age to me, who has had such a difficult struggle and yet still has acheived so much including graduating in psychology. Laura was admitted to hospital earlier this month but was well enough to attend the MIND Awards 2015 where she won the Blogger category. She was discharged earlier this week and is making great progress. Before moving onto the next entry, have a look at her channel especially the video below. Seeing Laura smile, after know she has been so ill, made me beam!
Thank you for sharing your story, I would love to come close to your honesty, your passion and your success.

Jenson Button MBE

Jenson has had every reason to feel angry or at least frustrated. He's been loyal to his team McLaren for almost five years and has acted as a proud ambassador not only for the sport but also his fellow drivers. Since his world championship win in 2009, Jenson has has a strong performance - even winning my favourite race in 2011 where in Canada he won the race after ending up last place due to 6 pit stops and a penalty in a soaking 4 hour wet race. Despite having an OK car, McLaren have kept falling behind the competition since the engines in Formula One moved from the noisy muscle to smaller more-fuel-efficient hybrid cars. This year, McLaren finished 9th out of 10 teams. As a McLaren fan I am disappointed and frustrated to the extent I can completely understand and forgive Alonso's outbursts throughout the year. Alonso, Jenson's team mate' joined McLaren because he had nothing to lose and felt that the risk of a new Honda engine might be the edge he needs to compete with the mighty Mercedes - but its the exact opposite. Despite all of this, plus the break-in to his house this August where thieves gassed him and his wife to sleep, he has remained cool, clever and kept on. His cheeky grin never far away. He could of so easily walked away and joined a TV commentary team or even went and raced in rally or endurance - yet he fights on. His car was a go kart compared to some of his competitors, yet he has still provided some of the most exciting wheel to wheel action of the season. Louis Hamilton and others will have their names recorded in other awards but I wanted to celebrate other achievements and my 'fandom' for Jenson keeps growing. The below video highlights Jenson's personality especially in a poor year of F1.

Mental Health Aware

instagram.com/mentalhealthaware/

This is an Instagram and twitter account run by Deano Hollett. There is not much of a backstory but I would ask you have a look and follow them. 

They post several times a day with a range of pictures and quotes some are to inspire you and others to help us all reevaluate our viewpoints. Either way, it raises the profile of mental health and I always enjoy reading their posts.  pic.twitter.com/Y4jOkCKI0N
  

Tom Scott

 If you have never heard of him, then you are missing out. I wanted to feature a YouTuber as I probably watch more YouTube than broadcast TV and feel that some of the content they are directing, producing, editing and presenting is freaking amazing. I looked through the channels I regularly watch and decided that Tom does an incredible job of every aspect and quite a bit of it, solo. His regular series "Things You Might Not Know" is genius and takes the viewer from weird British bridges to the radioactive remains of Chernobyl. Whether it is the bizarre code that killed Chrome, the moonpig bug or the 'Heartbeat' threat, Tom is there quickly to explain in simple yet entertaining ways how it works and why this is an issue. His videos are fun, clever yet most of all entertaining. Some of his videos are pure comedy and some carry a serious message but that's part of his charm keeping you glued to every video. PLEASE, I implore you, to go subscribe to his channel and binge on his videoes. Thou shalt not regret it.


And that's the end of this list...

Come see me in panto! Details at www.ihdc.co.uk
for now at least!

Your feedback is always welcome and I'd like thank you for staying with my weekly blog and reading every post - the stats show you do :)
It means the world to me that I am able to help promote better understanding of mental health, whilst therapeutically helping myself and hopefully we've all had a laugh at times too (suicide attempt and discrimination aside!). 

Keep scrolling, I've posted a few favourite things from the past week. Keep sharing, and please do tweet your feedback - THANK YOU xxx




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A video posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
A video posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
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9.9 Million Days and I'm in Limbo

bottled_void / flickr
 Creative Commons
At this moment I am on long term sick, contributing to the 9.9 million days that are annually lost to work-based stress or related issues surrounding mental health according to the Health and Safety Executive. I've agreed with my employer that I will not return to that post I now have to hope that a new position is found before my sick pay runs out.

  Four months ago, I tried to kill myself. I'll try to summarise and leave the full details on previous posts of my blog but the main cause was stress and workload at work.  Meanwhile I've seen GPs, my psychologist, I've spoken with Citizens Advice Bureau and the fantastic team at MIND, the mental health charity. Last week I covered my meeting with HR. He discriminated against me; I assume because of my health condition and so it feels like they tried to constructively dismiss me. I went straight to HR. He knowingly exacerbated my condition or at least did nothing to prevent conditions getting worse.
The predominant cause of work related stress ... was workload (tight deadlines, too much work/pressure/responsibility). Other factors identified included a lack of managerial support, organisational changes at work, violence and role uncertainty (lack of clarity about job/uncertain what meant to do.) 
- HSE Stress Fact Sheet / Labour Force Survey (2009/10-2011/12)

I am now in limbo.

