If I was counselling someone else I would of said it, so why didn't I say it?
Emotions can seriously hinder OR enhance your capacity, success and logic. I've derived this all from "you shouldn't apologise for how you feel".
You are never wrong for feeling how you do. You might feel it and then find out the cause (what you heard, or meant) was in error. You might even learn they didn't mean to say or imply what she did. Even so, it was hard for my logical mind to change my emotional heart; I feel anger, hurt untrusted and oddly guilty.
I often wonder, after observing others, am I the only one who feels such guilt? Have you felt that?
If everyone else felt such guilt about upsetting people, even when they have right to feel hurt themselves, then wars and the pettiest of arguments wouldn't never come be.
When it comes to a dispute, I still feel anger and hurt and enormous guilt so I'd much rather crawl back and grovel. Even after all this time its somehow easier sacrificing how I feel and its cause so I can end the pain and make everyone else ok. But then, I could argue that that maybe if I'm the only one feeling great guilt over it, then it is unlikely they feel the same great pain I do. Surely if they felt the same pain they would feel the same guilt over upsetting someone? - Cause and effect?
Just by reading that last paragraph you can see why we shouldn't counsel ourselves.
Right now there is someone I think a great deal of having this internal monologue. I've had it many times. Yes, taking all the blame even if it isn't your fault, is the easy option. But that option will eat away at you and slow burn you from the inside out. It will pollute how you see, feel and interact in the world. The right option is honesty. The right option is standing your ground, holding your morals and defending yourself. You are loved and deserve the real love of a good person - not the murky waters you're settling for.
For those of you who like to put everything in writing, so you can plan and think your feelings, then I recommend contacting the email team of the Samaritans.
📷 bryantmcgill: Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. —... https://t.co/ZhifdCIHsm
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Oh my blessed relief, I crave you.
A tiny flinch and that combustion is released: a pool forms
and with a wipe, I'm briefly fine.
In 1973, security at the BBC took 3 hours to decide whether to let in an invited interview guest for Radio 4's TODAY programme who, as a patient himself, was founding a union for mental health patients. In 1974 the US Civil Service finally backed down and removed the question "Have you ever been mentally ill?" from Government employment forms. Only a few years earlier had the fearsome US mental institutions we now picture in nightmares had started to close after a court had ruled it was unjust to make inmates patients work for free. With the economic issues in the UK, institutes were closed but this was abandoning and leaving people without the education or just simply too ill to survive or thrive in Thatcher's Britain.
A 1970s Office at the Cambridge Museum of Computing
It took 66 years from the first powered flight to humanity landing on the moon. The pace of advancement is amazing. In 1976 the Queen sent her first email. A few years later the Commodore PET appears with an amazing 8KB of memory. Here we are 40 years later and I'm typing this blog on a laptop which is smaller, lighter, half the price (ignoring inflation) with 8GB of RAM. In 40 years humanity's advancement means my computer is cheaper and has a mind boggling 1,048,576 times the memory. Our advancement also means I get several hundred more emails a week than Queenie did in 1976 with over 70% of them landing in my spam folder for their 'unique' content.
In 2015, more than half the ambulance call-outs to York university students are for self harm. Tabloids no longer shout about teenage pregnancy rates but instead that more teens are self-harming than ever before. In my last post I explained how some unfair and extremely rude behaviour nearly pulled down all my progress in my own EUPD/BPD battles.
"It’s morally repugnant to neglect mental health, but it is also economically stupid, with its cost to the economy. The fact is, we’re not smart on how we spend money. We spend a fortune, rather than preventing it at the start.” - Norman Lamb MP
Click images to view full screen
Over the past decade, the trend has become more and more pronounced; more young men are dying by than own hand than through drugs, traffic accidents or heart disease. For UK women, suicide rates dropped over the 1960s and into the 1970's and have stayed steadily low even dropping slightly lower. Suicide rates for UK men slightly dropped in the 1970s, partially credited due to cleaner engine exhausts, but steadily grew since creating the large gap between men and women. According to the World Health Organisation data, UK women have their lowest suicide rate ever whilst our men have shown little improvement compared to 40 or even 60 years ago.
More young men are dying by than own hand than through drugs, traffic accidents or heart disease.
In other news... we now have two cats! Video below!
Why is there a gap? How has the fight become so lopsided?
Or are Women just better when it comes to mental health or the stress of our modern world than men?
Are they better are confronting it, handling it and as such discussing it?
“in the medical community, you would never deny a diabetic his insulin.” - Kristen Bell, Actress who plays Princess Anna in Frozen and has Depression and Anxiety.
