Mayday

My mind has been racing. Stuck in a loop for over an hour now. Despite my best efforts to clear it through mindfulness and controlled breathing, I'm just drawn back to the same loop. Stuck on anxiety and fear. 
I've laid here for over an hour trying to focus on my inhale and gently letting go with the exhale only to find myself draw to the points below. 

My first concern is my wife. Today is our 4 year anniversary of when we started dating. Most years we celebrate this with a trip to Brighton where our relationship officially started - a trip down the peir is better than celebrating in the pub of our first date. I can't go into every detail but I am concerned for her welfare and safety. Due to the medications she takes, she is more at risk than I am from this blasted Coronavirus Covid19. She too works for the NHS however her location is far more central in the hospital compared to the wooden outbuilding I call home. There isn't much I can do  but over the next few weeks maybe it is something we can address together for some reasonable adjustments to limit her exposure and risk. 
My Nan died at the start of April. My nan was a key role in my upbringing and for many years was the only reliable mother figure of my childhood. Much like my cousins, as I grew older I found my own hobbies and spent more time with my now wife. My nan ended up in a home last year and, maybe selfishly, I hadn't seen her since. I felt the last time I saw her, she wasn't 'Nan' any more. Maybe I was just being cowardly but I knew that she didn't know if I was there or not. I don't know how she died and due to conflict and Covid19, I don't think I'll be told. She was a brilliant parent to me and, while I regret I didn't spend more time with her over the last few months, I cherish the fun weekends we had together. 

One of the key themes stuck in my head is my own work. Covid19 has stripped us of the ability to be with our closest friends and family which is key way to recentre and refresh ourselves. I have wondered if I have been becoming 'short fused'. Maybe with the pressure we all are. Work has changed as we've moved far from normality. In some ways the work has massively decreased but only to grow elsewhere. To paraphrase an email I sent a few weeks ago: it is a challenge but we will rise to it. The angry voice in my head is aware that some areas (not just NHS) have more support (maybe unjustifiably) and have been able to cope and adjust with more ease. Currently, I'm doing two jobs and my own self doubt questions if I'm doing either well. Why do they get better resources than us? 
The hesitant voice in my head can't help but hope that everyone who is clapping now, remembers the efforts of everyone in the NHS and the public sector when they next stand at the ballot box. I wonder how many deaths were caused by the poor funding, the do more with less attitude that has screwed over too many key workers, over the past decade. 

Either way, it will take months to recover to any normality after the pandemic is over. Please remember this when you next call your GP Surgery or hospital and expect to be seen 'lickity split'. 

Perhaps I should focus on the positives. At least I am able to go to work, interact with different people and focus on projects. I'd like to be able to work from home a bjt but who knows. I have a very strong and supportive wife who makes me laugh and tolerates me when I'm low. 

Since the early days of lockdown we've been streaming games and chat most evenings via YouTube. It's been a nice way to stay in touch with our friends rather than the desolate pings of a Facebook chat. We've met new friends who've stumbled across our stream, enjoyed our content and become part of the team. At the moment we play jackbox but I'd like to find new ways to interact with people. Would you watch a online chat show? 

I hope you are keeping well. Please follow me on the socials to keep up to date with my latest adventures - even if they are more confined than they used to be. 






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