 I could do nothing and hope that a position is found but either my cynical side or my illness makes me think I am damaged goods for disposal. I want to find a good solicitor who will take on the fight of discrimination and personal injury or failure in duty of care and get me the compensation that will pay for my care. Where do I find them? Who would take on a case knowing I have no money and an income about to expire. A side effect of my mental health is that I feel pressured to act now. I have to fight 'my battle' now, whilst I am fit and articulate before the 'black dog' strikes me down. Remember, 43% of all work days lost due to ill health in 2014 relate back to stress and workplace mental health, so I cannot be the only one in these shoes.

New glasses!
 One option I am trying to pursue is the career of being a spokesman for mental health. Recently I was invited to take part in a debate on LBC Radio discussing the public health crisis of male suicide; something I am lucky to have survived. How do I move on?
I've tried to publicise my story through twitter and even relate it to the fantastic efforts to get the male suicide crisis discussed just last Thursday in the House of Commons. I would love to be on the review of the newspapers on Sky or the BBC or maybe I could make my wage in just offering my story and being a point of reference for the media?

 Do I just wait and hope for a lucky break?

  Post continues below...

are you looking for contributors / commentators on #mentalhealth or #malesuicide ? #Survivor https://t.co/lk8GZgT5H8— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) 
http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/133521941455/the-life-expectancy-for-people-with-mental-health


I find myself stuck.
At this time, I cannot claim benefits and any legal action would take months. How do I pay my mortgage? What can I do? Will I ever be able to work in a office or any stressful environment like a shop again?

2015-11-23-1448241525-5474571-12239745_1099603530051861_4842113095977253601_n.jpg
Tickets are available online at www.ihdc.co.uk
All profits help fund our nonprofit community club.  Iver Heath Drama Club 
 My story is not all gloom. I have many positives to hold on to. I have an amazing set of friends and family plus I have found positive and sometimes therapeutic outlets such as my blog, the articles I write on Huffington Post and even my time as a Dame in the pantomime at the local drama club - I look stunning in pink boots! Whatever I do though, I still have this nagging feeling that I am just hoping for one lucky break, for one chance, otherwise I have no idea how I will buy my bread and milk this Christmas.

What else can I try?

Need help? In the UK, call The Samaritans free on 116 123. Alternatively, further information plus legal support lines are available from MIND, the mental health charity, at www.mind.org.uk
Matt Streuli is a blogger, actor and YouTuber who is passionate about mental health and his local community. He has made a career in customer service, entertainment and customer care. He is the Chairman and dame of the Iver Heath Drama Club in South Bucks. 
In his spare time, he hosts The Matt Streuli Show on Southwaves Radio (Thursday 8pm) and lives near Pinewood Studios on the edge of London. His website is www.MattStreuli.uk
A video posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
photo credit: There's more to life than bills & more bills. via photopin (license)
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Closing the door

Over the past few editions of my blog I've been recapping my story and explaining the anxiety I've felt towards my meeting with HR but actually I didn't need to worry so much. 
If I didn't ask for help they would have my blood on their hands.
 -Last weeks blog post

 I got up early and dosed myself on propranolol before heading to my parents' house.  
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=503977179776810&substory_index=0&id=499312536909941


I was asked if I was making a complaint or a grievance but even with their explanation, I'm still not too sure of the difference. They didn’t answer the points in my letter per se but were happy to accept that I am not willing to return to work in that team for that manager. Whist that is never how I would want to leave a post, I have to accept that I have been forced out and so close that door.

 They did imply I should go see my psychologist again but given my manager's behaviour I think this might just be to cover myself legally and prove this was a key cause of my current sick leave. HR did agree to look for positions for me elsewhere in the company and I should look too. Unless we find a new position before hand, we suggested another meeting in early January as my paid sick leave runs out so we can discuss how we proceed. My stepmother was present to act as an advocate for me and did ask that given they accept my manager’s behaviour was wrong, would they extend my paid sick leave. The answer was no and any further wages would be down to an assessment by their Health Insurance. 

 I feel a massive sense of relief that they were so understanding and perhaps in hindsight I allowed my anxiety to get the better of me regarding how bad this meeting could have been or how negative they may have been. They have asked that I remained signed off until we can agree on a new position – I don’t know if this is best legally but I am currently signed off until end of this month. Part of me is worried that I may not be able to work, that I am too ill, and all because of my time in that team; I wasn’t this ill 12 months ago – I guess I won’t know until I try but I have a mortgage and bills to pay.

Once I get their letter summarising the meeting I'm going to call MIND's legal helpline. They admitted the manager shouldn't say those things but didn't comment on whether laws had been broken or if it was bullying. There is no harm in getting legal advice. If I can prove my condition is worse due to their inaction and treatment, surely that is a personal injury claim?