Join @bluesmudge and @mattstreuli on twitter
I simply have no idea. I just know we need to do more. Please use this chance to flick back through the past weeks of my blog; you can see the most viewed articles in the left-hand sidebar which feature my own battles with depression, self-harm, anxiety, workplace discrimination, speaking in the media and public and being diagnosed with a mental health illness. Would my story been drastically different if I didn't have a penis? Or is it just that society may of treated me slightly differently and I may have been more willing to seek help sooner? I read the blogs and watch the vlogs of fellow mental health advocates (such as Laura's vlog below), sometimes with some envy at how well they can express and articulate their feelings, story and situation. My GCSEs and A Levels tell me that I am a smart enough person but is there something in my male nature or my nurture that prevents me and my fellow men from achieving the same? Or do we not generate the same response from the media or public? Is this discussion sexist for suggesting that women are better at emotional regulation or discussing and resolving mental health issues than men? I don't mean to cause offense but the evidence is all repeated in stats and graphs all over my blog.
PLEASE Comment here or on my facebook page with your thoughts.
Is now the time for local "Time to Change" action groups to just simply highlight the matter and signpost the options for everyone? Including the silently suicidal men?
Just before I go, thank you to everyone who has clicked DONATE below - every penny really helps. As you may of seen from my social media, links below, I have my first professional feature-length acting role and I'm excited to share it with you. You can see more here: DOGGED
There was a time, not too long ago, where someone being rude to me and unfair or unjust would have lead me to spiral into a depressive episode full of self harm and unvented anger. There was even a time when it only needed a perceived injustice from my oversensitive mind to trigger all of it.
This post may of taken over a week to write (partly due to my ongoing cough/cold/chest infection, part holiday and part processing what happened) but I think we should take time to assimilate and reflect.
He replied with a “Yes” and slow hand clapped until I left the store. I felt angry, humiliated and mocked.
The story begins at Gatwick airport while we are 'en route' to our lazy summer holiday in Spain. The scrutiny of airport security already increases your anxiety; not because I have anything to hide but rather what could I of left in my bag by mistake. Once through you check the screens to see that the Gate isn't there yet. In this world of budget airlines and accountants making every second pay, the pressure of getting to the gate in the microseconds allocated is enough to make anyone's anxiety pop. You have time to kill, so you think, so you browse the duty free...
At around 0430hrs I entered a large branch of a well known UK Tech Store potted a pair of Marshall Major II Wireless headphones. On the price peg label was a promotional sign echoing the pop-up banner outside the store.
The offer as worded on their website also appeared on displays in store.
The price label for the headphones showed £129.92. Being a savvy shopper and a lover of tech I opened the Amazon App and scanned the product barcode. The first result, whilst being eligible for Amazon Prime and Fulfilled by Amazon was not actually sold by Amazon but a Third Party Seller. A quick look in the More Sellers showed Amazon.co.uk selling the item themselves for £120.00 This means that I have found the same product cheaper at one of the comparison retailers so I should get double the difference. Right?
I approached the till and asked for this. The member of staff passed me to a gentleman saying he was a Manager. He refused to honour the offer. This is very confusing. I tried to clarify if he was implying that Amazon Prime is a Third Party Seller, which of course they are not. He agreed that Amazon Prime is part of Amazon. The only reason he could advise me he was refusing to honour the promotion as advertised is because Amazon Prime gives me free delivery. Given that Amazon Prime is a service provided by Amazon and not a ‘third party’ I believe it is fraudulently misleading to not honour products sold by Amazon themselves which are included in the Prime service, such as this example. No exclusion to Prime members or products which are included with or eligible for Prime is listed on in-store Point of Sale promotional displays or on the website.
I was angry. I've worked in Customer Service for some major brands and so I think I have a good understanding of UK law. What is happening is unfair and illogical. I think that's why it wound me up so much, there was no valid or intelligent reason. I didn't want him or the company to get away with it. It's fraud. It is promising something to the public they are not willing to keep. It is as simple as that. Having seen customer service from both sides of the counter in many different industries I know that often the loudest customers get the most support and appeasement. I am not a loud person but I have grown enough to stand my ground without having an anxiety attack... right?
I attempted to explain that there is nothing forbidding me the same promotion as non-Prime customers or showing that Amazon Prime products are excluded on the POS displays. This was infuriating so I asked to make a complaint. I asked him for his full name several times until he gave it and when asking for a Branch Manager’s name he told me to write to “Gavin Wood”. At the time I assumed Mr Wood was someone in store but from research I understand he is Head of Operations for the parent company.
