Over the past few weeks I've been rather candid about my mental health. I feel I have nothing to hide. I am not embarrassed or ashamed. If anything, I feel slightly empowered because I feel I am borderline coping which puts me in a good place to discuss and fight for the mental health cause. Last week I explained how I feel and think on my right to die and when I want it; by suicide.Whilst I am sure these are hard to read I ask that you do take a chance to have a browse through the past few blogs - it helps with the back story.
On Monday I met with a very nice NHS Psychologist. I'm guilty of working myself up and expecting the worst. Perhaps this is the anxiety that I've heard my HR and Doctors comment on. I then kick myself; force myself to go ahead. Every single Doctor or Nurse I have come across in my journey thus far has been incredible. 'Inner Matt' worries that the world will judge him. He worries that when being honest with the people he meets on this journey, they will react with fear or prejudice and lock him away. Then you realise that we are all human. I don't want to get all hippy, wet and liberal but I am touched by the sincere care, interest, compassion and understanding I've felt from not only the NHS teams but also from my line managers, my colleagues and my closest friends. You might have only sent a short text or facebook message - maybe it was just a tweet - but it really does make a difference when your struggling to hold on. I paraphrase my Doctor Who quote from my last post: "The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. And you definitely added to my
pile of good things."
Tuesday came and went. It was noticed at work that I was not my normal cheery self.
Wednesday. I turned a corner.
As you may of read I was diagnosed a few weeks with a Personality Disorder. The way I explained it on my blog is that bipolar (my preferred theory!) is when the mechanics/chemicals of the brain don’t quite work and like having a dodgy hip, it is not your fault. To me a Personality Disorder is more that the software on the brain doesn’t quite work and you end up with the fabled ‘Blue Screen of Death’. The way I perceive it, is that I am reasonable for my programming. I am my programming. Therefore a Personality Disorder is a disorder or problem with who and what makes me and it is my fault. My brain thinks this is logic and you must admit, it makes sense. I have been feeling anxious and guilty over this.
I had been at the lower end of the happy spectrum for a week or so – in hindsight. There is no buzz quite like having a room full of people laughing and applauding you – and maybe sometimes I forget that. I had been honestly thinking of leaving drama. I put in so much work. I used to do it because I enjoy it but now I just feel obligated. But nights like Wednesday with a bit of ad-lib stand-up at the end make me want do more.
However, I still don’t want all the work.
My actual job and drama just don’t feel rewarding. I’m just going through the motions of life. I’m surviving. I guess that is all life is, but for me that isn’t enough. To quote Mr Williams: “I Don’t want to die, but I aint keen on living either.”
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I want a godchild lol pic.twitter.com/zCGNfxHey7— Matthew E Streuli (@mattstreuli) June 24, 2015