My stepmother did raise one question to me privately regarding my diagnosis. She asked why I have borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar disorder and I couldn’t give a definitive answer. I think it was because my ‘black patches’ were caused by events rather than just occurring but She believes that I show clear signs of severe depression and clear signed of mania, some of which I miss because she has an external view compared to me.  She is a Specialist Nurse who has just retired but has limited experience in mental health.  I have been reading DSM 5 which suggested there is a lot of overlap between the two conditions. In theory, would it be possible to trial me on medication for bipolar? Is there any harm in trying? 

higeneskimdom/tumblr
Going back to personal injury, I just wanted to mention the terrorist attacks that have taken place in Paris as well as the incidents in Iraq and Syria to name a few. I need to leave you with a thought that I realised through a tumblr post (below) in the past couple of days. The injuries are not limited to those who were shot or blown apart. 
Bataclan Theatre aftermath: shockmansion.com

The mental health injury spreads to those who help the victims, whether medical professionals or locals trying to help, and even further to the victims friends and family at home. To witness the blood and brutality first hand is a horrifying image especially as stories come to light such as those from the Bataclan theatre where people lay hidden under their dead friends. The wounds in the mental health are more complex and will take much longer to heal. Learning to move on, understand and accept what you have seen or the loss of a loved one in such a needless and barbaric way can never be as easy as shutting a door.
http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/133395168817/httpsinstagramcomp-kucvkaiom-come-see-me


http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/133201223017/i-had-a-horrible-day-i-am-from-paris-there-were
A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on
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The Mental Health Fight & Unboxing a Little Box of Distractions

Four months ago, I tried to kill myself. The main cause was stress and workload at work, since we had lost several members of staff without them being replaced, but the trigger was an incident at work where I defended someone I 'saw' as vulnerable but I came under attack. Without consciously knowing it, I needed to look after that vulnerable person just as I was the sole carer for my Mother between the ages of 8 and 13. She died when I was 13 from alcoholism. My 'damaged' hardware and software of my mind crashed. Once I returned to work, I volunteered my NHS assessments to my employer, saw their appointed Doctor who gave them a list of adjustments (which they only followed one of) and I agreed to be more open rather than bottle things up. I did. We all did.
I lasted just over 3 months. The trigger was when I brought something to the attention of my senior Manager and challenged him, just like we are always being told to. I told him he had offended some of the staff and he replied with "I don't care". It set off the same cascade failure we had seen a few months earlier except this time, I asked for help. When I told that same manager I had been signed off due to work he replied "No one else has a problem." He even tried to convince me to resign. I've seen GPs, my psychologists, I've spoken with solicitors and legal teams at Citizens Advice Bureau and ACAS as well as the fantastic team at MIND, the mental health charity. He discriminated against me, I assume because of my health condition, and tried to constructively dismiss me. I went straight to HR.

I self harmed because of him.  They knowingly exacerbated my condition.

On Monday, after some postponement, I have my first meeting with HR. If I didn't ask for help, this meeting could be taking place at an inquest in front of the press and a coroner. If I didn't ask for help they would have my blood on their hands.

I summarise my story because some of you are new to my blog. I have proactively removed any evidence of who I work for from my website and social media and I have never mentioned it here or in my interviews with the press. I want to tell my story but I do not wish for the negligent behaviour of a man to damage such a fantastic company I would work for but, I make clear, I would rather KILL MYSELF, then work in that department again or for that man again.

Such a meeting is playing on my mind. I went on a midnight walk last night to try and clear it. Will they be reasonable? Will they care about me? Will they be concerned for the welfare of those at work, working Saturdays to try and keep up? Will they want me to back in a different division?

Even though I am so much better than I was four months ago when I tried to kill myself, and better than I was a month ago when I first asked for help, my anxiety has returned and I am scared for my future. How will I pay my credit cards? My mortgage? It would be great if I could do more interviews like the one for LBC last week and fill my life with the little volunteer projects for the local Police and even this blog, but how will that feed or water me?

One way of helping people with mental health, especially those in a difficult place or an unhealthy frame of mind, is a box of distractions. Kerry Elliot is running a scheme where those who need the box can get one for free or a small donation. The scheme is crowdfunded. It is a brilliant idea and is really helping me at the moment, taking myself away from some of the more destructive thoughts. A video review is down below but boxes like this are really helping. I wonder whether a monthly box, like lootcrate, would work. I'm quite interested to use some of them and as you will see from the video, my cat Punch likes them too.

I have so much going for me. Hopefully you'll agree my interview on LBC went really well and maybe they will give me the leg up to do more media things. My radio show has a steady amount of listeners and my blog gets steadily more popular. The pantomime is coming really well and for the first time in a couple of years, I'm not being all negative and hateful towards it, an apparent side effect of work. I'm fighting. Fighting not to let them kill me. Fighting not to overthink. Fighting not to fail. Fighting for what is right and just. Fighting so that people with mental health are not locked away or left for dead. Fighting to survive and so that others survive too. Fighting to help others, and not hurt them.

I can see all of this on a loop. I'm going to open up that box and distract myself. I have to try.








http://mattstreuli.tumblr.com/post/132933305867/buy-your-tickets-now-and-the-booking-fee-is-free

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