A view from our Room - Video Review on my YouTube!
I asked him one last time; “Are you refusing to give me the offer your display promises because it is Amazon Prime and the posters say Amazon?” To this he replied with a “Yes” and slow hand clapped until I left the store. I felt angry, humiliated and mocked.
I am completely sure that either the Point of Sales Displays are incorrect and “materially misleading” or this staff member is in breach of the promotional terms and as such ‘conning’ and 'bullying' the brand's loyal customers.
I'm angry. I would never allow anyone, whether more or less senior than me, to talk to a paying customer like that. It hurt. I can happily admit that I had been firm and stood my ground. Perhaps he felt like he was being interrogated but a manager should have the training, skills and the intelligence to handle and deescalate such a situation without resorting to childish bullying. We live in a modern, equal 21st century world and why should I or anyone have to accept it.
I power walked to the smaller of of the two outlets at Gatwick North and I spoke with someone dressed as if they could be a manager (not in standard uniform). At this point I would like to commend that person for her handling of this situation and helping me calm down. She was obviously shocked by her colleague’s behavior especially for, in her words, “the sake of £9”. Once I was calmed down she left me with her colleague whilst she went to the other branch to speak with the staff there and retrieve the product in question. We both quickly looked at a A5 sized Point of Sale display showing the offer. In the end she sold me the headphones, timed at 05:13hrs, matching Amazon’s price of £120.00.
I felt some sense of justice. I had stood my ground. I wasn't rude but I didn't let someone bully me. Then sheer panic. We are in an airport, waiting for a flight.
Blue_Smudge and I then ran the normally 10 minute walk to our gate to catch our flight only to be told the doors were closed minutes earlier. We had missed our flight.
Over the course of the next 2-3 hours we both queued to collect our bags, pass back through UK Customs and Border Control and then at customer service to try and get on a different flight. At the cost of £80 per person we then had to travel separately on two flights later in the day to our holiday Palma. This is all because one person illogically refused to honour an offer without reason and then proceeded to bully me. Or is it my fault for standing my ground? Is this Karma or whatever saying "life is unfair" and I am an unimportant cog in the wheels of life. As we sat back in departures waiting for check in for our two separate flights, I could feel that depressive spiral growing even with my anti-anxiety medication.
I think we deserved the Kids Meal Pack on the flight home!
I could end the story here but as you can see we did finally get to Spain and have a lovely holiday. You may have even seen the video at the bottom of the post with a ring in it!
In the end my replacement flight was delayed over 3 hours (a window fell out the aircraft and they had to send a replacement aircraft! Fills you with optimism...) so I arrived at roughly the same time as Blue_Smudge. As we were now very late our transfer was long gone but the taxi fare wasn't too bad.
At the time of posting this we are back in the UK, and I still have this chesty cough and sinus thing blocking my lungs, ears and nose. I have spoken through formal letters with the Head Office of the retailer involved who has explained that Amazon Prime products, as long as they are sold by Amazon are included. Perhaps the confusion comes from the fact that some products can have Amazon Prime but be sold by a Third Party. I have not named the Brand or the Parent Company as I have no reason to, I sincerely hope this was one bad member of staff in a branch which misunderstood an offer. HOWEVER, I have asked them to reimburse me for the extra cost (£160) of changing flights and as i only received a 'price match' then I am due further reimbursement to the 'double discount' offer. I hope we can all have a happy ending and I can remain a loyal happy customer.
If nothing else we had a good holiday... except our hotel to airport transfer didn't turn up and our homeward flight was delayed a little bit.
I am proud that I stood up to injustice. I feel so close to actually getting justice. Part of me wonders if I had kept quiet and just accepted the bullying, we would of had a less stressful and late start to our lovely holiday.
The medication helped. The therapy and support from the NHS helps. The love and support from my friends, family and cat has kept me afloat and given me passion to fight. The person who has made a massive, perhaps the biggest, impact on my life is Blue_Smudge. She understands me and facilitates me. An engagement is in the future but I wanted to make a gesture to show how much I value and appreciate her love and freindship and how deeply I feel it towards her. A Promise Ring.
Thank you for your support - please keep sharing my blog and checking out the past few posts too. Every view, advert click and donation makes a huge difference. xxx
Where does time go?
Welcome to my new look blog! I've spent the last day or two tweaking its facade as everything needs a refresh from time to time; so welcome to it. Unless of course you are new to my blog and didn't see the last look - I mean you are still welcome but it is all new. Or perhaps you are visiting in the far future and the blog has gone through one or more updates still. Either way, I'll wipe the dribble from my chin and welcome all of you to my blog.
