I got wound up and frustrated at work. We all get that right? We all work hard and to see chaos ensue undermining your work and the hard work of your colleagues... It feels unjust. In the same way I hate those boy racers in their £50k Mercs who drag race up and down your local dual carriageway never getting caught yet you rush to the school just 5mph over the speed limit and you're the one who gets the fine. I guess it is that frustration plus a heavy work load that just makes me 'grumpy' and 'stressy' whereas some people are more vocal and expressive. On one hand I envy that confidence and ability to fight my corner but I've inherited the 'it isn't worth the fight' ethos and tend to mostly pick the wrong fights.
I've never been good with confrontation or anger and I guess I've always had some anxiety about being under attack and doing my best to avoid it; hence the 'it is never worth the fight' or risk upsetting someone ethos.
Still I shrugged this off, putting a bad day behind me and going to my Nan's (Mum's Mum). I always went to my Nan's at the weekend as a kid; partially as my Nan wanted me but also so my Mum could have her male friends round. When I was 12 it was a welcome break from looking after a 46 year old drunk and my Nan would take me to Uxbridge and give me a £10 budget in a toy shop.
This weekend, my Nan broke her oven and I bought and fitted a new one (after an hour of checking the electrics and ruling everything else out that could be tripping her RCD). After making sure she had at least one cooked meal, I went to my 'surrogate' Mum's house for her 25th Wedding Anniversary which I really enjoyed. Yet something happened.
Perhaps I shouldn't have had any alcohol. But I was having a great time. Then on the trampoline (yes I know I shouldn't be on there with my ankle but give me Asti and anything is a good idea!) I found myself face down. It was as if I wasn't really there, just observing. Whilst I could see the happiness and the fun, all I could feel was a numb sense that this cannot be worth it. You all seem to aimless move through life as if it is all some fulfilling enjoying challenge. However all I could see was a never-ending downpour of water swamping and flooding me whilst I cling on to life wondering what beauty there could be in it. After a small cigar, I started the 3 mile walk/drunken stumble home. There is something about being alone in the cold dark that feels more real to the beauty I see and with it a peace to the emptiness.
I spent the early part of this week using my Tumblr and twitter to express my gut feeling including mentioning that I had restarted self-harming. This is something I've written about before and I would recommend you have a browse through the past few months of blogs for some humour and context to this. Whilst no-one wants anyone to self-harm, it is proven by science to release endorphines and these little chemical signals seem to feel like a release to my angst, suicidal mind. This was picked up either here on my blog or elsewhere on social media and 'flagged' to one of my managers. At first, I felt vulnerable. On my blog I am honest with you and I could lose this place where I lose the acting mask and be myself.
Whoever flagged it, I am grateful. The support and understand I have encountered has been comforting and embracing. Just that brief sit down to explain my back story (again browse my blog and tweet about it!) and what support my employer could offer to support me. Whilst the chaos continued at work and everyones 'firefighting' helped to keep us on top, it felt good that I had been accepted and to admit I have issues is no longer letting people down or being burden; because YOU seem to want to help me. And for this I thank you.
I am going to keep writing this blog honestly because it feels good express myself and not only do I hope it helps you but as Claire said "it feels I can listen to you without you feeling like you have to talk." And as I have covered before even if I know you are comfortable to discuss the many facets of mental health, there is still this stigma that I am weird and a burden, and not in a cute or funny way.
But as I come out of my 'black patch' and hopefully the chaos of work settles down so I can actually do my job , I look back and think that perhaps I don't need to act the facade of Matt Streuli but rather I can just be me.
So my motto for this week? Give a little love and be yourself.
Unless of course you are some internet scammer or troll, in which case please continue to fake who you are so I can wind you up just I did with Michelle Ben (click here to see the time I told a internet scammer we dance around giant pictures of Ant and Dec)
Below is one of the more humorous moments of the week.
Thank you for tweeting, sharing and reading my blog. It means alot xxx