Childhood Memories are not bliss

A recent NSPCC campaign on Facebook called for people to put their favourite cartoon character as their profile picture. Apparently it was to create an 'invasion of memories'...
What if your memories are not childhoot bliss?

Below is a picture of my mother.

Exploding Emotions


'A emotional, not logical, response to campaigns for Children Charities'

This is a drunk.

This is my childhood.

This is just a peice of how angry I am and maybe, how let down I am.



This is 2, maybe 3 litres of Soave Wine a day.

This is me, saying it is not Okay.

This is a child, between 9 and 13 caring for a 47 year old.

This is years of crying, screaming for help - yet no-ones being told.

This is standing by her, putting her to bed.

This being an adult from 9, so tired I think about being dead.

This is my mother, responsable for me.

This is mental health, a single carer, damaged adult I seem to be.

This is feeling I've let her down, despite fighting all I can.

This is pouring away wine, I'd save her if I could.

This is exploding emotions, yet the pain has not shrunk.

Counselling, metaphors and Sainsbury's stole me Glee CD

Before you read this post, I just want to remind you of one simple thing.
1 in 4 people have a mental health issue, which could be anything from grief to post natal depression to physcosis.
1 in 5 people have dandruff.And Head and Shoulders is a very popular shampoo.
Please, don't judge me or anyone by stereotype - Click here for more

This is going to be perhaps my strangest post to date.
And yet I say with this, I must of forgotten the scarfparty.me; hmmm.

I cut a long story short, for I am sure if you see my twitter feed, I have been on a 'Urgent' waiting list to see a counsellor since 29th September 2010 and I post this in the early hours of 1st December. I still have not yet got a NHS counsellor- hence we seem to disagree on the definition of 'urgent'.

Starting counselling is difficult and it is what I would like to focus on, in part. I don't want to publicly say thing which, while maybe true in fact or true in how I feel, that could stir up trouble. See? I'm better than a politician. I think I was lucky in the fact I didn't feel nervous; in actual fact I felt very positive. Sometimes I feel I carry a scientific mind in which everything has a point, a reason and for that a justification. Counselling was the next step, a progression, in my scientific line of mental health.

In fact this isn't the first time I've seen a counsellor. I have seen one before with a small local charity, but I found the entire experience rather traumatic. As I have matured I have concluded it was because I was dealing with details that were raw, layed untouched for many years. Now, after reading and researching I am confident that these 'details' are not fully solved and could still be a keystone in my emotional shipwreck.

All of this though doesn't help with the 'starting counselling' and if you're reading this as a guide - then I will help and prepare you but I am sure it doesn't make it easier. How do you explain you mother had multiple affairs forcing your father out the family home when you were nine and due to guilt and 3 or 4 deaths in the family and best friends the mother turns to dry white wine to deal with it resulting in a 13 year old boy learning to cook, clean and run a household plus his education whilst caring for said 47 year old alcoholic who then dies weeks after you run away and live with your father?

I guess, I should of written it down. In fact letters have always been my favourite recommendation to explain your thoughts and feelings - they are well thought and difficult to delete or hang-up.

Once I had stumbled that along she helped me draw comparisons and metaphors between elements of my life and myself as a whole which, even for a first appointment, really struck a cord with me.

In short, my advice, think through what has happened and write it down, then as @robfromlondon said - just speak your mind.

I would also recommend having someone with you, or some aftercare. If I was alone I think I would of spiralled and found it difficult to unwind. In short go shopping and buy lots of stuff, I seriously recommend chocolate and microwavable elephants. What I don't recommend is buying the James Blunt album or the GLEE Xmas album from Sainsbury's in Chesham. Before we all get moody, I've emailed them to explain the situation and in short - i think the till operator put the CDs to one side but I don't know as I was hunting for the ever elusive nectar card. Either way, I really hope Sainsbury's reimburse me or get me the CDs by end of the week - it would be a huge gesture as they have opened up a massive local branch and I was thinking of giving them a try with my christmas shop.

Anyway my lavender elephant awaits - oh and how do I feel afterwards? Well my session today was mostly  rant and explaining to her and myself how I feel. In short, it was certainly worth it.

Oh! and one last thing, the GLEE Xmas album wasn't for me. It was a gift. In short I should of bought two, as I am certain I know two special ladies (ok one is Mummy Carol) who would love it.

As I go tonight I leave with this printscreen from Facebook. I hate stupidity and hence racism.
Night night.