If you are new to the story, or just in need of a recap, I'm Matt. I'm 26 and lucky enough to live in my own flat with my cat and my girlfriend who has just moved in. We met as teenagers and drifted apart over senior school until a few months ago our paths crossed again. Despite being apart our paths have similar parallels. I mostly blog about my adventures and battles in life; the biggest one being with my mental health. My diagnosis has evolved since my teenage years from Depression to Bipolar Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and most recently onto EUPD or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Depending on the specialist and their field of study there is some debate over nature and nurture as to the source of my mental illness. Perhaps it is inherited or it is the breakdown of my parents' marriage when I was 7 and 8 which lead me into being the sole carer for my alcoholic Mother until her demise when I was 13. I've had good and bad: I've achieved 12 GCSEs and 3 A Levels but I have also suffered from Workplace Discrimination.
Whether you have just joined us or you've read a few of my past posts (or you are a star and read them all including clicking on adverts hehe!) then you can see how understanding mental illness has been a key part of my life. At times it has lead me into darkness - my suicide attempt a year ago and the scars I bear from past Self-Harm. In other times it has given me power and strength - I've written for The Guardian, spoken publicly on stigma and discrimination in workplaces for charities on mental health and stress. It even helped introduce me and connect me to my partner. For quite a while now, I've dabbled with the thought of a tattoo until on Saturday a chance tweet from my best friend Aidan ended up in the three of us getting the Semicolon Tattoo.
"The semicolon is used when a sentence could have ended, but didn't."
Post continues below video:
Within 90 seconds the permanent, matching and deeply meaningful marks were done. They still need a bit of care with some moisturiser but they look pretty good - except for the obvious shaved patch where my tattoo lives! I felt incredibly anxious about the pain which is why I needed the group mentality to ever do it but like with so many things I over worry about - it wasn't all that bad. Caroline, my girlfriend, is interested in more but I have no intentions.
When I'm not blogging, I am the proud Chairman of a local drama club which helps install confidence and social or community ethics into our youth - as it did for me. I like to make a few YouTube videos, mostly of drama shows and unboxings. I also present a weekly radio show as well as stop the chaos as a Lollipop Man. Recently, thanks to the support of my amazing Lady, I have become more active in a local primary school which has included making snails from pipe cleaners and pruning the outdoor area while on a treasure hunt.
Initially I was petrified of any big working commitment. As I've mentioned in previous weeks - why risk what I have now? Whether you look at my mental or physical health, I am better today than I have been for years although having no full time job or support in state benefits means the contrary for my bank balance. Just a few days here and there at the school and instead of being overwhelmed or flooded with depression and anxiety, I find myself excited to be there more and sad when I'm not. Even if it is just supervising or hovering around, our youngsters are bright and imaginative each with a unique personality of cheekiness and charm. I've been with Caroline to a few open days on teaching and Primary Education and I can tell you that despite it being a slightly bizarre world, it is a beautiful and intelligent one.
I've prattled on enough for one post so as one youngster said to me recently: "Zip it!"
#TheCheek! #Kids...who'dhave'em!
Oh and I didn't even mention how amazing Coldplay were - big thanks to my Bestie Aidan for organising that fantastic event. Their latest single is Caroline and my current favourite - hence the title for this week. With Caroline potentially off to Uni and I'm getting better and well enough to volunteer more and more - things are going Up and Up.
Thank you for reading, sharing and clicking all over my blog. Please do have a look at the links above and the social media fun below.
You are stars! xx
The holidays are over and it is back to the world of work - albeit a simpler version for me. On one hand, media work is my main career but it is not always a reliable one in terms of income. Lollipopping has been my main income and the end of half term brings me back down to earth with a bump.
Life is full of stress but there are many different kinds. For example, did you know an average officer worker is more stressed on a busy commute than a stunt pilot? There are different kinds of stress and while no one can deny a stunt pilot is under pressure, he experiences the stress as a positive adrenalin rush. Where as Mr MiddleManagment's heart is exploding as the traffic again slows to a crawl on the M25.
Some stress is good. It motivates you. The stress of directing the show I mentioned last week (and the press cutting below) can be frustrating and feel like quite a burden but the reward is seeing a magnificent show come together with some really good talent given the chance to shine brightly whilst learning and growing from it. Our final dress rehearsal was not the panicking disaster my pessimistic mind tried to frighten me with. Everything slotting into place left me with a beaming smile. I know they can do it but I needed more faith in myself.
