Friday, 19 December 2014

When your still waiting for the snow to fall, it doesn't really feel like Christmas at all....

Ah Christmas!  Don't you just hate it? Go see the pictures then read this. 
I am coming up the other side of my black patch which made me think how I would explain my cycles.
And a cycle is exactly what it is. It is where we all have our ups and downs. I've drawn a cycle for me which probably takes 4-6 weeks. The difference I believe between you and me is that my highs and lows are more extreme than the average -  the average is what society considers normal. Everyone else is  bit more sine wave than me. 
Now I love being high: passionate, full of ideas and the energy to carry them out, a rose tinted view of everything plus I sleep for 4hours max each night for a few days.
It's the crash that brings me to rock bottom that you will have read about in my past couple of posts but I could summarise with self loathing, self harm and even suicidal thoughts.

When I'm high, then the lows seem worth bearing with.  When I'm low, nothing is worth living like this.
Still I'm coming up the other side for now.

I'm going to my GPs on Monday to try and get officially diagnosed and maybe some meds to help stop me crashing so hard and low.
Before I wrap this post up I just want to say a huge thank you to some great friends I have who have stood by me and given me room and given me 'slack' when maybe I haven't always deserved it and been greatful. I find it difficult not to put on my happy and entertaining face in a group (except when I'm very low and then I don't even try - sorry if I was ├╝ber rude to you!) and so I struggle to say this thank you to people or to explain how I actually think or feel. Claire, your text meant the world to me and I am so lucky to have a tolerant big sister like you. Carol, your messages were great and where some are scared of mental illness you were there with a hug which I desperately need. Aidan with help from Lee, Emily, Falcon and Louis, you tried to cheer me up when I needed lifting out of my ditch. Elli, My crazy Dutch friend,  it's nice to have someone outside of the situation to offer a ear. Tiff, thanks for making me smile! 
So I say thank you and that If you'd like a Costa Coffee, a hug and chat / cry then I would love that too. Xx
Right now, I'm watching TV with my nan (I suspect Alzheimers) and having a biscuit. I'm OK.

Otherwise I'm a proud member of the Mental Health charity MIND and I'd like to say a big thank you to Claire who made a donation to mind rather than spend the money on cards and stamps. You can too :There are two ways to donate to Mind via text (UK only) Text SUPPORT to 70660 or Text GIVE to 82772

I'm done now.  You can go.  Enjoy Christmas you lucky barstards. ;)