Friday, 4 March 2011

Conflict and Self-devalue

Conflict is something different for me. The normal is Libya or maybe a feud like Montague and Capulet. Somehow for me its raised voices or a simple disagreement. It makes me scared, angry, an overwhelming need to cry and yet I can never show it or say it. All I can do is giggle - which seems to wind them up. Does everyone feel guilt like that?

I can't see a world where guilt at such things can ever survive.

The giggle is not my 'laugh' but it appears whenever people come across as aggressive or forceful. But my guilt doesn't say that's fair: they want to get their point across or feel they want to be heard. Even so, I cannot or should not deny how it makes me feel (which may not be rational, its emotion) which is attacked, wrong and ultimately I have to submit.

Afterwards I feel anger, certainly towards myself: why should I give in when I'm made to feel like that? I know they don't mean to make me feel like that but they do - and I should say.

But I can't, I don't and I won't. Letting myself get hurt and being submissive is okay, it keeps everyone happy...

Except me, I've been de-valued.





i hope no one is offended by this. this is my feelings and my blog. my blog is my  medium for it. much love