"Always remember to fight for your happiness. #FFYH #SickNotWeak "
Why risk my health? I guess I have to, so I can pay my way in life. I've gently pushed myself and been happily impressed to where I reach. My girlfriend is moving in with me and slowly, she's helping me attack the flat I call home. Every few days we focus our efforts on something new; for example our hallway neat and cleaner than I think I have ever seen and the kitchen is close behind too. You get used to being alone. Self-isolation becomes a norm.
Having a mental health condition can also impact on how
you feel others see you, and even how you see yourself.
It feels like I'm still on holiday at times to spend so much time with her. I love her, dearly, and I'm really glad she's here. My Dad has told me he's seen a dramatic change.
That said I still don't have the faith I need in myself. Yes - I have done some fantastic things and carried some big burdens in my professional and volunteer work. Yet still that pessimistic voice argues it is never going to work again and it self stresses itself. My reliance on my anxiety medication to subside it hasn't lightened - in fact it really helped me at the first group family meal with my partner's parents and sisters. Perhaps a sign of the EUPD, it made me overwork and panic that everyone would hate me and what a fat failure I am. However, by the end of the night I think it went a bit better than OK.
Perhaps my pessimistic stress could let me be proud that I have not self harmed for a couple of weeks now, rather than anxiously worrying I will cut again.
Follow me on Twitter! @MattStreuli
Soon I should start voluntary work in the local school. It could lead to a career using that mind, qualifications and skills with youngsters who are so fantastic you can't help but smile and encourage them. On Saturday, I played Chauffeur to my girlfriend as we visited a University she is looking to study at (as a mature student) to qualify as a teacher. The whole ethos and style was really sold to me but wouldn't I just break? Even in the past few days, I felt OK yet depression has 'pinned me down'. Having my partner there to hold and support me made a real difference.
In case you are new to my blog (welcome by the way! Please have a look around), my Mum was alcoholic. From when I was 8 and she forced my Dad out the family home, I was her sole carer up until a few weeks before she died from alcoholic liver and organ failure.
Alcohol has always been a difficult thing for me. Only as an adult do I realise that it was a form of anxiety. My Mum's tipple of choice was Pinot Grigio... in 1.5 litre bottles from Oddbins.
"How do you explain you mother had multiple affairs forcing your father out the family home when you were nine and due to guilt and 3 or 4 deaths in the family and best friends the mother turns to dry white wine to deal with it resulting in a 13 year old boy learning to cook, clean and run a household plus his education whilst caring for said 47 year old alcoholic who then dies weeks after you run away and live with your father?"
I only tried wine when I started working at a Wine Store come Off License and went on Wine Courses. I found it quite therapeutic I guess to learn to appreciate wine for all of its flavours, textures and the culture around it. It turned an unhealthy relationship with wine into a sensible healthy one.
As you may of even seen from my instagram, over time I've worked through my issues to even 'over' enjoy a drink or two!
My Mum died in 2003. Yet I have seen her twice since.
This is post 108 on this blog and sometimes I lose track of which disaster I have told you about but to stay on track, today I shall tell you about the second time I 'saw' my Mum. The reason this story is one I can tell is that it happened last week and triggered the suicidal self-harm low you might of seen reflected in my Social Media. Before I start, my friend has been wracked with guilt but there is no need to be - she did nothing wrong - as it is the way my mind or brain processes the stimuli.
We went out to a house party with friends. I had a few drinks and was tipsy but she had a few more. She had a bit too much fun to the point where the fun came back up. I can handle vomit on the floor or whatever but the noise of retching makes me want to gag. I felt a bit unstable, mentally, trying to get her safely back home. I've looked after drunk people before so I have no idea why that night it affected it me more. We got in a taxi and just a minute down the road it all changed. Perhaps it was the panic setting in but I suddenly had to work out how to look after my inebriated comrade (which we all do from time to time!) and appease the taxi driver. However, my mind just went all soggy. The wobbling it has been doing over the past few weeks got worse to the point where when I looked at my friend sat on the kerb, I didn't see her. Just how am I to describe it? A hallucination? A flashback? It was like watching a film and suddenly the actress playing my friend was swapped with the one playing my dead mother, but I was the only one who could see it. Why did my head decide this was a helpful thing? In what way does this solve a slightly dirty uber and a very tipsy lady?
Sometimes images express how I feel better than I can.
See more at the bottom of every post.
If emotions come from the heart, it was screaming in fear. My head was trying to stay level but for a day or two it was racing. It hovered between a need to look after her and a need to run away and hide from the drunken Mum who was going to force me to go back to looking after her.
