hyper and hurtful

I think I was 11 or 12 and it was at a community group. Somehow I knew he wasn't happy, yet I thought he was really cool. He ran the website and had pictures and friends. He told me that he was on medication.

I remember thinking he was fun mad but he could never hurt me but he started telling me how he was unstable and at times violent. I still looked up to him but I didn't fully understand.
Perhaps now I do.

Since I've been on medication I have been happier - in fact a customer today said it was nice to see karma working in my favour (with reference to my job). Yet I know I've been so much more childish, daft and in some cases hurtful. It leads me to something my counsellor summarised about me; “I let people seriously hurt me so I can keep everyone else happy, thinking its a happy medium“ I know I should be equal but after the past few weeks I've been looking at something PJ said to me; “the drugs change who I am. I'm not me“

Until now, I've never fully understood. I prefer the me that let people be nasty and shitty at me, I prefer being withdrawn and quiet and I prefer being in pain. And upset rather than the cause of it.

But I also know I feel guilt way more intensly than I should, irattionally more than I should.

Does everyone have to think before they speak so much? Is it something I should learn? Or was I better slightly lower, not hyper and hurtful.

I'd love your feedback and ideas, comment or tweet.