Live Today

Well hello my lovely blogging and twotter fans. How are you? 
If you answered positively then great if not; maybe tomorrow.

But that's what I want to post about. Now probably isnt the best time, given itis 0045hrs where I am and I've been drinking very cheap fizzy wine for several hours.

10years ago today ny mother died. I was 13 years old and in my first year of secondary school.

Yep. That escalated quickly.

Part of me wonders where have I got in 10 years,  apart that I am now 23 despite looking 40.

Despite thinking I had found the one, I am single.
I am in a career I never imagined myself in and despite many media based ideas I've never really progressed with them.

On the other hand I do own my own flat which I share with my cat and two fish. I cohost 2 podcasts and have a relatively popular YouTube channel which has seen almost 10,000 views. I've appeared in 11 or 12 pantomimes and several plays.

Part of me is proud I have done this much when society wouldn't of blamed me for going off the rails. But the rest of me wants more.

I want to push my media skills: more blogging,  tweeting and youtube.
I want to find a career that will support or supplement this and doesn't anger or frustrate me the way this one does.
I want to find someone to love with a view to settling down.

So here's how we will do it. There is no 'maybe tomorrow' options.  Turn off the TV and grab that 30mins by the horns.

Live today.

A drunken voicemail

The silly little video and that picture I can't put away.

They all taste the same. A sly smile but a bitter painful aftertaste with a hint of regret.

I regret I wasn't more romantic.  I regret I didn't know.

I thought I was better but now, I miss you. I Really miss you.

Do you miss me?

goodbyeeeeee

I thought you were the one.

Just days before you recited our wedding plans. We even got a cat together.  Did you know then that you didn't love me?

I had no idea.
Why couldn't you say?

You saw an end, I had no idea. You just lead me off a cliff.

I am so angry. I want to shout and scream and smash things but nothing would portray how hurt, betrayed,  lonely and just dead I feel.

2 years ago I thought it laughable that I was likeable, let alone loveable. But it gave way and trust and love grew from you. Your abandon ship is the concrete slab to metaphorical garden.

I hate how you've made me feel.

AND yet I still love you. I miss you. I need you. I shared everything with you and now I feel alone. That thrusts a deeps lonleyness, lack of confidence or self worth and a explosion of anger all pointed at my stupid head.

Why should I continue?  You've sent a mixed signal or two but its clear you can't talk to me let alone want to try to sort our relationship. Couldn't we of spent more alone special time together? Couldn't you of at least tried to care? You could of arranged a date for us? Where was your fight? Fight for our love? Or am I simply not worth it?

I'm not even worth the warning that you weren't happy.

If there was someone else then at least I would have closure. I'd still be dying but at least there would be a tangeable reason. I still have 27dresses on the tivo. Do I save it? We were watching dr who and james bond. I can't watch the next episode - I've tried - I feel guilty. Wtf should I feel guilty for?

Maybe I will feel better.
Maybe I will see the next episode. 
Maybe there will be someone who loves me and I can trust and love them back.

But right now I don't know how I can survive tomorrow. I don't want to.

I feel numb.

The world continues to turn. People go on almost blind to the reality you've reignited for me.

I feel tired. Drained.

Without you I don't have the fight to go on.

I loved you.
I still do. And no matter how hurt I feel I don't seem to be able to stop.

All that mixes into the cocktail of an emotional anathesia. 

I know there are people dying right now who have so much to give and they want to give it.

I think the biggest tragedy is that they can't live but i have to and yet I don't have any give left.

I feel numb. 

Hollow.

I just want to rest. I don't want to fight anything anymore.  I want to stop.