I managed to call some friends who took my girlfriend back with them to sober up and sleep while I went home. With her safe, I could focus on myself. Thanks to my medication and some haphazard attempts at mindfulness, I managed to calm down enough to rest and sleep.
I did my normal trick of self isolating and in the end used my knife to self harm. I've still felt low for the past couple of days but no where near as bad. In fact, well enough to try and socialise. Well enough to accept the love and support of friends and put on the mask for the wider world.
Depression is like a lead weight but its only for a short time am I able to lift it.
Stigma is all around and sometimes it is self-inflicted. Sometimes I struggle to be brave enough to say my illness is my mind or brain and how it processes and presents events and emotions. Sometimes it is easier for everyone to blame a jitty stomach.
My girlfriend has been amazing in looking after me as have my closest friends. I'm trying to be an adult and survive. I'm trying to fight the battle not just my own personal one but the bigger fight against stigma and the mental health crisis I seem to rant on so much about.
If you delve back through the archive, I've described my anxiety or depression or the wider mental health battles I have as fighting a forest fire. Somedays, I get the upper hand and push the fire back. Other days, I lose ground and become encompassed and swamped. On average I used to think I was pushing the fire back and maybe I'll never have it fully under control but its worth the fight. Recently, I've found fighting hard and now I'm wondering if I'm slowly falling back. Either way, I don't feel I'm the only firefighter battling this fire anymore.
Thank you to my amazing friends and family who have held my hand and supported me and thank you for sharing this blog. Every ad click, video view or retweet not only supports me with a few pence but fights stigma and puts this bigger mental health forest fire back in the forefront.
So... That was a crazy week. Where do I begin? I guess where our last post ended.
I was being called a 'crusader' by the local press so getting so frustrated with people breaking the law and trying to kill me, I started filming and posting it.
It is a tricky situation. My anxiety skyrocketed after so much press interest last week and some of the initial responses as I began have an internal struggle between venting my frustration and doing something about these incidents and trying to follow the correct channels and procedures which may not get me any results of if they do, get there too slowly.
As you can see from the press article linked above, my County Council are being very supportive and I think this is something I can be proactive about and bring a positive change with safer roads for everyone. Hell, if the we can get a method working of actually fining the worst offenders, it could even fund itself!
Perhaps it is my own frustration but what is the point of having laws if they are not enforced? If people can commit crimes, such as never stopping for me, and never get a telling off or a fine then they have no reason to stop. When other people see this behaviour, they start to follow suit.
As the week continued there was a 'Open Mic Night' (I'm planning on editing the footage later this week so keep an on my Twitter@MattStreuli) and a trip to Costco where I didn't spend any money. Now is perhaps a good time to admit that I've shown an interest in a certain young lady for a while now. I tried not to act upon but it had been mentioned to a couple of friends. The same friends who encourage said Lady to attend those events and my friend's 50th birthday on Saturday (again footage to be edited but there is some here on my Instagram).
My mind can be evil. Who could ever be attracted to me? I used to think I was the 'Leonard' from Big Bang Theory but I'm more like 'Raj'! Except Raj doesn't crossdress on stage and I'm not a PhD of some sort. Given the depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts I've discussed with you, why would someone choose me as a boyfriend? Yet after some flirting and hand holding from both sides it happened. She kissed me as I dropped her off from our long weekend and then in Brighton, on a day out with friends and my little sister, she asked me to be her boyfriend. Yes, I know that tradition dictates I do the woo-ing but I could never refuse her!
Speaking of weird things...
I was asked to help 'Time to Change' by attending another event (click here for info on last one) and talk to small groups about my experience. All I was told was it is a MoD building site. MoD standing for Ministry of Defence. I was expecting an old airfield or maybe a barracks that is being modernised or turned into housing. Nope.
I woke up feel anxious already. Talking on stage in heels, even if I ad-lib and ignore the script is almost second nature. Yet the prospect of appearing on 'a stage' as myself is more than scary. I pushed myself to do it and dosed up on meds. Coming off the M4 near Reading, I followed the directions I'd been given wondering why there were no signs and little traffic. As I turned the corner of a country road, with high hedges and farming fields aplenty, a giant site looking like a cross between Auschwitz and a radar station just appeared. It appeared in a way that immediately made me think that if I ever go down that road again, it would not be there. Parking in a car park outside the parameter I went into the reception rooms and bus station. There was a continuous bleep. Every second. That just built my anxiety. It was like being in George Orwell's Supermarket. Armoured vehicles and armed Police everywhere. I probably should not go into too much detail but the site is run by AWE who use it to store, construct and research nuclear weapons. We weren't talking to the MoD itself, but the building contractors and managers building the new modern buildings and silos. As you may of read in a previous post, I visited the 'Secret Nuclear Bunker' with my Father a few years ago and this, from what I could see, was the hi-tech futuristic version of that cold war history. This blog isn't the place to discuss whether we should rearm, renew or relinquish our nuclear deterrent and missile capability but simply having us there to discuss mental health and combat stigma can only help their staff and in turn keep them healthy and at work. Getting better and earlier intervention is a key element for everyone including businesses.
