Closing the door

Over the past few editions of my blog I've been recapping my story and explaining the anxiety I've felt towards my meeting with HR but actually I didn't need to worry so much. 

If I didn't ask for help they would have my blood on their hands.
 -Last weeks blog post

I got up early and dosed myself on propranolol before heading to my parents' house.

I was asked if I was making a complaint or a grievance but even with their explanation, I'm still not too sure of the difference. They didn’t answer the points in my letter per se but were happy to accept that I am not willing to return to work in that team for that manager. Whist that is never how I would want to leave a post, I have to accept that I have been forced out and so close that door.

They did imply I should go see my psychologist again but given my manager's behaviour I think this might just be to cover myself legally and prove this was a key cause of my current sick leave. HR did agree to look for positions for me elsewhere in the company and I should look too. Unless we find a new position before hand, we suggested another meeting in early January as my paid sick leave runs out so we can discuss how we proceed. My stepmother was present to act as an advocate for me and did ask that given they accept my manager’s behaviour was wrong, would they extend my paid sick leave. The answer was no and any further wages would be down to an assessment by their Health Insurance. 

I feel a massive sense of relief that they were so understanding and perhaps in hindsight I allowed my anxiety to get the better of me regarding how bad this meeting could have been or how negative they may have been. They have asked that I remained signed off until we can agree on a new position – I don’t know if this is best legally but I am currently signed off until end of this month. Part of me is worried that I may not be able to work, that I am too ill, and all because of my time in that team; I wasn’t this ill 12 months ago – I guess I won’t know until I try but I have a mortgage and bills to pay.

Once I get their letter summarising the meeting I'm going to call MIND's legal helpline. They admitted the manager shouldn't say those things but didn't comment on whether laws had been broken or if it was bullying. There is no harm in getting legal advice. If I can prove my condition is worse due to their inaction and treatment, surely that is a personal injury claim?

My stepmother did raise one question to me privately regarding my diagnosis. She asked why I have borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar disorder and I couldn’t give a definitive answer. I think it was because my ‘black patches’ were caused by events rather than just occurring but She believes that I show clear signs of severe depression and clear signed of mania, some of which I miss because she has an external view compared to me.  She is a Specialist Nurse who has just retired but has limited experience in mental health.  I have been reading DSM 5 which suggested there is a lot of overlap between the two conditions. In theory, would it be possible to trial me on medication for bipolar? Is there any harm in trying? 

Going back to personal injury, I just wanted to mention the terrorist attacks that have taken place in Paris as well as the incidents in Iraq and Syria to name a few. I need to leave you with a thought that I realised through a tumblr post (below) in the past couple of days. The injuries are not limited to those who were shot or blown apart. 
Bataclan Theatre aftermath:

The mental health injury spreads to those who help the victims, whether medical professionals or locals trying to help, and even further to the victims friends and family at home. To witness the blood and brutality first hand is a horrifying image especially as stories come to light such as those from the Bataclan theatre where people lay hidden under their dead friends. The wounds in the mental health are more complex and will take much longer to heal. Learning to move on, understand and accept what you have seen or the loss of a loved one in such a needless and barbaric way can never be as easy as shutting a door.

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

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