Monday, 24 August 2015

Life is a battle and you're winning

Today is my last day of group therapy. Last week, I left feeling frustrated. I understand and use mindfulness and I'd even suggest everyone should try it. Later in the week I posted a list of symptoms for how to tell I am sad; which given the current situation at work was rather apt.

One of the issues with mental health is you second guess yourself all the time; am I over reacting? Am I being a pain? Am I right to be this upset? Should I be more upset? Am I being a pushover?
I guess that is how I feel at work. A colleague is leaving and those in power have decided not to replace her. Last week with a couple of people on annual leave we felt what it would be like when she goes. Lots of people came in early and stayed late. I rarely get angry. Frustrated or cynical or snappy but not angry. Yet I feel angry about work. I am worried. Other people seem to share my concerns but just take it in their stride. If I cannot cope now, supported by a NHS and an occupation health report, how am I going to in a few weeks? If those 2-3 days last week is even a vague simulation - I won't.

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Today, in our final session, we discussed how trying to do the opposite of what an emotions asks us to do can help starve the emotion and prevent it overpowering us. For example, when we are sad or upset I isolate myself. My theory is that I cannot hurt anyone else. I feel like I want to cry and scream but I can't. I feel like I don't deserve anything let alone time and love. If I isolate myself then I cannot be a burden or I won't have to act normal or look after others let alone myself. Yet, the tool is to do the opposite of whatever feeds the emotion. So I should force myself to be active and not hide in bed and spend time with people?

I don't like it. I really don't like it. Acting is so hard.

It feels much safer and less pressurising to isolate and harm myself. Surely that's better than hurting others?

That said, looking back over the past few weeks I have made progress. If last week had occured earlier in the year, I would of self harmed. As it was, I was isolated myself and slept a lot but I did not pick up my blade. There's no way I will get rid of my kit. Part of me is worried it is over. Is that it? Am I meant to be fixed? Or at least patched up?

Along with what is happening at work, I am scared. Anxious. I'm going to get worse?

 What should I do? Do I leave and let my world fall apart with no wage and nothing to pay my mortgage? Or do I continue and keep trying? One day will I just snap and be hanging from a motorway bridge or will I steadily get worse and end up in a hospital bed staring into space?

Life is unfair. I really frustrates me that some people drive like idiots, undercutting you at twice the speed limit, never getting caught. Other people have the perfect life with the perfect wife and pet cats. Yet we all get caught and fined for doing 5.77 miles per hour over the limit and I'm rotting away like balding unfunny Robin Williams. I've not been caught speeding by the way - its an example.

Life is such a battle and I'm really jealous. You all seem to be winning. With a smile too.

Still, compare this post to the last few months - I should be proud of what progress I have made.






But I'm male? 
Mostly...

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A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on

A photo posted by Matthew E Streuli (@matthewstreuli) on