I guess that is it for this post.
Maybe it is my mind but I tend to feel that these are not the powerful poignant essays or rants I used to have. Perhaps you could comment with examples below or let me know if you think this borderline diary is still useful. If nothing else it does show the struggle of someone with mental health issues as they try to rebuild their life, if there is a future at all. Yet, I've been asked out by a stunning caring and clever lady - so I should never complain again! - Good luck hehe!
Thanks again for reading, following and sharing. x x
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Since my suicide attempt less than a year ago and my continuing story on this blog, I've quoted statistics and recounted tales imagining the world to be shocked and suddenly wake up. Perhaps trigger a moment of sudden realisation that we are living in a true crisis. After a flurry of tweets, my blog and its archive see a spike before falling silent. I'm frustrated and the world just keeps on, keeping on.
This week is Depression Awareness Week yet male viewers of the popular ITV morning show Lorraine are being encouraged to check their testicles through a 'Check Your Chaps' initiative. A worth cause and something all men should do but given that suicide kills more men then any and all cancers, perhaps we should all start to fight that war.
People have been sharing their feelings and views on depression on social media, using the hashtags #WhatYouDontSee and #DAW2016. Now seems like a good time to collate where I stand.
In 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder although this has changed to Borderline Personality Disorder over time.
With thanks to SANE and 23weeksocks
In previous posts here I've tried to describe the rather up and down, almost cycle or sine wave type, ride my emotions go through. Most of last week, I was pretty hyper. I was a buzz! I started my new job as a Lollipop Man (click link here for more) which doesn't quite pay all my bills but with my media work should keep me safe. Despite a huge downpour on Friday, its been sunny and all the parents and youngsters are lovely. I even went to see two TV shows being filmed at Pinewood Studios - which was brilliant free fun! - and even sang a few songs with my best friends at a local 'Open Mic' night. Yet, I still had depression. Yes; just because I am happy doesn't mean it has gone. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication which, with talking therapy alongside, helps me function in a some-what normal way.
A diabetic person who takes their medication, still has diabetes; even if like me they function pretty normally at least some of the time.
If a diabetic person stopped their meds, their condition would get worse. The exact same applies to mental health and, in turn, depression.
Read more on my work with YHP on last week's post - click here
I don't show the outward signs of depression all the time because of my condition but what is depression actually like?
I start to become grumpy. Snappy too. Before I had ideas and excitement, now pessimism is so powerful I cannot push myself to think anything is achievable. Living from one day to the next in almost a daze can lead to confusion and overwhelming feel that I'm too busy or under pressure even with a empty diary (not that happens anymore!). Occasionally we all like a lie in, but I feel drained every second resulting in my sleep pattern growing from 7 hours to 12 hours; waking up feeling just as tired as when I turned the light off. My enthusiasm for anything from friends and family, to this blog, radio show and even a love life is snuffed out. Everything will fail. I will fail. People are nice to me, remind me how talented I am whether in acting, singing or editing a YouTube video, yet I question their motives and flood with doubt and anger.
At worse, I cut myself off from the world. The pressure of even seeing the notifications on my phone are too much. Just back off! My curtains stay closed and isolate in bed where I cannot hurt you anymore. The only person I am violent to is myself as I mark, score and cut just to feel an emotion. Everyday life, like cooking, cleaning and even washing myself become almost too complicated and frightening.
Depression can be debilitating. It can kill. As we've discussed in past posts, more teenagers than ever self harm.
So what is the big dragon we all have to target? How do we fight this battle?
Yep. Not that easy. Modern life is full of stress. With the recession business slowed and so people were made redundant but as we slowly emerge and business regrows or is replaced, we find managers chasing sales and profit margins, not worrying about how safe, happy or healthy their workplace is. It might be illegal to ignore the mental health and safety of your staff but we are just a Human Resource after all. 9.9 millions sick days in 2014 encouraged the HSE, Health and Safety Executive, to launch a #HelpGBWorkWell plan.
It isn't just down to employers. Some schools now teach yoga to help children learn to look after their mind, as well as their body. Techniques for helping the brain grow and relax as well as caring for our physical body can help them through exams and into a busy, stressful life.
There are plans across the UK, in pockets, to try and get people the mental health treatment they need. Although, a lack of funding and cohesion, means that there is a 2 year wait for talking therapy in some areas on the NHS.
What can you do? Right now? Share this post.
Have a read back through the past few weeks, maybe my article for The Guardian and tweet your thoughts on them. Openly talk to people over lunch. Everyone has lost a close friend or family member so we can all relate and see how grief could merge into depression; they are almost the same thing at times. Even pop along to a local event; I'm at the Beaconsfield Beer Festival this weekend (details far below!)
You can also look after you, your friends and your family by giving yourself the time to relax, recharge and process the hetic life you lead which when I start to feel low is something I practise in selfcare.
Thank you for reading this week's post and please do have a browse though the last 12 months of posts using the tags to see how depression has completely changed my life.
PLEASE scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx
Yes! That's me! Picture with thanks to Twitter/Laurenmclcreate
My mind felt on edge. I'd taken my meds and planned my route, even looking at it on Google StreetView. As I walked past 221b Baker Street (which doesn't technically exist) my mind still wanted to run away. "I could just step into the road" is a thought my brain kept popping up over my shoulder as buses past me. This is the first day of the UK's inaugural Youth Health Parliament. A keen initiative to bring together people from across the Healthcare Sector into looking at the big problems we are facing today and what policies we can find and campaign on; hopefully bringing change and saving lives.
Soon enough I was at the London Business School on the edge of Regent's Park in Central London. After a cup of tea and relying on my acting skills, I buried my anxieties and actually said "Hello". I guess you could call it networking. Talking to an assistant in a shop can make me feel flustered so I'm quite proud of myself. Everyone I met was kind, friendly and passionate - oh and equally cynical as me!
There were some incredible speeches come lectures from people in PR, through to former Government advisors and a panel of experts on the current frontiers of the NHS. By lunchtime we had found two major problems. Firstly, our population is aging. Soon we will have more 'pensioners' than ever before. It is not just a question of how to treat them all in crisis or in a preventative way but also gaining, training and maintaining an already overwhelmed workforce with limited budgets. The second issue is mental health. For reasons I covered last week and throughout my blog, we are living in a time of crisis.
I know I shouldn't be a pessimist, but I am. My mind is conditioned that sometimes life isn't even worth the challenge of trying to achieve something but hearing the views and energy of the speakers and my fellow members of Parliament, I really think we could bang on the doors of power with a reasonable, practical yet life saving change to mental health across the UK. In the comments below, I'd be interested to hear if you have come across any 'early help' aside from having to be referred by a GP and waiting up to two years for help or the crisis support. To those of you outside the sphere of mental health; Yes, it really is this bad. Imagine breaking your arm and being told the waiting list for plaster casts is two years.
Speaking to my fellow committee members reminds to once again thank my friends and family for their support and love. I sometimes take it for granted how horrible it must be to read this blog or how difficult it must be to try and understand or imagine my mind. If nothing else, I hope this blog and my work on social media help you understand what's in my head - not that I do!
Finally my Psychologist has agreed to join the campaign to try and appeal the decision not to give me PIP, which is the current disability benefit. Along with my friends and family, we are all writing to the 'Department of Work and Pensions'. Last week I ranted about how I have worked and contributed to the system yet found myself abandoned when I've asked for aid. In my meeting with my Dr he asked about my suicidal thoughts.
When we compare who I am today, to where I was around the time of my suicide attempt last June, I am very much on the road to recovery. Yet, I still have episodes where I want to die. They don't have quite the impact they used to but I've grown so accustomed I don't even think to mention them. It made me look back through my blog at how suicidal I have felt and why I keep planning for my own death. To quote that post: "Suicide is the only way I can take control. It is the only way I can decide how tall that cliff face is." For the most part, it is still true but not as intense a drive - more controllable.
Apologies to everyone who prefers my rants, a little bit diary-esq this week!, but I implore you to put your email address in the box on the top left to receive a little alert letting you know I've posted. Also, please do follow my Facebook page where I try to offer advice and a different insight which I've embedded below the usual twitter and instagram antics below. Every view, like, share and ad click makes a big difference - so thank you.
PLEASE so scroll to the very bottom, enjoy the tweets, and click an advert! xx
